


Addiction

by Reila_Flowers



Category: the GazettE (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:47:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 59,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22548778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reila_Flowers/pseuds/Reila_Flowers
Summary: I had a problem, that was why I was at this meeting for alcoholics, but right not alcohol wasn't what was plaguing my mind. I was obsessed with the blond man before me, every waking moment seemed to be consumed with him. He was dangerous, not by anything he did, but his affect on me. Could it be that I was just replacing one addiction with another? If so, why was it that I just couldn't bring myself to care?
Relationships: Aoi/Uruha (the GazettE)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story originally in 2008 but didn't post it here as it simply wasn't written as well as I could do now. For that reason, this story is a complete rewrite of my older work. The plot is relatively the same but hopefully the writing itself is improved. I think so anyway.

**~Aoi~**

“My name is Uruha and I’m an alcoholic.” The blond man confessed, looking nervously around the room as if he wasn’t quite sure if this was reality, or a strange dream he had become stuck in. His voice was as attractive to me as the rest of him, it was only the second time he had attend a meeting and the first time he had said anything at all, but I was already falling hard for him. His voice was like music, the most beautiful thing I had ever head. His body, a sculpture created by the gods themselves, assuming they existed. I had my doubts on that one, if there were gods then how had I ended up here? I longed to touch Uruha’s body, to run my hands all over him as he did the same to me. A night with him would be more satisfying than the alcohol I was fighting my addiction to.

My name is Aoi, and I too am an alcoholic. Like Uruha I had found it hard to admit my flaws, even harder to accept that I needed to recover. This was my seventh meeting. Seven hard weeks of not touching the alcohol that I wanted every moment of the day. Seven weeks of self-imposed torment. I wanted to be cured but these meeting hadn’t been helping me at all. Part of me had constantly asked, what’s the big deal? Why even bother quitting? Perhaps you could just cut down?

Things only started to change last week, the meeting where Uruha had walked through the door and replaced my thoughts of alcohol with thoughts of him. I was obsessed, I knew that, I didn’t even know his name until just now. He was the exotic stranger that I craved, almost as much as I craved a good strong drink.

Uruha doesn’t look like he belongs here. He’s too refined, too polished. He looks like a prince, especially here, among us. I’m convinced he’s gay, and no that’s not just me projecting my desires onto him. It’s in the way he dresses, the way he presents himself. It’s hard to pinpoint but there’s just something about him that convinces me that I’m not wrong on this. Or maybe it just because I like to fantasise about him? Perhaps it is my own desire to be with him that has me convinced? I hope not!

I’d promised myself that I would talk to him today. Learn his name, well that part I had done, and get to know him. Perhaps even I could ask him out? I’d invite him to the cinema. The temptation of alcohol is minimal there, the cinema would be safe. Friends hang out at the cinema. It didn’t have to be a date, not if Uruha didn’t want it to be. We would just be two alcoholics hanging out, supporting each other, becoming friends. My plan was flawless. Just as long as Uruha was interested in making friends. Perhaps a guy like him didn’t want to associate with the rest of us? I didn’t want to think such negative things of him but it was true that we were all beneath him. Perhaps I could be beneath him literally. No! I couldn’t have such dangerous thoughts. Not here. Not where I was supposed to be healing.

“I…” Uruha stammered, clearly nervous to confess his reasons for coming here. Others didn’t have the confidence to continue, but Uruha slowly stood up straighter and made eye contact with the lady who ran the meetings. “I guess my drink of choice has always been wine. I drink cocktails too, some liquors. You can’t be an alcoholic drinking those drinks, that’s what I told myself anyway. Alcoholics drink cheap beers or cider, or drank spirits as if they were water. They were aggressive, hopeless, not fit to be part of society. I was none of those things. I drank expensive wines and partied with my friends. Everyone did that. I didn’t have a problem.”

He was fascinating to listen to. I glanced around, wondering if his words were offending anyone but no, they were all listening to his story with understanding. For the first time I realised, nobody here thought of themselves as an alcoholic, not really. We all had our excuses, just like Uruha. Instead of offending anyone, what he was saying was relatable to us all.

“I began to use wine as a reward. Expensive bottles from Europe, bottles with rewards or critically acclaimed. I’d like to say I enjoyed these wines but I think I was never sober enough to truly appreciate them. The wines began as a treat and became a way to handle a bad day and there was always some reason to call it a bad day so I could have my wine. I started to miss work. I was forgetting important information because I was always too drunk or hungover to function. Then one night I was stressed and went to relax with some wine in the bath, which might sound a little gay but to me that’s not an insult, there were even bubbles and candles.”

I smiled as Uruha described his bath, not because I was having perverted thoughts, though I totally was, but because I now had all the confirmation that I needed to be certain of his sexuality. There was just one thing I had been overlooking, I realised as my smile began to fade, what if he already had a boyfriend? Was it wrong that I hoped his alcoholism had kept him single? It was probably selfish and mean spirited but I can’t help the way I feel.

“Well I almost drowned and I guess that was my wake-up call?” Uruha said, sounding doubtful. I began to wonder if Uruha had fully accepted his problem. Was he just saying all this because it was what he thought we all wanted to hear?

“Well anyway, I’m Uruha and I’m an alcoholic.” He finished, his words now with the same uncertainty that he had started with. His story was true, he had told that without hesitation, but the confession to his problem was a lie.

“Thank you Uruha.” The lady said, not questioning Uruha’s resolve. I wondered if she too had doubts but she never showed them even if she did. I sat back and stole glances at Uruha whenever I could. I was obsessed, I knew it and I’m sure by now that you know it too.

“Uruha!” I called after him as the meeting came to a close. The blond was trying to make a quick exit but I wasn’t going to let him get away from me so easily. I was determined to talk to him.

“Aoi, isn’t it?” The blond asked. He was being polite but I could tell he was annoyed I had stopped him. I almost got the impression that he didn’t want to talk to me at all but I pushed that thought out of my head. He was here in front of me now, I wouldn’t mess this meeting up.

“That’s right,” I reply. Aoi isn’t my real name, it’s the name I used for these meetings but was slowly becoming my own. Uruha probably wasn’t actually his name either. Most of us had false names here, nobody had any issues with it. “I was just wondering if perhaps you would like to hang out? Maybe go to the cinema or something?”

“What? So you can help me with my alcohol problem?” Uruha scoffed. He wasn’t even trying to hide his distaste at the idea. Ordinarily I would have been offended by someone dismissing me like this but I couldn’t be annoyed with Uruha. He had the wrong idea of me, that was all.

“No, I just genuinely want to get to know you.” I replied, giving Uruha what I hoped was an honest smile. My smile had swayed many a heart towards me, I was quite good at scoring dates with men if I did say so myself, but Uruha still looked sceptical.

“Why?” Uruha asked suspiciously. His mistrust was surprising, there must be something else that was bothering him. Something I didn’t know about.

“It’s a gay thing!” I blurt out, instantly embarrassed. Remember when I said I wasn’t going to mess things up? I just had. Uruha had never said he was gay, only that he wasn’t insulted by the word. Like a fool I went and dug the hole deeper. “I kind of like you.” I confessed. Ok gods, I know I said I wasn’t sure if you existed but I wouldn’t mind if a shinigami came and swept me away right now.

“You like me?” Uruha repeated, his attitude changing to one of curiosity. His eyes swept over my body and I wondered if he liked what he saw. Why wouldn’t he be interested? I know I’m attractive, I’m not bragging, it’s just the truth. Perhaps my lip ring would put him off? Should I have taken it out? A man like Uruha wouldn’t want a man with piercings. Unless that was his thing perhaps? Maybe he was into bad boys, rough around the edges, but that wasn’t me either.

“Yes. You’re really beautiful, stunningly so and I find you interesting. You know how to tell a story and keep everyone’s attention.” I told him. What? It’s not like I could embarrass myself anymore than I had already.

“Thank you,” Uruha said, giving me a smile that must have broken the hearts of many men before me. “You’re pretty hot yourself.” He adds, almost as if it was an afterthought. As if I hadn’t already seen him checking me out. He wasn’t innocent, we both knew that, but there was something almost shy about the smile he gave me. I smile back, marvelling that this sex god thinks I’m hot. Yes, he’s a sex god now. Perhaps he’s rubbish in bed, I wouldn’t know, but I very much doubted it. How can a man so appealing be anything but fantastic?

“So, cinema?” I ask him again. I pray to the gods I don’t believe in, hoping that he would say yes. Shinigami if you’re listening, I don’t need you anymore, I’ve got this.

“Why not?” Uruha agrees with a smile, though he did have to think about it. I wonder what made him hesitate in accepting but decide that I don’t care. He said yes, that’s what matters. “Do you mean now, or some other time?”

“Why not now?” I suggest. “Unless you’re busy?”

“No, I’m not busy.” Uruha confirmed, giving me another thoughtful look before he began to leave. I follow him like a puppy would follow its master. He’s just a stranger to me but that was going to change. I had a date with him. It was exactly what I wanted to get out of that meeting. Forget curing addiction, all I wanted was this man.

**~Uruha~**

If I was to be absolutely honest, I hated my agent when he forced me to attending these stupid meetings. It was insulting for him to suggest I had a problem just because I liked to party and had one drunken mishap. I wasn’t like these other men at all and hadn’t wanted to associate with any of them. So what if I almost drowned? I hadn’t. That’s what matters. And who didn’t skip work sometimes? We were all human, everyone did it. I bet even my agent had called in sick when he only had a hangover. Who cared that I liked to drink wine? It was only wine! I was entitled to have a drink.

With these thoughts in mind, I had spent my first meeting sulking. The modelling agency I was a member of could force me to attend but they couldn’t force me to confess to a problem I didn’t have. I sat stubbornly trying not to listen to the stories the others shared, especially those that I found echoed things that had happened to myself. Honestly it was those stories that began to plant the seeds to doubt in my mind but I had pushed those thoughts aside. I had more pressing issues, like why the dark-haired man was constantly starting at me. Who was he to judge me?

The second meeting had been different. I actually found myself willing to go. I’d spent the week thinking about the things people had said, how they related so closely to myself and I began to wonder. Perhaps I did have a problem? It scared me that when I tried to cut back on the drink, only have it at the weekend, I had struggled. I couldn’t stop drinking, even with an apartment purged of the drinks, it was all that was on my mind.

“I’m an alcoholic.” I had told my empty house as I found myself beginning to cry. I began to think about all the men I had slept with in just the last couple of months. Had I really wanted to be with them or had I simply been too drunk to say no? “I’m an alcoholic and a slut.” I found myself saying, my own voice coming across judgmental and cruel. Even as I cried, alcohol was in my body from the drink I had snuck into my own home. I couldn’t quit, I wasn’t strong enough. Had that been what the dark-haired man had been thinking when he had stared at me so openly? Was that the judgement I had received? I don’t know what I would have done if my sister hadn’t come to check up on me and found me crying like a fool. She’s older than me, always had the answers to my problems, but not this one. She had only been able to tell me to continue going to the meetings and that she would be here for me. It wasn’t enough, but I knew I had to at least try to get over this addiction.

I know I have a problem now. It felt good to admit it at the meeting today. A group of strangers all hanging onto my every word, as if they understood. Perhaps they did? We all had this problem here, we were all trying to get better. Still I couldn’t get over the black-haired man, who was still staring at me so intently. Did he still judge me as not worthy?

Of course I was being a dumb blond. I know that now. Aoi only wanted to go on a date with me. He thought I was hot, just like I had to admit I found him too. Handsome wasn’t really enough to sway me. I didn’t want to date right now, I needed to learn what it meant to be single but I found I couldn’t say no to Aoi. He was the human equivalent of a luxury wine, something that was irresistible to me. Like with wine, I should have said no but instead I found myself saying yes.

He seemed friendly enough but I couldn’t shake my suspicions that he was only after my body. I didn’t want casual sex and I wasn’t ready for a boyfriend. Why had I agreed to go to the cinema with him? I was being dumb again! Now he thought he had a chance with me and...

What if Aoi isn’t an alcoholic? What if he came to the meetings to find some easy and attractive man to seduce with alcohol and then take advantage off? Or maybe he just wanted a relationship with me? He seemed sweet, now that I was getting to know him. A guy who had been through harsh times and was now trying to make things better.

I began to open up to him and he listened, really listened without judgment of what I was telling him. Before I knew it, I was having fun and we weren’t even at the cinema yet. It occurred to me that a boyfriend might not be so bad. Sex wasn’t a wicked sin, not if there were real emotions there.

“So what do you want to see?” Aoi said as we approached the cinema complex. It’d been so long since I had been to the cinemas that I had no idea what was even on. I stared in surprise that the sequel of a film I hadn’t got around to watching yet was already out. I’d wasted my life drunk and stupid. What else had I been missing out on? I named a film that seemed interesting, surprised when Aoi began to buy the tickets without even discussing payment. He knew I was a model, I had told him on the walk over here, but he didn’t seem interested in my money. He must have known I was relatively wealthy, I had only been bragging about the expensive wines I drank an hour ago.

I decided to buy the snacks and went to queue as Aoi finished the transaction. He seemed surprised that I had wandered off, was that relief I hadn’t run away? Did Aoi think so little of me? Once again I found myself concerned with Aoi’s judgement of me.

“What do you want? My treat?” I offered. He hesitated before he answered, what he wanted was probably what I wanted, what neither of us could have.

“Are we being good or bad?” He asked with a wicked smile. Before I could give my opinion, he gave a list of the things he wanted. “You don’t need to buy it all. I know I’m being greedy. I’m just in the mood to treat myself.”

“I said I’ll pay,” I answered. “You can have it all.”

“Have it all?” Aoi said, his tone unmistakably flirtatious. Once again I felt panic well up inside me. He did want sex! He saw me as an easy slut, his mind would be full of the wicked things he could do to me. Had he bought back row seats I wondered. The cinema would be dark and anything could happen.

If I allowed it. I reminded myself. I could say no, that was an option I had never used but had always been there. Only when you said no, men got angry. That had happened more than once. But I didn’t consent to him… I thought a little sickened as the memory came back up. Had I been abused? Was that why I was so jumpy now? My so called abuser had been drunk too…

“Are you all right?” Aoi asked, his concern obvious. No, Aoi wasn’t him, I needed to learn to trust in people again.

“I’m fine.” I lied, trying to chat about the film we were going to see as if he was nothing but a good friend. It wasn’t until we had sat down in our seats, perfectly in the middle of a row but not too close to the back to concern me, that I was finally able to relax again. Sober I was able to take in the film and understand the plot without issues. Perhaps there was something to this not drinking after all? I wondered if I could stay away from the bottle, or would these moments of panic send me straight back into bad habits? I guess only time would tell.


	2. Chapter 2

**~Aoi~**

I have to admit, my date with Uruha wasn’t exactly what I had been expecting. It’s not that I didn’t have a good time, I did, it was amazing in fact. It was just that I had no idea what Uruha had thought of our time together. He was like a faulty tap that blasted both hot and cold water without warning, his moods seemed to flip so suddenly that I was left helpless and confused.

He’d been friendly, sometimes flirtatious but the moment I flirted back he withdrew from me emotionally. Was I doing something wrong? He had let me place my hand on his thigh in the cinema but hadn’t accepted a kiss before we parted. I’d thought I’d done something to ruin everything but then he had given me his phone number. What a was man to think with such mixed signals? I was confused and I hated being confused. I wanted to drink myself into oblivion so I could stop thinking about him!

I needed beer. A nice cold refreshing glass of beer to clear my mind. Except I knew I couldn’t have it. I had promised myself, promised my roommate, that I wouldn’t drink anymore. I had hoped that having a man to distract me would help stop moments like this, how wrong I was.

I should call my sponsor. That’s what they tell us in the meetings but I had grown rather distasteful of mine. I don’t like him, not anymore. He always wears this fake smile and gives cliched advise I could have found on social media. He didn’t start out like that but when he learned I liked men, he changed. I can’t say he was hostile but I think my presence makes him uncomfortable. I should request another sponsor but I never bothered because my roommate was always there to listen when I needed him.

Kai, of course it was my roommate I should be going to see. He’s known me since high school, we were in the same class but only became close when we both agreed to rent an apartment together out of necessity. Now he was the closest friend I had, he’s far too good to me. I don’t deserve a friend like him but I needed him all the same. He was at work but he would understand why I needed to talk and wouldn’t mind.

Of course my brilliant idea wasn’t quite as brilliant as I had originally thought it was. Kai owns a restaurant, which just happens to have a bar to tempt me. I should have called him, asked him to meet me on his break, but as head chef, as well as owner, he didn’t really get breaks. Why had the waitress sat me staring at the bar? I supposed she didn’t know about my problem, it wasn’t her fault. It’s not like I said anything.

“Would you like a drink?” She asked with a friendly smile. Of course she could get me a drink, a nice pint of beer.

“Just water,” I answer. If I drank here and Kai caught me there would be hell to pay. I think that was all that stopped me from ordering the drink I really wanted. “I’m a friend of Kai’s, that’s his nickname, you probably know him as Yutaka. Can you tell him I’m here?”

“I can tell him, but he is busy,” She warned. “What’s your name?”

“Aoi, tell him I need help with a problem.” I add.

“I’ll tell him you’re here.” She says with the same friendly smile. I feel bad about thinking negatively of her for sitting me here. She seems to be a genuinely good waitress, friendly and helpful. I wonder if she’s the one who got my job when Kai had to fire me?

It’s still early, the dinner rush hasn’t started so the restaurant isn’t busy, so I’m sure Kai can spare some time to talk to me. I try not to feel guilty for dragging Kai out of the kitchen, guilt is another emotion that would drive me to the bottle if I allowed it.

I wait patiently, knowing he will come as soon as he can. Kai has never been anything but supportive of me, even though in the past I treated him like dirt. I’m not proud of it but to recover I need to be honest, and the fact I treated Kai badly is the honest truth. I resented Kai for awhile, he was the one who first brought up his fears that I had a problem, well before I was ready to admit it myself. I began to despise him for his judgment, that was why I borrowed money from him with no intentions of ever returning it. Why I stole from him, why I got mad at him if he even hinted he didn’t like my drinking.

It was when I stole Kai’s laptop for drink money that even he couldn’t take the treatment I gave him anymore. We’d had a huge row. I’ve never seen him so angry. He had shouted at me, not because of what I had done to him but what I was doing to myself. Even in my half-drunk state, it had occurred to me that he was serious. I needed to get help or he would no longer allow me to live with him for a small fraction of the rent. There had been tears that night, apologises and all the guilt I should have felt for how I treated him came up all at once. I was a horrible person back then and yet Kai, the angel that he is, hadn’t given up on me. He had come with me to the first meeting to make sure I stayed and truly listened. I felt like a shell afterwards, I no longer knew who I really was. Certainly not the confident teenage boy who had first moved into the apartment with him. When he asked for control of my bank cards and money, I gave it to him without question. I wanted to get better for both our sakes.

Kai returned access to my money earlier this week, when he learnt I wanted to go on a date with Uruha. The first thing I did was to go out and buy him a new laptop. I will make it up to him and become a man he can trust again. That’s my goal.

“You had better be sober.” Kai declared, giving me a suspicious look as he sat down across from me.

“I am.” I promise and Kai of course believes me. He always believes me, that was what made it so easy to lie to him, but when it comes to drinking Kai can usually tell when I’m actually sober and when I’m pretending.

“But you don’t want to be sober right now?” Kai guessed. There was no accusation in his words, he was simply stating a fact.

“I’m so confused.” I said with a sigh. Damn you Uruha, why must you do this to me? Your fleeting moods have left me feeling anxious and insecure, not emotions I’m used to feeling.

“You want to wash the confusion away?” Kai guessed. “Where have you been all afternoon? You didn’t return home after the meeting. I hoped you were with Uruha.”

“I was with Uruha, we went to the cinema,” I reassured him. “I still have the receipt if you want proof?”

“I don’t need proof, we promised to trust each other, remember?” Kai reminded me. It was true, we had made that promise but I felt I had the easier side of the bargain. Kai had already seen me at my worst, nothing I could say would shock him, but to trust in me? Sometimes I wondered if perhaps Kai wasn’t so bright. What kind of fool would trust in me? “So you went on a date and it didn’t go so well?”

“Well yes, also no,” I said rather amused to see that Kai now looked as confused as I felt. “We seemed to get along, he was opening up to me and then it’s like a wall goes up and I’m talking to a stranger again. Sometimes he flirts, sometimes he was cold to me, only to smile and act like we were nothing but friends. You could say he gave very mixed signals. He gave me his phone number, that’s a good thing, right?”

“I would think so,” Kai said thoughtfully. I let him think on it, this isn’t an easy problem to solve. “I’m guessing, and this just a guess, that something has happened in the past that’s made him unsure of himself. It’s not you, it’s his own feelings that are making him act this way. Perhaps he’s not used to dating sober? You know I don’t think you should be dating just yet. You need to find who you are first. Uruha may just feel that way too but had feelings for you that made him go against his better judgement. Of course, I can’t really judge anything, it’s not like I’ve ever met this man you haven’t shut up about all week!”

“Perhaps you’re right,” I agree. Uruha had his own problems, he had barely scratched the surface with the confession he had made in today’s meeting. As always, Kai’s advise had made me feel better about the situation. I doubt my sponsor would have left me feeling half as good. “Anyway, you have work and I’m taking up your time. I should go home.”

“You’re only going home if you can reassure me I won’t find you with a bottle.” Kai warned. He’s such a gentle man but when he gets tough like this he will never back down.

“No bottles, except maybe sauce,” I promise him. Once again Kai accepts my words, loveable fool that he is. “Really, you’ve helped a lot.”

“Well, ok then.” Kai agreed, accepting my quick hug before he left to go back to the kitchen. I sit at the table for a few minutes longer, pondering what secret Uruha may be keeping. There is definitely more to his story. I wondered what it was.

**~Uruha~**

I stayed at home following my time at the cinema with Aoi, thankfully work understood that I was going through some things and needed a break. I hated to admit it but dating him had made me question so much about my dating past that I was beginning to feel rather disgusted with myself just thinking about it. I had been a slut, whoring myself to get signed up with the modelling agent, sleeping with people I knew could influence if I got requested by a client again, finding pleasure in any pretty man who had caught my eye. Was I out of my mind? Who did that? Well me, obviously. I no longer recognised the drunk version of myself as being part of me. He was like a demon who had taken control and still haunted my every waking moment. If I drank, he would return. I refused to let that happen but it left me with a burning question, if that demon was no longer me, who was I?

Whenever I wasn’t thinking about myself, I was thinking about him. Aoi. He had been so kind on our date, the perfect gentleman, but I feared I had screwed everything up. I had been so unsure of how to act around him, what I was comfortable with and what I wasn’t. I hardly knew myself, I wasn’t ready to date him but I also knew I was helpless to resist his charms.

The phone rang on the third day, his number displaying on the screen in my hands. Aoi, the only name I had for him, the only name I needed. I hesitated before I answered, mentally preparing myself to act normal. I had many thinks to figure out, my feelings for Aoi were no longer one of them.

“Hello?” I say, forcing a smile as apparently you can hear a smile over the phone. How did that work anyway? Surely just something a call centre manager had made up to make his staff appear happy. I wasn’t convinced that it worked but I still followed the advice all the same.

“Hey, it’s me. Aoi.” The other greeted me. He sounded nervous, as if he was the one not sure what I thought of him and not the other way around. How could Aoi doubt my feelings? Oh right, I had given him mixed signals, hadn’t I? It was almost a miracle that he had even called me at all. I should have at least let him kiss me. My sister was shocked that I hadn’t, scolding me and telling me I had messed things up. As if I wasn’t already aware of that? As supportive as she can be, she doesn’t understand me at all. She laughs when I say I’m going to be good, that I won’t sleep around anymore. I guess I’ve always been her slutty younger brother, I can’t really blame her for seeing me that way. Besides, my sister thinks all men sleep around, that it’s a perfectly natural urge and maybe it is. I’m still not going to do it though. I’ve made up my mind. Perhaps after a third date, maybe. I really don’t know when I will feel will be appropriate, I guess it depends on the relationship and how it develops?

“I know, my phone told me,” I tease him. “I’m glad you called. I was beginning to wonder if I had scared you away.” I confess, deciding in that moment I needed to be honest with Aoi if I wanted anything more to become of us.

“Well that’s stopped me worrying,” Aoi said, I could hear his relief even over the phone. “I was beginning to worry that you might not have liked me. That’s silly, right? The only way our date could have been bad is if the film sucked, which it didn’t. It was perfectly fine, at least I think so.”

“I should have let you kiss me goodnight,” I found myself apologising. “The truth is, I’m just messed up right now. I don’t know who I am without alcohol and…”

“It’s all right, you don’t need to explain,” Aoi reassured me. “I understand how you feel.”

“You understand that I like you?” I found myself flirting with him. Great, I was being a whore again. A whore, or just honest?

“Perhaps I do,” Aoi said. “Well I guess I’ll accept your affection. Only because I like you too. That’s why I’m calling. Would you like to come around to my apartment sometime? My friend is going to cook us dinner.”

“Your friend?” I repeat. “Shouldn’t you be cooking?”

“He’s a professional, it’s better this way. Trust me.” Aoi explained. “So, are you interested?”

“Yes of course.” I answer without thinking. He gives me his address and we agree to meet tomorrow before he ends the call, perhaps concerned I may change my mind? Not a bad call, I’m already considering cancelling this date. A meal, at his house? That’s where his bedroom is and any number of other places he might want to use my body. He’s trying to get me into bed already! My sister is right, all men are sex mad and I know I’m no exception.

I almost panic, before I remember that his friend will be there cooking. He wouldn’t be able to take advantage with his friend there. Unless they’re planning to do something together. I wondered if his friend was hot, before pushing the idea out of my mind. I wasn’t going to have another threesome! That was the old me. Uruha is a new name for a changed man.

“I will behave myself.” I say out loud, finding that talking to myself could steal my resolve. I would go on a date at Aoi’s house, enjoy a good meal and then I would kiss him. That was it, that was my limit. If Aoi demanded more, I would leave. It seemed fair enough, I just hoped I had it in me to stick to this decision.


	3. Chapter 3

**~Uruha~**

As I drove to Aoi’s house and passed a couple of police men, I realised how refreshing it was to not tense up at the very sight of them. I was driving sober today, I wish I could say this was the norm but quite honestly it wasn’t. I could have killed someone, it would have been an accident and yet the whole world would have blamed me. They would have been right. Obviously drunk driving is not something I endorse and I would have been just as judgemental had it been anyone else in the news. I had thought myself better than the drunk drivers who caused accidents. I could handle my alcohol. I could handle my car. What a drunken fool I could be. What a sober fool I was.

I pull into a small carpark beneath a rather average looking apartment building and find a space clearly labelled as visitor’s parking. It seems a decent neighbourhood but my luxury car stands out a mile, so I take the extra efforts to use my steering wheel lock before getting out. A couple of kids with their mother have already noticed the car but they’re too young to be of any concern.

I wish my car was all I was worrying about but honestly, that was a concern all but forgotten as I remembered why I was here. Aoi had invited me for dinner and I was as nervous as one of the many models I knew who were on crazy diets would have been. I was lucky enough that as long as I ate relatively healthy I didn’t need to worry about my weight. Even drinking as much wine as I did hadn’t affected my weight, but maybe that had been my life style? Sex burns calories after all. Sex of course was what I was worried about, I still had visions of being raped but I knew logically I was being paranoid.

Despite my trepidation, I rush up the stairs towards Aoi’s apartment. I can’t wait to see him again. I miss him. Though we’ve only had one date, and I was mess for a lot of it, I found I genuinely longed to be in his presence. I knock on the door and struggle to stand still as I wait for him to answer it. How will I greet him? I hadn’t thought of that.

“Hey!” Aoi greeted me with that heart melting smile of his. I’m sure he knows what that smile does to men. He wields it like a weapon and even though I know what he’s doing, my body still reacts to its charm. “Come on in. Shall I show you around? Not that there’s much to show.”

“Is this ok?” I ask him, feeling really unsure as I step into the apartment. I haven’t brought a gift, he told me not to and I made the mistake of listening to him.

“Why wouldn’t it be ok?” Aoi asks, giving me a quizzical look. He’s changed from our first date, he no longer seems surprised by my erratic mood swings. I’m glad I warned him how much of a mess I was. “Kai doesn’t mind cooking, if that’s what is bothering you. We could go out, I guess. If you really want? But then Kai would be mad that I’ve wasted his time and I’m not good at restaurants yet. The beer is too tempting.”

“This is to avoid the temptation of alcohol?” I ask, flooded with relief. That was all he was thinking! I should have figured that one out for myself.

“That’s right.” Aoi agreed. I give him a hug in my delight, delight he doesn’t understand but that’s all right. He doesn’t need to understand why I’m happy. Happier still in his embrace. His arms are strong, his hold of me possessive but gentle. I could step away and he would let me, I could step closer and… I pull back and smile rather sheepishly at him.

“Well then, let’s not let Kai’s work go to waste,” I declare. “I’d like to meet him and have the tour.”

“Would you now?” Aoi asked. I think he was going to make a joke about starting in the bedroom but he stopped himself for my benefit. I was almost disappointed, before reminding myself that wasn’t why I was here. “Well this is out living room and that table there, that’s our grand dining room. We can feed two, three, even four people at once.”

“Six if guests don’t mind the sofa.” I corrected. The place isn’t big but it is homely. I could be comfortable living here with him, though that would most likely never happen. I love my apartment far too much to ever give it up.

“Uncountable if they’ll sit on the floor,” Aoi concluded, walking to the right side of the lounge towards two doors. “That’s Kai’s bedroom, we don’t go in there.”

“On pain of death!” A voice called from a door on my left. I turn to meet Kai for the first time. He’s smiling as he takes me in, his apron perfectly clean despite the cooking he had been doing. “Hi Uruha, I’m Kai.”

“Hi!” I greet him, he’s far easier for me to be around than Aoi. Probably because I don’t have all these conflicting emotions about him. He’s just Aoi’s roommate, a regular guy. He is handsome, in his own way, I noted silently. “I hope we’re not being any trouble?”

“None at all,” Kai said. “Well you’re not anyway. Aoi, I heard that offer for you to go out instead of eating my food!”

“I was being polite!” Aoi protested, getting into a mock fight with his roommate. I ignore the pair and walk further into the room, giving the bedroom door a sceptical glance. I wanted to go in there with Aoi, I wanted to be nowhere near the room. What a mess! I hoped I could sort out these feelings soon.

Turning away from the bedrooms I glance at the opposite wall, knowing that one door must lead to the kitchen and assuming the other is their bathroom. A funny layout, to cross the living room to wash, but I supposed it had something to do with the water pipes in the building.

There was a guitar in the corner, an expensive one at that. I couldn’t help myself, I was a musician as a hobby and had a guitar of the same brand of my own at home. I weighted the instrument, finding the centre of balance a little lower than I would have liked but perfectly manageable. It wasn’t plugged into the amp but I went over a few silent chords, glancing up as I realised the others had grown silent.

“Sorry, it’s just that I play myself.” I apologise, relieved when Aoi’s face lit up in a smile.

“You play guitar too?” He said excitedly. This was his guitar then. We’d found a second thing we had in common. As we talked music, Kai vanished back into the kitchen and all talk of a tour was forgotten.

“Ok, I’m going now.” Kai declared as he served us our desserts. He’s an excellent chef for the record, it’s obvious he’s a professional. I’d certainly pay a lot to eat at his restaurant, though Aoi had informed me earlier it was quite reasonably priced. I hadn’t believed him, so we had looked it up online and I could see that Aoi was right. It was a nice looking place too, perhaps when I could handle my bad habit better we could go there together. Not that I needed to bother, I was having the personal chef experience right now.

“You’re going?” I can hear the panic in my own voice. I’d grown comfortable here because he was in the other room, joining us every now and again between courses. If I screamed, I was confident that he would come running. I trusted Kai, he was just so nice it would have been impossible not to trust him.

“Yeah, I’m meeting someone,” Kai answered, not that I needed an explanation. He certainly didn’t need to answer to me. “Don’t worry, Aoi isn’t going to throw you down and have his wicked way with you the moment I leave. Unless that’s what you’re both planning. I don’t need to know about that!

“That’s not…” I stammer, glancing between the two of them. What had Aoi told Kai? Were they talking about me? Of course they were! Just like I had told my sister any my friend Ruki all about Aoi. It was natural that Aoi would want to share the news of his date with his friend. I tried not to be offended by this.

“Aoi’s a nice guy, you don’t need to worry.” Kai said, giving me a look that makes it clear he knows what I’m thinking. I don’t respond, I’m too stunned, and Kai soon leaves me with Aoi. I’m sure he’s right. Aoi is a nice guy. He’s funny and hot too, just my type of man. A guy like him doesn’t deserve a slut boyfriend, that’s why I must behave myself. Why I don’t want to tell him what I have done. It’s the past. Drunk Uruha didn’t need to come up.

“Uruha, did you think I might try and force you to have sex with me?” Aoi finally asks. He’s sounds hurt, he is hurt, and it’s my fault. My stupid paranoia has led to this.

“No…” I began before sighing. “It’s not a reflection on you, it’s just me. I’m sorry. I know you’re not a bad man but my emotions and logic aren’t getting along. That’s why I’m such a mess.”

“Uruha, you can open up to me,” Aoi said gently. “I want to get to know you. I know that our pasts are full of mistakes, things we regret. That’s why I promise I won’t judge what drunk you has done. It’s not like I’m going to meet him. Right?”

“You think of your drunk self as someone else too?” I ask, surprised by his words. It occurs to me if I don’t open up, if I don’t keep my promise to be honest, then I may just lose him tonight. That thought scares me far more than his judgment ever could. “I’m a slut.”

“You’re a slut?” Aoi repeated, disbelief written all over his face. He’s probably thinking about how I wouldn’t even kiss him.

“I’m trying to change, please don’t hate me.” I began, feeling tears beginning to form. No, I won’t cry. Not in front of him.

“I don’t hate you. How could I hate you?” Aoi asks. I know he means these words, but he doesn’t know what I’ve done. I try to tell him but then the tears begin to fall. In a rush Aoi’s at my side, though he hesitates before he touches me.

“This is just a hug, no need to panic,” Aoi said, wrapping an arm over my shoulders. I freeze for a moment but then I relax against him. His strong, masculine, warmth engulfs me and even though nothing else has changed, I begin to feel a little better. “When I was drunk, I stole from Kai. I regret it so much, I’m trying so hard to make things up to him, but the honest truth is I treated him horribly.”

“You stole from Kai?” I repeat in disbelief. How could anyone do that to such a sweet man! Drunken Aoi is a demon but that’s not him. Not anymore.

“I needed money for beer.” He explained, I can hear the guilt in his tone. He’s not just saying this to get me to admit to my own crimes, it’s helping him to confess.

“Does Kai know?” I ask. I feel it would be worse if he didn’t. If Aoi hadn’t told his friend.

“He knows,” Aoi replied simply. “I feel horrible. But I can’t control myself when I’m drunk. Alcohol is an evil drink that makes us do evil things. Things we wouldn’t do sober.”

“I slept around.” I admit. “I’d sleep with anyone who took my fancy, those who didn’t but could help my career. I did… well sexual stuff that’s embarrassing to even admit to you. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then don’t,” Aoi answered. “That wasn’t you. That was the drunk version of you. I promise, I won’t judge you now for what you did in the past.” His words are wonderful to hear and for the first time since I admitted I had a problem, I felt a weight lift from my chest. Aoi understood and hadn’t run away. Perhaps there is hope for us now?

**~Aoi~**

To my relief Uruha was smiling again. I had hated to see him cry, though even in tears he’s attractive to me. Is a pretty crier a thing? That was what Uruha was, even if it wasn’t. As I hold him and offer my support Uruha slowly opens up to me. There’s so much that he isn’t telling me about his past but just knowing how he used his body to advance his career paints a picture of who he was. Why he’s so scared to flirt. He simply doesn’t understand healthy relationships. I don’t judge him for the past, I don’t feel like I’m in a position to do so.

“I don’t want to be a slut anymore,” Uruha said, using the ugly word I hated so very much. Slut, who ever came up with such a label? What did it matter if a person slept around? If everyone was happy and everything was consensual, then no harm was done. “I just want to have a good boyfriend who loves me.”

“If you let me, I could be that boyfriend,” I tell him, hope welling inside me. I wonder what Uruha really thinks of this relationship? “Of course, I think it’s best not to label us just yet. Whatever you decide, I promise I’ll wait however long it takes for you to feel ready.”

“You’ll wait for me?” Uruha asked, looking shocked at my promise. It’s almost like he doesn’t believe men can control their sexual urges. What kind of people has he been spending time with? The modelling world was so alien to me, it wasn’t really an industry I had put much thought into.

“However long it takes for you to feel like you’re not making mistakes.” I promise, carefully refusing to use the label he has placed on himself.

“Well I figured that it would be six months?” Uruha said, sounding unsure at his decision. I stare at him for a moment, shocked at his answer. Six months? Does he even realise how long that is?

“Six months?” I repeat. He must be joking. I don’t believe he’s serious with this request.

“Yes, six months.” Uruha said, pulling away from me to check my reaction as if he was actually serious. Wait, is he? I don’t know what to make of that at all.

“Don’t you think that’s a little far the other way?” I ask him. He’s getting stubborn now, I can see the rebellion in his eyes.

“If you want this body, you’ll wait for it.” Uruha declared. Wait six months. It’s so long but I have been single longer than that.

“Six months,” I repeat. “Is this banning everything? Is kissing allowed. Touching? Foreplay?”

“I could make a schedule of when we could do things.” Uruha said, his tone sounding sane but I was beginning to wonder if he even was.

“Can I kiss you, or is that like tenth date territory?” I tease him. He really hasn’t thought this through. He picked a random number and now he wants to stick to it, to not embarrass himself.

“You’re mocking me!” Uruha protested. “For that, you will have to wait to the twelve date!”

“I’m sorry,” I apologise. “It’s just that with this six month thing, I don’t think you’ve entirely thought the idea through.”

“Then what do you suggest?” Uruha asked. He’s open to discussion now. Perhaps he’s realised how ridiculous he was being?

“That we go on a date by date basis,” I answered. “We progress with things naturally and don’t focus too much on how long we’ve been together. I mean most men I’ve dated who wanted to wait, only waited for a few dates. I know you’re scared of who you were, but I promise you I won’t just use you like the men in the past. If you give yourself to me this moment, the next time we meet, in six months, nothing will change between us. I’ll still want to date you. I think Uruha, you just have a flare for the dramatic.”

“I do not!” Uruha exclaimed, pouting at my words. So adorable! I can’t help myself. I know he said twelve date but I can’t wait that long to kiss him. I lean towards him, placing my lips on his tenderly and whilst he doesn’t respond, he doesn’t freeze up or run either.

“One date at a time?” I ask him. “I’ll never ask you to do something sexual that you don’t want to. That’s the promise I will make to you.”

“One date at a time.” Uruha agrees to the compromise. I wonder if he still has it in his head that he can wait so long to be with me. I honestly don’t believe he’ll want to wait. The way he’s looking at me right now, he wants my body bad. Who can blame him, right? I kiss him again and this time he does respond. His lips are so soft, so willing to follow my lead. He’s a great kisser and I’m left hungry for more. I pull back before I can get aroused. Perhaps the hardest thing I’ve had to do since I stopped drinking beer. I know though that this is the right thing to do. If I push things, Uruha will surely run. He may have had a lot of sexual experience but I begin to wonder if he has ever truly been in love before. If he hasn’t, it only makes sense why he is so scared.


	4. Chapter 4

**~Aoi~**

I woke up in a great mood, the memories of my kiss with Uruha the day before still fresh in my mind. He’s a great kisser, getting better as he relaxed and began to trust me. Slowly, gradually, we confessed some of our drunken mistakes to one another until I feel we finally found a place of understanding. It’s good that Kai left us, despite how anxious that had made Uruha, for now I was sure the blond wouldn’t fear being alone with me. With the exception of the kiss, which I’m sure he enjoyed, I was a perfectly gentleman. The kind of man who would wait for six months perhaps? Uruha could be so crazy at times but that was part of his charm. 

“You’re up early,” Kai commented as I entered the kitchen. “I can see from that smile your date went well.”

“He’s perfect,” I say with a sigh, I only realised that I sounded like a teenage girl with a crush when I took in Kai’s reaction. I decide it’s best to change the subject, Kai doesn’t need to pry. “I’m going to start looking for a job again. I need some money.”

“Is this about the rent?” Kai asked, his question sounding perfectly reasonable though we both knew the rent wasn’t something I was supposed to be worrying about. I had some savings and when they ran out, Kai was going to cover my share for a while. He wanted me to focus on healing first but sometimes I wondered if it was just because he didn’t like to clean. Now he had me to do that for the both of us. As simple as Kai’s question was, he was figuring out if I was trying to earn money to buy drinks again.

“You know I can afford rent,” I tell him, deliberately vague on the matter. “Isn’t a man entitled to work? Isn’t it what’s expected?”

“Yes of course.” Kai answered. There’s worry in his eyes and whilst it’s amusing to me, I don’t want to be cruel to my best friend.

“I need money so that I can treat Uruha,” I admit. “He’s used to money, you should see his car and whilst I know he doesn’t expect to be spoiled, if I don’t pay for some treats won’t I just look like I’m living off him? He’s the paranoid type, likes to create stories in his head, I need to show him that I’m not some kind of freeloader.”

“You’re not a freeloader.” Kai scolded rather defensive at my evaluation of myself. He’s the reason I’m out of work of course, he was the one who fired me from the restaurant, but once I admitted my problem to myself, I stopped being mad at him for that.

“It’s not your fault,” I say, “I would have fired me to.”

“I wonder,” Kai said thoughtfully, redirecting the conversation before we could discuss the matter further. “What kind of job are you interested in?”

“Anything free of temptation,” I answer, knowing that Kai is pleased with this decision. “I had a quick look online last night, there’s a job in a greengrocer and another in a woman’s clothes shop that I want to apply for. Not sure how they’d feel about a man at the clothes shop, or a homosexual hired for lifting heavy vegetables, but it’s worth a go. I’ll have a look some more after breakfast. There must be plenty of jobs.”

“Well good luck,” Kai said supportively as I went to get some food from the fridge. “I’ll give you a glowing reference of course. Just let me know how things go. But Aoi, I don’t want you to think you need to spoil this new boyfriend of yours. Don’t work a job you hate, that’s all I’m saying.”

“You think if I have a bad job, it’ll tempt me to drink?” I ask him. He doesn’t answer, we both know that this is exactly what would happen if I had a bad time. “I promise, if the job sucks, I’ll quit right away.”

“Well it’s not like I want you to walk out over every little thing,” Kai said. “Just use some common sense, ok?”

“Yes boss!” I tell him jokingly, though it’s been a couple of months since I worked for him.

As it turned out, the manager of the greengrocer called me just over an hour after I applied. I was stunned to hear he wanted to interview me on the afternoon, I’d been looking for jobs on and off for the last month and had never had a response so soon. I wondered how desperate the shop was for staff, if this was a good or bad thing.

I figured there was no harm in attending the interview, so I borrowed Kai’s suit when I found mine a creased mess at the bottom of my wardrobe, and headed out to meet the man who may just become my new boss. As I approach the shop, I make sure to remove my piercings not wanting to give a bad impression.

There’s only a girl in the shop at the moment, standing behind the cash register as she appears to be pricing some jars of jam. I wonder for a moment why there is jam here but then I see the shelf of various jams, chutneys and other fruit or vegetable based concoctions. I suppose it makes sense. They are connected to the food sold here.

“Hi, I’m Aoi, actually you’d have my real name Shiroyama Yuu, I have a job interview?” I greet her. Reading her name badge I see her name is Midori and find myself smiling at just how appropriate her name is, giving the nature of the business.

“Reita will be with you in a minute,” Midori informs me, giving me a sceptical once over. I wonder what she thinks of me, at best I would say she was neutral. “Can you fill out the application form while you wait?” She added, handing me a clipboard with some papers and a pen.

“Sure.” I agreed, moving out of a customer’s way as I began to fill out the rather simple form. I was so focused on the forms that I didn’t notice the man enter from the back, only realising he was the manager when he asked me if I was done. I hand them over, watching nervously as he scans through my answers. He seems friendlier that Midori, not quite as sceptical.

He explains to me that this is his Grandfather’s store but that he is the acting manager while his Grandfather takes a long absence due to ill health. I suspect Reita knows his Grandfather won’t return but doesn’t want to say it out loud, just in case that makes the idea a reality. The interview questions are basic enough, mainly about my past job with nothing too personal. Then there comes the dreaded question of why I left the restaurant. I’ve tried lying, I’ve tried being honest, neither have worked before.

“I didn’t leave, I was fired,” I confess, unable to make eye contact. “I have a problem with alcohol. That’s kind of why I need a job like this so much. There’s nothing to tempt me here and I swear I’m a hard worker. I haven’t drunk for seven weeks, almost eight and if you call Kai, he’s my last boss, he’ll confirm that I’m trying to change.”

“It says on the equal opportunities form that you’re gay?” Reita asked. He’s not meant to bring that up, he’s not meant to admit he looked. Why is he asking this, rather than discussing my problem with me or ending the interview almost instantly?

“I am.” I say. This time I do make eye contact, challenging him to have a problem with this. Instead of answering, he’s looking over my application with hesitation.

“Look, we both know that a fool would hire a man with such a problem,” Reita said, I’m not sure if he means alcoholism or homosexuality. “But I rather like you, I certainly had no problems with your work ethic, if you’ve been honest about that too. I really don’t know if I should take this risk in trusting you, I’ve been let down before. Would you accept a week trial before I make the decision to hire you?”

“That would be perfect!” I assure him, unable to believe that I had already been hired for work. It had been so hard before, I guess I had got lucky.

“Well I think having staff named Midori and Aoi is a sign,” Reita half-heartedly agreed, our names are both colours of course. I hadn’t made the connection. He led me out of the office and informed Midori that I had been hired, she smiled nervously at me, perhaps wondering why I was different to whoever Reita had interviewed before. “No need to be nervous, he’s not into women.” Another thing a manager shouldn’t be doing! I almost say something but Midori got there first.

“You’re gay?” Midori asked, her face lighting up in a smile. So that was why Reita had been interested, why he was sharing my sexuality without checking if it was all right to do so. He wanted a staff member Midori was comfortable around and had decided that person would be me. I wondered what the guy I was replacing had done, certainly something that made Midori anxious to work around men, but I decided that is was better not to ask.

**~Uruha~**

There’s someone knocking at my door rather impatiently and I stir from sleep rather reluctantly. It’s almost midday, had I really slept so long? I’d been too excited to get to sleep the night before, my mind constantly on Aoi and my fantasies of us. I wanted that man so badly, not just sexually but in every possible way. I wanted to know all his secrets, to be the one to support and care for him. I wanted to be his boyfriend, I realised as I stumbled out of bed and went to answer the door, wearing very little at all.

I figured it would be my sister, nobody else comes without calling first, which was why I don’t care about my appearance for once. I looked a mess but my sister would just have to put up with that for turning up unannounced yet again.

“Ruki!” I say as I open the door, shocked and embarrassed to see my friend on the other side. He’s a model too and he looked the part, in comparison I looked like I had just rolled out of bed, I’d assume. Ruki seems shocked to see me like this and then suspicious, I realise too late what this must look like. “I had trouble sleeping,” I mutter in explanation before inviting him in.

“Is this a bad time?” Ruki asks. He seems more suspicious than before, his eyes roaming my apartment for any signs of empty bottles. Of course, he finds none. “I tried to call you but there was no answer.”

“I was asleep,” I explain. “If you don’t mind waiting a little while I get ready, I’ll be happy to talk.” Satisfied with my response, Ruki takes off his shoes and I close the door behind him.

“Some guy keep you up late?” Ruki asked. I freeze, giving him a warning look at the suggestion. Ruki is used to me bringing home random men but that’s not who I am anymore. He knows this. I’m almost hurt at the suggest but I guess I can’t blame him. He was friends with drunk Uruha, this new me is someone he has yet to get to know.

“Not in the way you think,” I tell him. “I was on a date yesterday but we only kissed and then I came home. I was so excited I couldn’t relax at all. Oh Ruki, he’s perfect!”

“You used his bed then? What was he like?” Ruki asked.

“I told you, we only kissed.” I scolded him.

“Then how do you know he’s perfect?” Ruki challenged. I ignore him and go to shower instead, knowing Ruki will make himself right at home. I don’t rush but I don’t linger either, returning to Ruki looking far more like the man he’s used to seeing. I knew it was coming, so I wasn’t at all surprised when Ruki continued to question me on my new man.

“His name is Aoi, I met him at a meeting,” I explain. Ruki knows about my alcoholism of course, though pretty much everyone else has no idea. I couldn’t lie to him. “He’s sweet and kind, I’m so happy when I’m with him. I think he’s my soulmate!”

“Rushing into things a little aren’t you?” Ruki said, though his tone isn’t critical. He believes I’m a hopeless romantic, I’ve had my heart broken enough times to know he’s right. “If one of you slips up and drinks, you may just drag the other down with you. Is this relationship really a good idea?”

“Yes!” I exclaimed, wondering why Ruki is being like this. Why can’t he just be supportive of me? He always finds fault with the men I date and yes, so far he’s been right, but this time I know he’s wrong. “We’ll be strong together. I didn’t even want to quit, not really, before I met him.”

“I’m not so sure…” Ruki began before thinking better off it. “Well I suppose if he has you truly seeing your problem as it is, then that can’t be a bad thing.”

“You don’t need to worry about me, I truly want to quit now,” I reassure him. “You probably searched my apartment already, there’s no bottles here.”

“I was worried, but you don’t seem hungover,” Ruki admitted. I knew it! Before, when I was only going through the motions of quitting, I would have been angry at him. Now I understood that he was just a concerned friend. “Anyway, what’s this Aoi’s job?”

“He was a waiter,” I answer. I don’t like this question, it’s not fair to Aoi. “Now he’s focusing on recovery.”

“Are you sure he’s not just after your money?” Ruki asked.

“No! He’s not!” I exclaim. Great, something new to worry about. Why is it that whenever I get rid of one concern, another slides right into its place? “He doesn’t even know I’m rich. All he’s seen is my designer clothes and my nice car….”

“He knows,” Ruki said simply and I silently admit that he’s right. “Does he know you’re a model?”

“Yes, but not that I’m Kouyou,” I answer. I wonder if Aoi had tried to find photos of me, what he thinks if he has. Has he always known who I am? Not wanting Ruki to attack Aoi’s character any longer, I turn the questions onto him. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“Don’t get upset,” Ruki said with a sigh. “It’s about the client you lost. They offered the contract to me. I told them I needed to think about it, I know how much you loved their new clothes, how much it meant to you. I’ll turn them down if you want?” I have to think about this, I really wanted to wear those clothes but of course I had lost any chance of ever working with the client. Naturally they’d want a replacement, could I be happy for my friend?

“If it’s not you, it’s someone else,” I say, rationalising my decision as I go. “I’d rather it was you than someone I hate.”

“Are you sure?” Ruki asks. “You don’t sound happy.”

“I’m not, how can I be happy about losing that client?” I ask him. “You take it, honestly I won’t hold it against you. I barely won it over you in the first place. I had to…”

“Sleep with him?” Ruki asked. I nod miserably. It didn’t actually go quite as far but there were sexual favours involved. I wonder if Ruki had gone that route too, he played innocent, as if the client had just come to him, but he was as notorious as me in the industry for sleeping his way to the top. Could I continue without doing this? I’d be one of those well-behaved models, the ones many clients overlooked, except I’d have the name Kouyou on my side. That name counted for a lot.

“Did you?” I ask him. “I promise I won’t be mad.”

“I played hard to get, but there were promises.” Ruki admitted. “Sorry Uruha, I know you’ll start thinking I stole the client from you but I promise, I did nothing until it was obvious you had lost it.”

“He doesn’t keep an erection for long.” I say bitterly. I wanted to be mad at Ruki but that was just my way of dealing with this misery I was beginning to feel. I had wanted that contract, I had worked to get it and due to my own stupidity and the problem I had, it was gone.

“Stop sulking,” Ruki teased, wrapping an arm around my waist and placing a kiss on my cheek. “Come on, I’ll take you shopping. We need to find you something sexy for your next date with Aoi. You need to seduce him already. Imagine, not sleeping with you on a date!”

“I was the one who said to wait!” I protested but the thought of shopping with my friend had my focus. “I wonder how he would react if I wore leather shorts?”

“He’d faint from arousal, I’m sure.” Ruki promised me. I doubted that was possible but I have to admit, I kind of liked thinking about having that effect over him.


	5. Chapter 5

**~Aoi~**

I could hardly believe I had got a job so quickly, and by being honest as well! I know Reita has his doubts about me but that is perfectly understandable, I’d have my doubts too. I’d sent a message to Kai straight away, the moment I had turned the corner and was out of view. Not having a response from my friend, he was working, I decided to treat myself to whatever took my fancy in a local music shop. I always felt at peace around instruments, finding my guitar an oasis from the never-ending desire to drink.

Having eyed up a guitar I didn’t need, I bought a few sheet music books and headed out of the shop grinning like a fool. I wanted to celebrate properly, with my closest friends, but I knew a party wasn’t about to happen. How could it? I was hardly in control of my problem, no point setting myself up to fail. Perhaps Kai could think of something we could do instead? He’s good at that kind of thing.

I begin to walk home when I spot him. Uruha, as beautiful as ever. I feel myself becoming flustered as I watch him and his friend from afar, a friend who is almost as beautiful as Uruha himself may I add. They laugh together at a joke I’m too far away to hear, the multiple shopping bags they are holding all branded from high end stores. I have to admit, I’m kind of jealous when I see them. Here I was, trying to budget a new guitar when they could indulge together like this. I’ve never been jealous of material possessions before, that’s not like me. It’s then I realise I’m jealous that they have this experience together, something I can’t afford to ever have the luxury to enjoy.

I’m about to approach the pair to say hello before I’m mistaken as a stalker, when the shorter man suddenly wraps Uruha in a hug and kisses his cheek. I stare in horror, my jealousy doubling and then tripling inside me. A friendly gesture, it means nothing, but how I hate that man for doing that. I’m even mad at Uruha for not scolding his friend. If I was thinking more rationally, I’d remember the times I had hugged Kai, how they had meant nothing romantic to either of us, but my mood wasn’t allowing me to be so rational.

I turn away from them and begin to walk away. I don’t want to see this. I don’t want to know how close these men are to each other. My good mood had been shattered and as always, my dark emotions want to lead me to a bar. Instead I tell myself I will go home, or maybe Kai’s restaurant where he can scold me for being so silly.

“Aoi!” A familiar voice calls out from behind me. I’d been spotted, I try my best to collect my emotions and turn to give the friends a false smile as they hurry to catch up with me. “Did you not notice me?”

“I guess not,” I lie. Continuing to smile, I wrap Uruha in a hug that lingers too long to be friendly. “I’d never walk away from you.”

“This is my friend, Ruki,” Uruha said as he steps out of my embrace. I wonder if I had scared him by being too forward but he seems perfectly calm. “Ruki, meet Aoi.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you.” Ruki greets me with a slight nod of his head. I want to be nasty and tell him I’ve never heard of him, but my jealousy isn’t Ruki’s fault.

“He did mention you once or twice.” I confess. Ruki smiles at that, pleased that he has come up in conversation.

“How come you’re here?” Uruha asked. “If we’d known you were in the area you could have joined us.”

“I had a job interview.” I find myself telling him. He seems delighted at the news, especially when I tell him I got the job. I had worried he would judge me for the job I had got, it’s barely minimum wage, but he does no such thing. He gives Ruki a look that we both know means ‘I told you so’. Had he thought I might have been after his money? The thought had never crossed my mind.

“Are you going to celebrate?” Ruki asks us both. I think he’s just trying to make polite conversation but by the way Uruha glares at him I come to realise that Ruki knows I’m an alcoholic.

“That’s what these books are for.” I answer with a smile that’s becoming more and more forced.

“I love that shop,” Uruha said, breaking the awkwardness between us. “What did you get?”

“Just some sheet music.” I said, letting him take the bag off me so he can look through my purchases.

“I like them too,” Ruki comments, as Uruha shows him a book from one of my favourite bands and declares they are his favourite musicians. This is the first time Ruki has said something that hasn’t annoyed me and cautiously I begin to talk music with the pair. We all have similar tastes it seems and Ruki is quite knowledgeable on the subject. I think maybe I judged him too quickly. A man with such exceptional music taste can’t be all bad. “You know, this is the first time Uruha has shut up about you all day. He’s quite obsessed.”

“Ruki!” Uruha exclaimed, lightly hitting his friend on the shoulder. “How could you say that to him!” He’s embarrassed but I’m nothing but pleased. Ruki must surely know by now what Uruha’s intentions are. It was just a kiss between friends, I had read too much into it. “I am not obsessed!”

“How can you not be obsessed with this?” I ask, gesturing to myself. Uruha stands shocked at my words, glancing helplessly at Ruki for support. “If it helps. I’m obsessed too. I even have a little affection left over for you.”

“Don’t tease me!” Uruha protested. “Both of you are so mean!”

“And don’t you forget it!” Ruki informed me. I laugh and give Uruha a quick kiss on the cheek before making my excuses to go. I no longer mind that Uruha is spending time with his friend and I don’t want to intrude. Let them have their shopping trip together, I know that my time with Uruha is going to be even better.

I call out Kai’s name as I open the front door, my excitement over the job having returned in full force. He’s not in the living room but I see his shoes and know he’s home. His room, or the kitchen, he’s usually in one or the other.

“In here!” Kai calls from the kitchen. “Did you want something? I was going to head out to work soon.” It was supposed to be his night off, but an emergency situation must have come up.

“So am I!” I declare as I join him. “Only I’m not leaving until Monday morning.”

“The greengrocer?” Kai asks. “A man named Reita has already called to ask about you.”

“Well that’s no fun,” I complain. I had wanted to tell Kai first but I supposed it was my own fault for lingering around the shops before coming home or calling him myself. “Still. Isn’t it great I got hired so quickly? He took one look at my beautiful face and was like ‘You’re hired!’. I just said ok and then we shook hands like Europeans and everything was settled. Just like that.”

“And that’s why he still called with questions and wants a written reference?” Kai asked sceptically.

“Well he must have memory problems, to not remember this.” I say, gesturing at myself. My self confidence of course isn’t really this high but now I’m in a good mood I feel free to act this way for Kai’s amusement.

“Must be,” Kai said and there it is, that smile of his that makes me feel all warm inside whenever I see it. “Well I guess congratulations are in order.”

“They are, which is why you need to help me think of a way to celebrate.” I encourage him.

“We could…” Kai began, slowly figuring out the problem. We’d gone out drinking when he had graduated cooking school, a whole bunch of us had gone. When he opened the restaurant, he had hosted a private cocktail night just for his friends. When I had mastered guitar at the highest grade, we had shared a bottle of wine and watched the worst reality TV that we could find. My point being, whenever we needed to celebrate, out came a bottle.

“Not so easy, is it?” I tease him. If Kai is struggling to think of something then it’s not just my problem clouding my mind, making me stupid and uncreative. Kai gives me a helpless luck as I smile at him.

“Sex?” He finally suggests. Before I can answer he begins to leave the room.

“Some help you are!” I call after him. Alcohol and sex, two things I won’t be getting or having anytime soon. I wish Uruha would be a little more open to the idea, I wonder what he would be willing to do with me to celebrate. He’s gorgeous and experienced in the bedroom, which he finds to be a character flaw but I only see as beneficial to myself. I want him so bad right now, my body is beginning to react to my thoughts of him and I sigh in frustration. Looks like I’m going to need a shower to relieve some tension. I wondered if I should bring a toy in with me but Kai is still home and I don’t want to be too loud. Perhaps not this time.

**~Uruha~**

I press the doorbell button on Aoi’s door, not even sure if he is home. I never told him I was coming over, I wanted to surprise him. I wait impatiently for him to come, but it’s Kai who answers and welcomes me in.

“Aoi, it’s Uruha.” Kai calls towards the bathroom. Is he naked in there, my own thoughts betray me? Now his image is burnt into my mind. I want to see him without clothes, I want…

He appears half dressed, his hair is wet from the shower and he hasn’t even bothered putting on a shirt. I smile nervously at him, my gaze wandering over his chest even as the mantra to be good runs through my mind.

“Uruha!” Aoi says, both surprised and happy to see me. His smile broadens as he realises I’m checking him out and I turn my eyes away from him. He knows he’s hot, he must know what his half naked appearance can do to a man. “I was just in the shower, I wasn’t expecting you.”

“Looks like I have good timing then. I get to see your naked chest.” I say flirtatiously. I remember Kai is there, another man to think poorly of my slutty behaviour, but he simply smiles at me and walks out of the apartment. I wonder if he has somewhere to be, or if he’s just trying to give us privacy.

“Which you of course love,” Aoi answers. Is he mocking me for being so easy? I never would have flirted if I thought that was going to be what he thought. Then I realise he’s just flattering himself. “I showed you mine, now to show me yours?” He sounds so hopeful that I slowly pull up my shirt, just a few inches before letting it drop with a shake of my head.

“And that’s all you’re getting!” I scold him as he begins to complain. “Anyway, I bought you a gift as congratulations on your new job. I hope you like it.”

“I can’t accept this,” Aoi said without looking at what was inside the bag. “I already know you’ve spent far too much money by the branding on that bag.”

“It was cheap,” I lie, pulling out the shirt I had bought for him. When he still stands stubbornly refusing to accept it, I begin to put it on him, ignoring his comment about him wanting me to take clothes off and not put them on. He’s been really flirtatious today. His good mood seems to have made him forget how easily startled I can be by his words. I find though that I don’t want to run when he flirts, I rather enjoy hearing these words. “It suits you. Do you like it?”

“I love it but…” Aoi begins, I kiss him to cut off his protests.

“If you love it, just accept it.” I order, really, he’s been quite difficult.

“How about if I accept it, you let me unbutton your shirt?” Aoi asks. When I don’t answer, he reaches for the buttons but I step back.

“Have you ever googled me?” I ask him, as I take his hand and lead him to the sofa where we can sit quietly together. “Ruki says that you probably have.”

“Well Uruha isn’t your real name and I didn’t want to breach your privacy by trying.” Aoi confessed. I smile at him, unbuttoning three buttons at the bottom of my shirt to reveal some skin for him. What I’m about to let him see is going to be far more than this.

“You didn’t recognise me?” I ask him. “What about the name, Kouyou?”

“I don’t really follow models,” Aoi confessed. “And no, I didn’t recognise Ruki either but I assume he works with you.”

“Meaning you found him hot,” I say with a mock pout, laughing when Aoi begins to defend himself. “Well he is, but he wouldn’t be a model if he wasn’t. Anyway, I want you to google my name.”

“Something I need to see?” Aoi asks, reaching for a tablet computer that had been left on the coffee table. Under my watchful gaze, he types in my name and begins to browse the image results. I can tell he doesn’t understand why he’s looking. He hasn’t found the pictures just yet. Then the first one appears and his eyes widen in surprise.

“You wanted to see my chest.” I remind him, it’s there online for the world to see. I’ve done several underwear contracts, it’s one of these that’s he’s found.

“Is this photoshopped?” Aoi asks, “I mean, of course it is but…”

“Honestly, any image you see of me is quite fake, sometimes I barely recognise myself.” I admit, finally unbuttoning the rest of the shirt. See, this scar is gone and… “Uruha, I don’t know if I can control myself if you start undressing. I know I said I wanted to see but you are so very tempting to me as it is.”

“There’s more online,” I tell him. “An advert where I’m naked, though you only see my back, another where you see me in a rather suggestive pose with a woman…”

“Uruha, I mean it!” Aoi interrupted me, placing the tablet down. “I know you don’t want me to take advantage. Please stop, I want you so badly. It’s not fair that you’re turning me on like this.”

“Aoi.” I whisper, no longer sure what it is that I want. He’s right, I’m pushing him too far. I wonder if I should offer him something. My hand perhaps? I wouldn’t mind bringing him to completion but I’m not a slut! Not anymore. I freeze and then he’s kissing me, his hand against the scar I pointed out to him. I melt in his embrace, lost in pleasure before I remember that I’m not Kouyou right now. I’m Uruha and Uruha doesn’t do things like this. “No, I’m not ready.”

“I know.” Aoi said with a sigh. He smiles sadly at me and I can’t take it. I’m the reason why he can’t have me. I want him, he wants me, but this voice that mocks my drunken antics won’t let me do anything with him.

“I’m so sorry, I let you down.” I say and then, to my own embarrassment, I begin to cry.


	6. Chapter 6

**~Aoi~**

Uruha was crying, not the first time I had seen him break down but perhaps this time it was more of a surprise. It was my own fault, in my excitable mood I had flirted too much, pushed him too far. I knew he was nervous about forming an adult relationship with me and now look what had happened. My beautiful boyfriend was in tears and I wasn’t even sure if holding him would help. Cautiously I place my arm over his shoulders, pulling him towards me as I began to feel like the worst man in the world.

“You’re not letting me down,” I tell him. “It’s my own fault, I was being pushy.”

“Because you know I’m a slut.” Uruha said miserably. I barely heard his words, they were so mumbled, but I got the meaning behind them.

“No, you’re not,” I scold him. I’m about to say that a slut is someone who uses sex as a weapon or means to get their own way, but Uruha did do that in the past. “I’d never think badly of you.”

“You would, you’re so perfect and I’m just a mess.”

“Uruha!” I scold him. “Firstly, we both have the same problem, don’t we? How could I possibly be perfect? Secondly, take a look at yourself. You have the body of a god and yet you don’t look down on us mere mortals at all. You’re successful in your career, you could literally have any man you wanted.”

“And I did!” Uruha interrupted my stream of compliments, I had a hundred more but I let him speak. “I slept with them all, rose to the top by practically selling my body and…”

“Well it’s better than what I did,” I say. It’s my turn to interrupt him. “If you’re a slut then I’d hate to hear what you thought of me.”

“You wouldn’t sleep around, no matter how drunk you were. Do you mean stealing from Kai?” Uruha guessed. Can I do it, can I confess my darkest secret to him? Would it help or just send him away? Even Kai doesn’t know everything about me.

“Kind of,” I begin hesitantly. I’m more nervous now than when I first asked him out. He’s going to hate me and run away, I know that, but it’s not fair to keep this secret from him. “Alcohol is expensive and adds up quickly when you drink a lot of it. I was only a waiter and Kai only ever allowed his staff to take one drink from the bar at the end of their shift. The bartender guarded those bottles like they were made of gold I swear, or perhaps he just realised I had a problem. Anyway, I ran low on money so many times but I needed my fix. There were a few times, and I’m really not proud of this, but I would give men far older than me oral pleasure for money. That’s worse than anything you did. You admitted it yourself, you were at least attracted a little to the men you were with. I was just a whore.”

“That’s terrible.” Uruha said, clearly horrified by my confession. It’s the reaction I had expected but not the one I was hoping for.

“You know where the door is.” I tell him, unable to look at him any longer. My heart is already breaking, it’ll turn to dust if I saw his judgement.

“Don’t be silly,” Uruha scolds me, “I wouldn’t leave over that.” He’s not crying any more, what I said has shaken away his own sorrow. I’ve taken his pain and brought it all upon myself.

“You should,” I tell him. “I know how you think of men who sleep around. Well that was me. I don’t need your judgement. I judge myself harshly enough.”

“I won’t leave you,” Uruha said, pulling me into his arms. I realise I’m crying now, what a pair we are. We were meant to be celebrating and now we’re just sat here in tears. He doesn’t say anything else, perhaps because he can’t deny what I said to him. “It really is evil. Alcohol I mean.”

“You blame my mistakes on drink but not your own?” I ask him. “How does that make sense?”

“Because I enjoyed sleeping around. It was part of who I was, part of me even now. I could have just lay down and let you have me tonight. It’s what you want, what I want but the very idea of being that man again frightens me.”

“Well I’m glad to hear that,” I tell him, relieved that he does feel sexual attraction as strongly as I did. “But what you want and what you do aren’t the same. The first time I met you, I was ready to throw you down right there and have my way with you but did I do it? No. I have self-control, I’m not a rapist, I care about your feelings on the matter too. I’m sorry if it scares you but I must admit, I masturbate to thoughts of you.”

“Well now you know my name to find more pictures,” Uruha says with a grin. He’s a strange man, that Uruha. I’ve never met somebody so hot and cold like he is. I don’t know what his reaction to anything I say or do will be. It’s both exciting and frightening all at the same time. “What? Don’t look so surprised. I know men masturbate to thoughts of me. Some fans write it in letters and send it to me! I’ve had fan art drawn too.”

“You sound like a real celebrity.” I comment, realising as his smile faded that I said the wrong thing. He was a celebrity, just because I didn’t follow models or recognised him didn’t change that. “Well you are of course and…”

“Aoi,” Uruha stops me. “Let’s make a deal. To stay sober so that we’re always in control of our actions. Neither of us are those drunken idiots right now. You’re afraid of my judgement, then hear it is. Drunken Aoi is a thief and a whore, I’d want nothing to do with him. Sober Aoi though, he may just be the man of my dreams.”

“I bet you’ve dreamt of having this body,” I tease him. I’m not offended by his words, I’m just glad he’s able to compartmentalise these things. Drunk Aoi, sober Aoi, two different men. “So here’s my promise. I will stay sober for the rest of my life. I was planning on that anyway. The day we sleep together, if it’s this moment or six months or even six years, I won’t think bad of you at all. I’ll be there in the morning. It won’t be a one-night stand. You are not a slut for sleeping with me, this is our third date, ok? Everything after the third date is perfectly fine. Right?”

“I don’t know.” Uruha says. He still won’t listen to me, that voice in his head is still calling him names and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. If only I could get him to listen to me instead, but even my charm isn’t going to be strong enough to do that.

**~Uruha~**

I was in emotionally shock, a voice in my head screaming at me to run. The things Aoi had done, the things he had confessed he wanted to do to me, made him far worse than I ever was. I could hardly believe what he had told me, he wanted to rape me the first time we met! He wanted… what every man wanted a voice in my head calmed my nerves. He lusted after me, in the same way I lusted after him. His promise to be there in the morning had me almost letting him have me in that moment but before I could voice my decision, he was asking for my help.

“I can try, what is it?” I asked him, both relieved and disappointed that the sexual tension that had been building up between us had begun to disperse. I had never wanted a man as much as I wanted Aoi. There was a real connection there, wasn’t there?

“How do you celebrate?” Aoi asked.

“With a party of course,” I answer, my happy answer slowly turning to realisation that I won’t be able to go to any parties for a while. I wonder if I would ever be able to resist that temptation. “Except perhaps not anymore.”

“I want to celebrate my new job,” Aoi explains. “Something that I can do to treat my friends who have stood by me through it all. I’ve hurt so many of them and this would be a way to help set things right. Only a party isn’t going to cut it and Kai is always a pain when we go out for a meal. He’s very judgemental of the competition, his one bad trait I would think.”

“These friends, they know you have this problem?” I ask him, pleased when he confirms it. “Then why don’t you just throw a party anyway? We could make cocktails that have no alcohol in them at all. Ruki suggested that to me and at the time I wasn’t ready, but I think I could be happy drinking such drinks now. We could have pizza! I love pizza but Ruki will never let us order it when we hang out. Please Aoi! Let’s have a pizza party!”

“Whose party is this?” Aoi teases me. I realise that I’d forgotten the purpose of the party and smile sheepishly at him.

“I assumed I would be invited,” I say, “We don’t have to do anything I suggested though, it was just an idea.”

“A great one, my friends and I will love the pizza,” Aoi replied. I glare at him until he finally admits that I would be one of those friends. He thinks he can tease me about this, but I now know too much to be fooled. Aoi is obsessed with me, as I am with him, there’s not a chance he’d exclude me. “Fine, you can come. As my boyfriend?”

“As your boyfriend,” I agree, feeling almost shy. Does this make us official? Do I have to sleep with him to mark the beginning of our true relationship? I push my worries aside, Aoi keeps telling me that I don’t need to do anything sexual that I don’t want to and I believe him. “But that means there can be nobody else.”

“Of course,” Aoi answered, amused that I had to clarify that. “And where did we meet?”

“Stop teasing me, you know we met…” I begin to protest, faltering as I realised what he was actually asking. Did I want his friends to know that I have this problem? “Online dating?”

“Doubtful my friends would believe that,” Aoi said thoughtfully. “I know. I was attending a job interview for a reception position at your modelling agency. I didn’t get it but you happened to see me leave and said hello.”

“You approached me,” I correct. “Tell them how beautiful I was, how much you wanted me. That I was reluctant but agreed to go to the cinema. It’s basically the truth.”

“They’d think I was an obsessed fan.” Aoi said with a sigh but he agreed to my request all the same. It was best to bend the truth just a little instead of making up an entirely new story. I spend some more time with him, talking and kissing, before I decide it’s time to go home. He doesn’t want me to leave, I didn’t want to leave, but neither of us pushed the matter. It’s as if he realises that if I stay the night, we will have sex and I may just regret it. As I drive home, I wonder if he will be looking up my more erotic photos and realise he very much will be. I smile at the thought of his reaction to them, not at all ashamed to think of the thoughts that must be in his head when he sees them. I want him to pleasure himself looking at me, it’s as much of myself that I can give him right now.

I find Ruki sitting against my front door when I arrive home, he’s fallen asleep while waiting for me. I can tell he’s been drinking, otherwise he would have brought his keys to my apartment or at least thought to call me when I wasn’t home. I find myself judging his condition rather harshly, my cruel thoughts more a reflection of how I felt about my past self than Ruki.

Gently I wake him up and help him to the guest bedroom so that he can sleep the alcohol off. I wonder if he has alcohol in the bag he’s holding and almost want to check before stopping myself. Hadn’t I just been thinking how glad I was that I didn’t end up like this anymore?

“Where have you been,” Ruki asks as I help him out of his boots. “I’ve been waiting for…I don’t know.”

“I was at Aoi’s, you could have called.” I scold him.

“Oh,” Ruki said, I’m not sure what emotion I hear in his voice, mostly he still seems confused. “I’ve forgotten why I came here.”

“That’s all right, just get some sleep.” I encourage, but he’s gripping my arm and clearly doesn’t want me to go.

“Lie with me, I want to talk but the room is spinning.” Ruki requests. We both slip under the covers, lying on our sides so that we can see each other. Ruki used to do this for me all the time. Sometimes I was giddy with excitement, other times I was in tears, mostly I was just lonely and Ruki always listened to what I had to say. A few times we had ended up sleeping together, I wondered if Ruki was feeling lonely right now.

“Aoi is officially my boyfriend now.” I tell him gently. He’s made no sign that he wants anything but conversation but I need him to know that my body isn’t going to be a way for him to find comfort.

“You slept with him?” Ruki asked. I have to be honest and he’s not impressed. “Well then, he’s not really a boyfriend.”

“School kids have boyfriends and don’t sleep together, or those waiting for marriage,” I correct him. He doesn’t accept my words, it’s clear he doesn’t think my relationship with Aoi is anything of significance and I find myself hurt by his judgement. “Whatever you think, and you’re wrong, we’re telling all his friends at his party on Saturday.”

“You’re not allowed to go to parties, you’d end up like me.” Ruki said, laughing at what he must perceive to have been a joke. I would end up like him, a drunken mess unable to fully process what was going on. Ruki was lucky he’d come here, where I could care for him. Far from being tempted to drink with him, he was becoming a real wake up call for why I no longer wanted to drink.

“I can go to this one,” I tell him. “We’re going to have pizza and make fake cocktails, like you suggested. You should come! The cocktails were your idea, you’re the one who found the recipes.”

“Aoi wants me there?” Ruki asks sceptically. I haven’t even asked Aoi but I happily tell Ruki that he is very much invited. Ruki seems surprised by this but in his drunken state he can’t really argue with me. He agrees to come and be the bar tender but I think he just likes the idea of finally having an excuse to eat pizza.

“You need to sleep,” I tell him, kissing his forehead before I make my way out of the room. He doesn’t protest but I can tell he didn’t want me to go. As I leave him, I silently pray that Aoi won’t mind Ruki coming. He won’t mind, will he? I’m his boyfriend now and Ruki is just one extra guest. I slip into bed, thoughts of what Aoi may be doing in his bed tonight rushing through my mind.

He’s looking at photos of me, using his hand to pleasure himself. I imagine his moans, his happy smile, the pure desire that’s in his eyes when he sees just how sexy I can be. Slowly my own hand makes its way to my own erection and I begin masturbate to thoughts of him masturbating to me. I’m ready to bring this relationship to the next level but I’m not quite sure where my new limits are. I suppose that’s a thought for another day. As quietly as possible, I stroke myself, muffling my moans as much as possible like I had to do when I was a teenager. Ruki is only in the other room, I don’t want to wake him. Don’t want him to think I’m doing this to thoughts of him. A stray thought wonders if Ruki imagines me when he pleasures himself and this time, I’m not sure I like the idea of a man masturbating to thoughts of me. I’m Aoi’s now, that’s why I care, I tell myself as the pleasure builds within me threatening to overflow. I hope I’ll be Aoi’s forever.


	7. Chapter 7

**~Uruha~**

I’m frozen in shock, my heart racing in fear of what I may have done. Why is there a man in my bed? I woke up like this, the familiar feeling of a possessive embrace from behind brining me back to all the times I had done this before. I’m not awake yet, not really, and in my panic, I have forgotten the night before. Did I drink? I don’t think I did. Aoi didn’t come home with me. Nobody should be here. Except Ruki. Is it him? Nervously I move out of the man’s embrace and take on my friend’s sleeping form. Ruki. That’s not so bad. Except what would Aoi think if…

No, I’m fully dressed. Nothing happened. He must have just come into my bed during the night for company, or bad dreams? Ruki always acts so cool and together but I know that he sometimes has horrific nightmares. He never told me what causes these bad dreams and if he had, I wouldn’t share.

I place a kiss on his cheek, so relieved that nothing has happened between us, before leaving him to sleep off the drink. My happiness from the night before returns as I go about my morning routine. Aoi is my boyfriend. Which means that he probably shouldn’t know that Ruki is sleeping in my bed. He won’t understand my relationship with Ruki, will think it’s more than what it is. Perhaps I should tell him? Just in case he gets the wrong idea. Did he and Kai ever share a bed? I doubted it. It’s not what normal friends do. Not when they’re adults.

I make breakfast and sit by the window as I eat. I’m still debating what I should tell Aoi about last night but in the end, I remember that I should at least check with him that Ruki is allowed to attend his party.

[Hi, boyfriend.] I type out, grinning that I can finally call him that. [Would it be all right for Ruki to come to your party? He’s really excited to be making the drinks after I told him last night. Love Uruha] I pressed send before I realised what I had written. I’d told him I loved him by text, but I ended most of my messages that way and hadn’t been thinking. Well it wasn’t a lie, Aoi could make what he wanted of that. Just like the fact Ruki had been here last night. What was he going to think? I knew what I would have thought but Aoi has more faith in me than I do.

[Ruki can come.] Came Aoi’s reply. It told me nothing of how he felt on the matter. Was he thinking that I wanted a friend for moral support around a group of strangers, something I had never needed before? Maybe he just believed what I told him without question.

[Thanks. He’s sleeping off a hangover at my place right now. Nothing happened, I just…] Damn it! I pressed send instead of delete. My rambling message has gone to him and I didn’t finish what I had wanted to say. Embarrassed I wait for his response as I finish of my breakfast.

[Are you worried I’d be upset your friend stayed over? It’s not like he’s in your bed. You need to stop worrying about silly things.] Aoi replied. I have to tell him, before I lose my nerve. I begin to text but I can’t do that to him. I phone him instead, counting three rings before he picks up.

“Really Uruha, I’m not concerned.” Aoi answers the phone.

“He’s in my bed,” I get out quickly. “When I went to sleep, he was in the guest room but I woke up with him with me. It doesn’t mean anything. He’s just my friend but we have slept together in the past a few times. I just wanted you to know everything because I promised myself I was going to be honest and I don’t want you to ever find out by accident and get the wrong idea and honestly Aoi, he’s just my friend and…”

“Uruha! It’s ok,” Aoi interrupted my panicked confession. I should have felt calmer but I look up to see Ruki has woken up and is watching me with mild amusement. I gesture at him to leave me alone and he wanders into the bathroom, smirking as he goes. I don’t have time to wonder what he’s thinking, I’m just too worried about Aoi’s reaction. “I know you wouldn’t do anything with him. I mean, you don’t do it with me and I’m your boyfriend.”

“Does that make you think less of me?” I ask. “That I won’t do anything yet. Maybe you think I’m a prude? I don’t know if slut or prude is worse.”

“I think you’re healing from addiction and need time,” Aoi said, his tone gentle and reassuring. “I think you overthink everything, bring yourself to frightened panic as you wonder what everyone else is thinking about you. Instead, you should be only thinking about your own judgement.”

“That I’m a slut?” I ask him. Aoi knows well how I feel.

“That Uruha is a man who has never slept with anyone,” I remind him. “Drunken Kouyou did all that.”

“I know we try to separate our past but it’s still part of us,” I tell him. “I’m scared that I’ll go into my old habits the moment I go back to work. The drinking I mean. I know I won’t want to, that I’m being good, but it won’t be easy for me.”

“You won’t drink, I have faith in you. As for the sec, have you ever thought that you just have a high libido?” Aoi asked, “That you just love sex and want lots of it? If it was all exclusively with me and you had as much as you had before, would you consider it a problem?”

“No.” I answer after a little thought. A high libido, I just loved sex, Aoi’s words were wakening ideas I had never had before. “I think you’re mostly right. That doesn’t change that I slept with people to get my own way but it does help.”

“Of course I’m right, this is me you’re speaking to.” Aoi bragged. I laughed at his ego, I’m not sure it isn’t just faked for my amusement. We talk a little while longer, until Ruki has finished with his shower and I decide it’s time to say goodbye. Nobody makes me as calm as Aoi but nobody makes me panic just as badly either.

**~Aoi~**

I was excited for my party, especially as it was a means for me to show off my new boyfriend to all my closest friends. I wanted to treat Uruha like a prize I had won, keep him by my side and parade my model boyfriend for the world to see. I wondered how Uruha would feel like being treated as my personal conquest? I was being silly of course, I would never do that to any man I was dating, but that didn’t stop me feeling immensely pleased when I saw just as sexy he was tonight. Those shorts that revealed such beautiful thighs, I had to force my eyes to look back up to his face, where I saw the familiar signs that he was about to break down.

“You look amazing,” I tell him, wrapping him in a hug. “What’s wrong?”

“I should change. Your friends will think I’m easy because I’m in shorts, or a snob for coming in designer clothes. I shouldn’t have worn this.”

“Don’t be silly,” Kai scolded him, “It’s a hot day and you’re dressed for the weather.”

“You think?” Uruha asked. I think we were both pleased that the judgement had come from Kai and not myself, Kai had a lot less reason to be biased than I was. “I’m early, aren’t I?”

“By about half an hour.” I tease him. “This is Youko, she’s Kai’s friend and came to help in the kitchen. Kai’s made a bunch of appetisers and sides but we were going to order the pizza. Do you want to have a look at the menus with us?”

“All right.” Uruha agrees, happily sitting on the floor to look through a few of the leaflets.

“That one has weird sauce, we don’t like it,” I tell him gently. “That’s the reject pile.”

“Aoi was most insistent that we order only the very best.” Kai said, making Uruha smile. I head over to the sofa to look through the menus once more, my eyes frequently returning to Uruha in his beautiful outfit. I have some idea of what lies beneath those clothes now but I try not to fantasise about him too much.

“Well obviously we want the best,” Uruha agreed. Excitedly chatting about the best toppings to order with Kai and Youko. I leave the three of them to it as I go to my bedroom to get ready for my own party. These jeans aren’t going to cut it, I decide as I pull out a pair of tighter fitting black trousers to wear instead. The shirt Uruha gave me doesn’t quite go with the outfit though, I think as I place this on my bed. What to do, what would please him more? I’m just thinking about pizza stains on the expensive shirt when Uruha enters my room. “We picked the pizza.”

“You were like a child making their Christmas wish list,” I tease him. “This shirt may get ruined, I don’t know if I should wear it.”

“It doesn’t match those trousers,” Uruha declared, taking the shirt from me and putting it back in my wardrobe. I watch as he goes through my clothes as I pull off my jeans and reach for the trousers. “How about this…” Uruha suggests, freezing as he finds me in just my underwear.

“I’m just getting changed,” I reassure him but I don’t think that’s what he’s thinking. Confidentially Uruha approaches me, pulling me towards him in a desperate kiss. “Like what you see?”

“Yes, very much so.” Uruha says, the lust in his tone unmistakable. I could seduce him right now, have him in my bed and I don’t think he would mind, but there’s a party in less than twenty minutes and I really don’t want our first time to be rushed. I promised him I would be there, that he wasn’t just going to be someone I used for sex.

“Well I need to get dressed.” I say gently, the words I don’t want to say but know I have to. Uruha seems to share my reluctance as he helps me out of the t-shirt and appreciates my body in just my underwear for longer than he really should have. We kiss again, our bodies pressed close together. I’m half tempted to tell him to forget the party but then Kai calls me to ask about how many pizzas I should order and I pull myself away from Uruha as I answer.

The doorbell rings a moment later and when it’s revealed that Ruki had come early to start some of his drinks, Uruha gives me a quick kiss before going to join his friend. I have to be honest, I’m more than jealous of Uruha’s friend. I didn’t like that they had a past at all, or that Ruki had gotten into Uruha’s bed during the night, but I also knew Ruki was the only friend Uruha had that he truly trusted. I couldn’t deny him that friendship, all I could do was trust my boyfriend wouldn’t do anything with Ruki that I would object to.

I get dressed in the outfit Uruha helped me pick out and go to join them, actually impressed with how confident Ruki is mixing these drinks. He’d learnt how to make these cocktails because Uruha had a problem, because he still wanted to enjoy drinking with his friend.

I greet Ruki politely, wrapping my arm around Uruha’s waist as he talk to each other. It’s not long before my own guests begin to arrive, ironic how Kai and Uruha’s guests had beaten mine, and I greet each one happily. There’s not many of us here but the small apartment is already quite full.

A couple of the girls keep checking Ruki out, clearly liking what they see and I don’t blame them. Ruki is handsome and his short height adds a certain cuteness to him. They’re liking Uruha to but they know he’s gay after I introduce him as my boyfriend.

I keep Uruha by myside when I can but I’m frequently called over by friends who want to talk to me. It’s lucky he had invited Ruki, I decide as I glance across the room and find Uruha chatting with just his fellow model. I wondered if he would be lonely without him but then as a few people go up to talk to them I realise Uruha is friendly enough to handle social situations just fine. He seems to be in his element even.

I manage to join them again, listening to their stories about their jobs with genuine interest. I hadn’t asked Uruha much about modelling and I was beginning to regret it. It was such a large part of his life and I hadn’t even shown much interest.

“That was when I first met Uruha,” Ruki said towards the end of one of his stories. “The camera man knew we were both gay and brought us together. He thought being gay would automatically mean we would get along. I guess he was right this time.”

“I’m not so sure,” Uruha said. “I think you’re...” He began to insult his friend, distracted when the pizza arrived. With a grin he went to get the pizza, making me wonder if he actually was happier about the food than spending time with me. I wasn’t upset or jealous, just observant.

There was a shortage of seats, so Uruha and I sat on the floor side by side to eat. He ate more than me, something I hadn’t expected, but he had admitted he didn’t eat pizza that often.

“I wonder if I’m dating a child? You pretty much inhaled that pizza.” I teased him, regretting the words as Uruha’s smile faded.

“You think I’m greedy?” Uruha asked. I noticed Ruki looking over when Uruha said that, ready to defend his friend.

“I think we need to let you have pizza more often,” I correct him. “There’s plenty left. You can have some more?”

“I’m full,” Uruha admitted. He’d been nibbling at Kai’s appetizers for the last hour and had tried all the sides. He loved Kai’s cooking as much as the pizza, something I was in agreement with. I smile as he rests his head against my shoulder, his turn to make it clear we’re very much a couple. When I glance back to Ruki, he’s gone to make some more drinks and seems no longer interested in us.

Suddenly the room goes silent and I look up surprised to find Kai approaching with a gift bag for me. My friends had brought me a present? I hadn’t expected that at all but it seems Uruha was in on this as he is smiling expectedly as he watches me.

“We just wanted to say how happy we are you found this job, how proud we are for going so long without drinking.” Kai explains. I’ve never felt so supported by my friends in my life. Humbled I accept the gift bag, smiling as I found a stuffed toy in the shape of a strawberry inside. There’s a fridge magnet too decorated with a cartoon stem of broccoli and a couple of other greengrocer related novelty items. I thank my friends but I know that it was Kai who arranged this. All of these gifts are things he would pick out.

“Well anyway,” I finish my little thank you speech, “As we all know I’m going to be the best shop worker in the whole world. They will probably make a film about it even. I wonder if anyone is hot enough to take on the role of me?”

“A troll might be.” One of my friends tease me. We all laugh and once again the party breaks into small groups of people talking. I’ve never had such a good time at a party, which is surprising as not a drop of alcohol was involved.

“Here’s my gift.” Uruha said, placing his lips on mine. The kiss is quick and gentle but it’s our first public kiss. I guess Uruha wanted to place his claim on me just as much as I had wanted to place my claim on him.


	8. Chapter 8

**~Uruha~**

I was so busy helping clear up that I didn’t realise how late it had gotten. Ruki had left almost an hour ago with a vague reason that I knew meant he was probably going on a date with someone he knew I wouldn’t approve of. I’d been in the middle of a conversation with Kai at the time so hadn’t been able to question him on the matter. His departure had however made me notice that Aoi was watching me with an expression I couldn’t read.

More guests had left and soon it was just Kai and his friend Youko, Aoi and myself left. We had begun to clean up together and afterwards I had fallen onto the sofa with Aoi, both of us exhausted.

“You can stay the night, if you want?” Aoi suggested as Kai left to give Youko a lift home. “I’m not implying anything by that, just wanting you to know it was an option.”

“You want my ass, you’ve been staring at it all night.” I answer, though I’m far from angry. I quite like knowing that I have this affect on him.

“If you’re offering?” Aoi said, I wonder if he wanted a reaction from me.

“I’ll let you look.” I decide, taking him by the hand and leading him to his own bedroom. I wonder how long Kai will be gone but decide I don’t care. We’re not going to have sex but some other things, I know I want that.

I strip for him, entirely naked, before going to lie on the bed beneath his watchful gaze. I’m on my stomach, hiding what he had only seen for a moment, but even this keeps Aoi entranced by me.

“I’m going to touch,” Aoi warned and before I can decide if I’m ok with that, his hands are on my shoulders and moving down my back. I moan softly beneath his touch, surprised Aoi knows how to massage so well. “You’re tense.”

“I am not!” I protest. I’m actually perfectly relaxed right now. I had chosen to show Aoi my body like this. I wasn’t afraid of the consequences because Aoi would stop if I asked. At least I hoped he would.

“I can feel it in your shoulders.” Aoi commented as he continued to caress my skin. I didn’t say anything, not sure if I accepted his evaluation. Tenderly his hands began to work lower, moving down my back, onto my thighs and then back up to my ass. I’ve been spanked before, it was quite kinky actually, and I’ve had men grip onto my ass during sex but I couldn’t think of a time when a man had tried to massage me there.

I roll over at his command, allowing his hands to run over my chest, teasing my nipples that have become as hard as my penis. I realise how aroused I am, wondering if I should try to hide this but Aoi has already seen.

“Kai will be gone awhile, he usually has coffee with Youko when he drops her off,” Aoi explains as his hands creep lower. “Will you let me touch you? With my hands? With my mouth? I want to worship you completely tonight. You don’t need to do anything in return.”

“Yes.” I say, my mind screaming no. I am just a whore, giving my body away again, allowing another man to touch me. Allowing Aoi to run his hand over my cock as if it’s the most precious thing he’s ever touched. It feels so good and he’s not some man who found me in a club. He’s my boyfriend and I wanted to move our relationship onto the next level. Didn’t I?

A tongue darts out, running up my arousal from base to tip and I’ve lost my mental fight. I want this and I won’t stop him. With a quiet moan I relax, watching as Aoi’s tongue pleases me. It occurs to me how rare it was for a man to wanted to perform oral sex on me. Sometimes after they had used me, Ruki in the right mood, but never just for my pleasure alone. The reverse, where I had performed this act, was more often than I cared to admit.

Slowly, teasing me as he likes to do, Aoi moved his mouth down over the tip of my arousal. His tongue darts over the slit and I can’t help but moan in pleasure. Aoi looks like he loves doing this to me, which in itself is a sight to behold. I can’t shut my eyes, I need to watch as his mouth slowly takes in more. I moan again, trying to stay quiet though I’m not so sure why I bothered. Nobody was in the apartment to hear. The mouth moves lower and lower until he’s deepthroating me and my moans are almost constant. There’s nothing but my arousal now, the delight of having another man bringing my desire to completion.

The pleasure builds and builds inside me and then I find myself coming hard. I’m too overwhelmed to know if Aoi swallowed, if my cum went in his mouth at all, I just lie there grinning like a fool as I feel Aoi move away from me. It’s then that I take notice of the bulge in his tight trousers and I want to help him feel what I just have.

“Look at the state of you.” I tease him, slipping off the bed and wrapping my arms around him from behind. He leans back against me, allowing me to release his cock and accepting that for now I can only offer him my hands. He twists around a little so we can kiss as I pleasure him, his moans muffled against my lips. This is what it means to have a boyfriend who cares for you, I think as my hand works over his length. This isn’t about getting something from him, isn’t about my pleasure, it’s about making him happy. I think that’s why I wasn’t thinking of myself as a slut or a whore as I did this for him.

He came with a low moan, my hand catching as much cum as I could to not make a mess. Even then, there’s cum threatening to drip through my fingers. I stare at the warm mess a little stunned, but Aoi is already leading me to the bathroom and I get into the shower to wash. He soon joins me, kissing as the warm water pours over us. I admire his naked body as we help each other to wash. We’ve both had orgasms tonight and we’re tired, I think that’s the only reason neither of became hard again.

It took some time for us to get ready for bed. We both had long hair and needed to take turns with the hair dryer, Aoi had to find a spare toothbrush for me to use, I think he stole it from Kai in the end. Kai returned just as I was about to slip into bed. To my surprise he knocked on Aoi’s door, entering with Aoi’s permission and I wondered what he must think of me here, wearing nothing but a pair of pyjama bottoms that Aoi had leant me.

“Aoi, oh hi Uruha,” Kai said surprised to see me, “I was just saying goodnight.”

“Goodnight Kai.” Aoi said politely, his friend leaving us alone.

“Did he want something?” I whisper.

“To gossip. I think.” Aoi admitted.

“What does he think of me here?” I ask. Does he know what we did? Does he think we did more?

“That my boyfriend has decided to stay over.” Aoi answered simply. I stare at him in horror but then Aoi is telling me to get in bed, which I do without argument. I lay there in his arms for a long time, well after he went to sleep, wondering if staying here was a mistake. I decide in the end that it wasn’t anything to be concerned about. I had enjoyed myself and Aoi was still here, holding me gently as he slept. I was his boyfriend and this was all part of that. Another man may have just given Aoi more than what I had offered, it occurred to me, but before I could worry about that I had drifted off into sleep.

~Aoi~

Uruha didn’t stay long in the morning, he had plans with his sister and I didn’t want to get in his way. My last boyfriend had told me I was too possessive, I didn’t think so but if Uruha began to think that of me, he really would run a mile. I was still stunned that he had allowed me to go so far with him the night before. We hadn’t even had sex but it was still one of my most cherished sexual encounters. What would it be like to go all the way with him? If anything, I wanted Uruha even more than I had done before.

“So?” Kai asked after I returned to the apartment after walking Uruha down to his car. I knew exactly what he wanted to know of course but I played innocent.

“So what?” I ask him casually. I noticed a plate we had missed the night before, so took this to the kitchen with Kai following after me.

“You know what I’m asking.” Kai replied.

“You’re being nosy.” I scold him, placing the plate in the sink to be washed later.

“I’m allowed to be nosy.” Kai reminded me. I had told him that, hadn’t I? When he had agreed to help me with my problem, when he had said I could still live here, I had let him have full knowledge of what was going on in my life.

“He just slept over,” I tell him. “We kissed, touched a little, he told me I was the sexiest man alive.”

“You’re lying, about that last part at least,” Kai accused me. “I’d say Uruha was hotter than you were.”

“Now who’s lying?” I challenge him. “Anyway, what did you want last night?”

“To ask you about Ruki,” Kai admitted. “I don’t know how to ask this but does he and Uruha have a past?”

“You saw it too,” I realised. “The way Ruki looks at Uruha?”

“That man has a serious crush on his best friend.” Kai said, his words echoing my own concerns.

“They have a past,” I admit to Kai, not going into details. “Uruha told me some things himself, things he didn’t have to tell me at all. That’s the moment when I knew I could trust him.”

“Of course, I’m not saying Uruha would cheat on you, I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I just wanted you to be aware of the situation.”

“You think Ruki will try something underhand to get between us?” I ask.

“I didn’t say that,” Kai answered. “He seemed pleasant enough.”

“Well you know, Ruki doesn’t let him eat pizza when it’s just the two of them and Uruha really loves pizza.”

“Are you competing with Ruki now?” Kai asked. I smile at him, my self-confident smile that shows I already know how great I am.

“Of course not, I’ve already won.”

I wasn’t used to getting up early so it was a bit of a shock to be standing on the street before first light, waiting for Reita to arrive and open up the shop. I stifled a yawn, glad he wasn’t there to see it and get the wrong impression. Not many people were about this early, except there were lights on at a bakery across the road and the steady flow of city traffic.

I wasn’t waiting long, Reita himself was almost as early as I was, and he smiled when he saw me waiting. I could tell he was sceptically wondering if I was sober but I didn’t get offended by his judgment.

“Here’s your apron,” Reita said as we entered the shop. It was still sealed in plastic, dark black with the store’s logo on the right-hand side. I put the apron on over the black jeans and plain coloured t-shirt Reita had asked me to wear and was shown to a back room where there was a set of small lockers against one wall, a table in the middle, and a kitchen counter with a sink, microwave and drink making facilities. I was handed a key and shown my locker to place my personal belongings and Reita left to the sounds of a buzzer at the back door. I placed my wallet and phone in the locker, having brought nothing else with me, and went to join Reita in the back. I didn’t need to be told that he wanted my help with the delivery, I just started working alongside him.

The first hour passed quickly, interrupted only by the arrival of Midori, who took her place at the cash register as the shop officially opened. She smiled at me and I gave her a brief nod as Reita began to explain the setting up procedure to me. It was simple enough, making sure everything was probably rotated by best before date, and he left me to it as he went in the back to do whatever manager duties he needed to do back there.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Midori asks, in a brief lull of customers.

“I do, his name is Uruha.” I tell her.

“You really are gay then,” Midori said, as if she had doubted my word before. “The last guy to do your job, he wouldn’t stop harassing me. I almost quit but Reita had the sense to ask some questions.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, I can assure you that Uruha wouldn’t be happy if I started flirting with you.” I promise her.

“Is he,” Midori began, but a customer had walked in so she turned to greet them instead. I caught Reita watching us, glad I had still been arranging some parsnips while I talked to her.

“Uruha?” Reita repeated my boyfriend’s name. “You seem quite fond of him.”

“I am.” I answer, asking him a couple of questions that I had about a few of the displays. Reita doesn’t stay out of the office long, giving me a few jobs to do when I finish my current task, but he seems quite content to let me work without his supervision. It helps that I had brought in a few deliveries for Kai when I had worked with him, I had a good idea what this job entailed before I started.

I take my break before Midori, sitting in the back room with a cup of coffee and answering messages from Kai, Uruha and a few friends who all want to know how my first day is going. As I’m about to finish and get back to work, Reita comes in to get a drink of his own.

“How are you getting on?” Reita asks me with a smile. “The customers seem to like you. At least, my friend who I sent in to check how you handled questions was most impressed.”

“You sent in a secret shopper!” I exclaimed, knowing exactly who Reita meant. There had been a young man I had helped find the ingredients for a recipe he was making who hadn’t seemed to know anything at all. I had just assumed he had been ignorant, now I realise I was being tested.

“I always do when I hire new staff,” Reita confessed. “Midori likes you too.”

“She seems nice.” I admit. Reita stays with me a little longer, asking me some basic questions and then once again I’m alone. I return to work with a smile, realising how happy I am to be working again. The job of course is kind of boring but I like meeting the customers and the time flies when I’m busy like this. Whenever there is a lull, Midori talks to me about whatever is on her mind. I end up telling her how I met Uruha, the false story not the truth, what he looks like, how we met. In return she tells me about her hobbies, drawing and dancing, and her struggle to find a good man.

Occasionally Reita came out of the office but I no longer think he’s checking up on me. I’ve passed his tests and as long as I keep coming in sober and happy to work, I have no concerns that I will get to keep this job for a long time.

I’m honestly beginning to wonder if this day can get any better, when towards the end of my shift a rather expensive car pulls up and waits, illegally, outside the shop for me. Now I’m eager to leave but I’m patient and even take the time to say goodbye to Reita and Midori before I hurry out to accept my lift.

“Uruha! What are you doing here?” I ask, giving him a kiss before he switches the car’s engine back on.

“I’m kidnapping you, of course.” Uruha answers with a smile. Kidnapping me? I’m rather excited to find out what he has in store for me.


	9. Chapter 9

**~Uruha~**

I had expected Aoi to demand an explanation for the kidnapping but he seemed quite content to sit back and watch out of the window as we left the shop behind us. Nervously I studied his expression at the first set of red traffic lights to find that he was smiling.

“Usually the person who was kidnapped puts up a fuss.” I remark, waiting for the lights to change.

“Too sleepy,” Aoi answered. He did seem tired. It was lucky I hadn’t planned anything that would tire him out anymore. “But I don’t think you’re taking me to my bed. Yours?”

“Be good, you’re too sleepy for such talk,” I answer. “Ask me why I’m kidnapping you.”

“Why are you kidnapping me?” Aoi asked. He was being no fun, I wanted him to act the part, but he seemed more curious than anything else. Just tired, I remind myself as the lights change and I begin to drive again.

“Because I’m going to take you to my home and force you to eat my cooking. There’s nothing you can do to stop me!” I declare, locking the car doors to make my point though he can easily unlock his door from inside the car.

“That sounds more like a date than a kidnapping.” Aoi commented, the sure sign that he’s never eaten anything that I’ve made.

“Well there’s a good chance that my meal may just go horribly wrong. Ruki won’t even eat my food anymore. My sister will only eat what I cook if she helped make it. I have another sister, she always insists I visit her or we eat out,” I explain. “But I know this time will be different.”

“Because you have a new victim?” Aoi asked. “Am I playing Russian roulette eating my lunch?”

“I don’t think so,” I reassure him. “Kai gave me the recipe. I don’t know how I could get it wrong.” 

“You’re competing with Kai then?” Aoi asked. “How did you get his number anyway?”

“I went to his restaurant to look for him, you’re right, that bar is dangerous but my thoughts were only on treating you. Mostly. Just a little… not at all.” I was only telling Aoi half of it. I had been moments away from ordering a drink when Kai had come out of the kitchen. I don’t think he realised I was about to head to the bar but he guided me away from it anyway. He was busy that morning, preparing some outside catering for a hundred guests on top of the quiet Monday lunch orders, yet he hadn’t complained when I made my request. Writing out the recipe for me though he didn’t have to do anything of the sort. I’d never realised dating Aoi would bring a man like Kai in my life, he certainly was the most pleasant of perks.

“If you want, I can ask Kai to blacklist you from ordering alcohol?” Aoi asked. “He did that to me, even though I’m his best friend. Because I’m his best friend.”

“I don’t think I’ll be visiting often.” I admit. It’s not that I don’t like Kai, or don’t like his food, it’s just I don’t think I’m quite ready for eating out at the moment. This morning certainly showed how unprepared I actually was. I explain this to Aoi, admitting a few other close encounters to him and surprisingly he seems to relate to each one. I guess he doesn’t have the mental resolve I thought he did, it’s rather comforting to know that in this weakness I am not alone. “I should have blindfolded you.” I realise as I turn onto the road where my apartment building is located. I wonder if he wanted to turn that into a sex joke, there’s a pause before he answers. Whatever he was going to say, he decided against it.

“So that I couldn’t see you?” Aoi asked, trying to sound hurt. “How can I admire your sexy body if I can’t see it?”

“With your hands and… actually, let’s not go there just yet,” I correct myself. Had I almost told him my fantasies of him? That would have been a mistake. He already thought I was hot and cold in my affection, though I was hoping he now saw it as hot and lukewarm. I didn’t want to lead him on but flirting was in my nature and holding back was new to me. In a way it would be easier if I just gave him everything but as much as I wanted that, as much as Aoi promised me that it would be an act of love, I knew that I wouldn’t forgive myself if I did. “Besides, why should I care if you can stare at me or not?”

“If I can’t see you, I’ll just have to imagine you. Naked and horny and doing all the kinky thinks even the old you wouldn’t have done.” Aoi threatened. I laugh at his words as I pull into the carpark and park my car, suspecting that he already does this when I’m not around.

“You think there was anything I didn’t do?” I ask him, smiling innocently as I step out of the car. Aoi tries to follow, figuring out how to unlock the car door a moment later, and finally gets out of the car. He’s looking around the carpark, admiring quite a few of my neighbour’s cars with an uncertainty that isn’t like him. I wonder if he feels intimidated by this display of wealth?

I take his hand as one of my neighbours enters the carpark. This man hates me and stares daggers at our joined hands. Homophobic jerk reported me seven times to building management already but I’ve never done anything wrong so I pretend I don’t care. Aoi kisses me tenderly. A long, slow kiss that claims my lips with his. He’s figured out my neighbour then, I think rather smugly as we finally part and see the man getting into his car with a look of disgust across his face.

“It’s fun annoying men like him.” Aoi whispers to me. I grin and give him a nod before we head for the lifts. I press the button for my floor, checking us out in the mirror. We’re a nice-looking couple, I think as I study our reflection. Aoi’s dark hair contrasts nicely against my blond, our heights whilst different close enough to not look strange. His simple black jeans and t-shirt is an almost timeless look, matching my grey jeans and purple t-shop as if we both planned our outfits together that morning. It was nothing but a coincidence.

“He’ll probably try and get me kicked out of the apartment again,” I tell Aoi. “But the building management are well aware my only real crime in his eyes is having two many gay men in the building. They sent me a letter, advising me to limit my guests, but that’s not an issue anymore. I ignored the letter anyway.”

“Why does he dislike you so much?” Aoi asked. “The gay thing, yes, but that seems a little extreme.”

“I bring down the tone of the building,” I answer, as the lift doors open into a small hall. I think Aoi has figured out that this penthouse is mine, he’s watching as I unlock the door on the other side in shock. “Or he may just be jealous that I got the penthouse first.” “You own an entire floor?” Aoi gasped, staring in wonder as he followed me into my apartment. He doesn’t know what to look at first, my TV that would have took up half his living room wall, the ornate vase full of lilies on the table, the modern kitchen that looked into my conservatory. Everything I’m own screams of my wealth. Ruki barely notices it but when Aoi is looking I begin to feel a little embarrassed.

“I’m a very successful model,” I explain gently. “I should be, I slept my way to the top.”

**~Aoi~**

“The very top,” I agree with him, not needing to correct Uruha’s assessment of his situation. Drinking brought me to rock bottom but for Uruha it’s not like that at all. Drinking helped his career in a way, it gave him the confidence to go out and take what he desired and now look at everything he had gotten from it. If I didn’t know how much Uruha despised his past, I’d wonder why he was even giving the drink up. I wander into his living room and approach the wall opposite his insane home cinema set up, appreciating the artistic impressions of my boyfriend that had been placed there. “And they say I have an ego?”

“That was my first photo shoot for a big-name brand, the point I knew I had made it,” Uruha explained. “You think it makes me look egotistical?”

“I think it makes you look beautiful.” I correct, placing a kiss on Uruha who steps back only a few moments later.

“I’ve prepared the lasagne but it needs to cook, I won’t be long.” Uruha said, hurrying towards his kitchen that opens into the living room. Rather taken back by it all, I slowly make my way around the room, admiring one object after another as if this was some kind of museum. Uruha had said the shirt he had bought me was cheap, from his perspective it probably had been.

What was I doing here anyway? I was just an alcoholic that worked in a greengrocer, what did Uruha even see in me? It wasn’t like me to concern myself about such things. I was tired though, maybe that was where the self-doubt was coming from?

“It’s cooking now,” Uruha explained as he took me by the hand and lead me to sit with him on the sofa. “Is something wrong?”

“Just thinking about how out of my league you are,” I confess. “Why do you even want to date me anyway?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Uruha asked, smiling rather seductively at me before he realised I needed a real answer. “Well I agreed to our first date because it seemed so innocent. You were there, risking your pride to ask me out. I would have run from anybody else. You though, your motives seemed genuine. You didn’t even know who I was, I find that refreshing. You see me as I am, without a pre-perceived idea of who Kouyou is. You didn’t know the rumours that went around about me. To you, I was just an attractive man that you felt you could relate to. On that date I learnt how sweet and funny you were. Does that help?”

“I guess so,” I answer. I hadn’t expected such an open and honest answer from him. “You didn’t mention how irresistibly sexy I am.”

“Well I do resist you, so you’re not irresistible, are you?” Uruha challenged me. Point taken.

“What a burn,” I exclaim in mock horror. “You’re too cruel.”

“Well you asked me out because I was hot, right?” Uruha asked. What could I say, I couldn’t give an answer as sweet as Uruha’s had been. It had been raw attraction.

“I decided to ask you out because you were hot, yes,” I confess. “I had all these ideas about you, you looked like a prince to me. But then when you spoke at your second meeting I…”

“You thought I was a prince?” Uruha interrupted. “You mean you knew I had money before you asked me out?”

“I knew you wore nice clothes,” I say carefully. I think I’ve said something wrong but Uruha can be unpredictable and I don’t know exactly what I have said that would have upset him. “Is it wrong to think that?”

“No,” Uruha said after a long moment’s thought. “It’s just when I first told Ruki about you, he suggested that you may be after my money. I told him he was wrong and then when he met you, I think he changed his mind.”

“Did you change yours?” I ask him gently.

“I never believed him.” Uruha said, I wondered if he was lying to me and decided he probably was. He had been jumpy at my confession of how I saw him. I wondered if he had been convinced that I only wanted him for material gains?

“There’s nothing I can say to convince you that that’s not why I’m dating you,” I tell him. “I could say I just wanted your body, but that would go down even worse and it’s not true either. I want… I wanted to protect you. That’s what I thought when I first saw you. You were new to the meetings, with the same disbelief that you were even there, that I had when I first attended. I wanted to be there for you, someone to support you. Someone that I could call my own and…”

“You tried to refuse my gift, you said I had spent too much, that’s all the proof I need.” Uruha stopped me. He was smiling and I knew whilst he had once had doubts, they didn’t exist anymore. He kissed me this time, a tender loving kiss that grew in passion as we sat together on the sofa. He pushed me back against the soft fabric, as he straddled my body and kissed me some more. I felt his hand slip up beneath my t-shirt, teasing my nipples, making me desperate for him in ways I had never been before. I held onto his ass, not roughly but firm enough for him to know I was serious about this. My body was becoming hard in response to his own arousal and whilst part of me was warning me to be careful, he was entirely in charge right now and all I could do was follow.

The oven timer made us both jump, Uruha slowly sitting up on top of me with a sheepish smile. Neither of us was in the mood to eat right now, not actual food anyway, but Uruha gets off me and goes to check on his lasagne without hesitating. I hear him call from the kitchen, excited that it’s not burnt, and I go to join him.

I have to admit, it doesn’t look like something Kai would have made. There’s some dried-up sheets poking up through the top layer of sauce, browned at the edges, and the meat layers I can tell through the glass dish have too much liquid.

“It smells amazing.” I confess, the only compliment I honestly have of the dish. I wonder if I was being picky, not everyone cooks like Kai does.

“It will be,” Uruha promises, as he places the meal to one side and goes to cut some fresh bread. “Can you get the salad from the fridge for me?”

“Of course.” I answer. I try to calm my emotions down, my almost hard erection distracting me just a little. As we sit down to eat in the conservatory, the aroma of food makes me forget thoughts of anything else. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, having planned to get something from the bakery after work, and the lasagne was beginning to look just as good as Kai’s. I wanted to just dig in, but Uruha was lighting some candles and serving grape juice in wine glasses for us before he would consider even sitting down.

“Do you think I’d make a good wife?” Uruha asked as he finally sat down and began serving the food.

“Perhaps, but I’m not looking for a wife.” I answer. He grins at that, placing my food before me and encouraging me to try it. I take a bite of what should be the most delicious of food. It’s the thought that counts, right? I’m hungry and anything would taste good right now, but this, this food is hard to even swallow.

“Well?” Uruha asked hopefully. I’m supposed to compliment him, make him feel good, but there’s no saving this dish.

“Why is this layer of meat so salty but the one below is pretty bland?” I ask him. This isn’t Kai’s recipe, whatever Uruha has done to it should be a crime.

“Well I realised I forgot the salt, so I added some to that layer to make up for it.” Uruha explained. He seems hurt but as he tries the lasagne himself his forced smile breaks entirely. “It’s inedible.”

“Maybe if we just mix it up on our plates?” I suggest, trying to do just that but Uruha takes the plate from me.

“Don’t eat it!” Uruha exclaimed. “I’ll make you sick! I’m so sorry.”

“Uruha, it’s fine.” I try to reason with him, but the lasagne is already on its way to be thrown out. Uruha returns defeated, silently placing some takeout menus in front of me and my hearts breaks for him.

“I would have eaten that,” I tell him, wrapping him in a comforting hug. “You went to so much effort.”

“I did warn you that eating my food was like Russian roulette.” Uruha reminded me. He did warn me and now I truly understood why.


	10. Chapter 10

**~Uruha~**

I’d accepted the risk that my cooking could bring but I was more than disappointed that this time it had gone so wrong. I was sure I couldn’t have competed with Kai’s cooking anyway but I had wanted to at least make Aoi something to eat after his first day of work. Now he was in my kitchen, looking in my fridge for something we could cook together. I had all but given up on this idea but Aoi thought that cooking together was for the best.

“What’s this?” Aoi asked, pulling open a sealed container.

“The spare meat sauce,” I answer. “Honestly Aoi, let’s just order something in.”

“This is basically bolognaise sauce,” Aoi said, ignoring my protest. “Before or after you added the salt?”

“After,” I confess, watching Aoi place the meat to one side and pulling out some vegetables. “What are you doing?”

“If I add some more vegetables to this, then it should bring down the salt concentration and make enough for two,” Aoi explained. “Do you have any spaghetti?”

“Just dried, actually it may be pasta.” I admit, as I go to look through my cupboards. I find some tagliatelle, which was close enough and placed a pan on the hob to boil some water while Aoi salvaged what he could from my cooking. The smell of food filled the kitchen, reminding us both how hungry we were. I went to fetch some of the bread, offering Aoi a piece as he stirred the sauce he had made. It wasn’t quite bolognaise, there wasn’t enough meat to call it that, but it looked delicious. I had to admit that cooking together was better than just ordering yet another takeaway.

“You must be Aoi, has Uruha poisoned you yet?” My sister asked, making us both jump as we hadn’t heard her enter. She has the spare key to my apartment but I don’t remember locking the door.

“He tried death by salt.” Aoi said, clearly joking. I was a little sensitive about his judgement of my meal but I had half accused him of being a gold digger, so I guess we were even.

“A classic.” My sister said. She tries to chat to Aoi, clearly snooping on the boyfriend I told her I was having over.

“You know, we could have been having sex right there,” I tell her, pointing at my sofa. When she laughed, I glared at her. “You should leave.”

“Don’t be rude.” She scolded me. Annoyed I ask her to leave again, this time with a long drawn out please for good measure. “That had better be apple juice.” She warned as she went to investigate our drinks. Helplessly I looked at Aoi for help but he was too busy laughing at us.

“Aoi, you should back me up.” I sulk.

“You didn’t lock your door, did you?” Aoi teases me. “Honestly, I don’t mind that she’s here. I wanted to meet her.”

“Well not today.” I say, going to deal with my sister while he finishes the meal. She finally leaves us alone and this time I do lock the door, leaving the key in the lock so it can’t be unlocked from the other side. I love her dearly and know she was here just to check up on us recovering alcoholics but it was more than embarrassing that she had just walked in. We really could have been in a compromising position.

When I return, Aoi is placing the two plates on the table and we’re both so hungry that we begin eating without saying much at all. I didn’t realise just how hungry I was, or how well Aoi could cook, but I had eaten half the meal before I finally remember to ask what was on my mind.

“Did my sister bother you?” I ask.

“Not at all,” Aoi answered. “I thought it was sweet she checked up on you like that. Though as you put it, we could have been having sex?”

“Don’t get ideas!” I complain but Aoi is laughing at my reaction and I realise he never expected anything from me but an edible meal. I had failed at that, but then wasn’t this sauce half my work and I had boiled the pasta. “Fine then, have your ideas.”

“You think I haven’t already?” Aoi asked. Startled I look at him but then, we had been pretty intimate on that sofa, it wasn’t wrong for his mind to take things further than they had actually gone.

“What’s your favourite position?” I ask him, finally admitting defeat on this meal. I can’t eat another bite.

“Sexual?” Aoi asks, waiting for me to confirm with him before he answers. “I like to see my partner’s face, no matter what position, that’s what’s important to me. I’ll use mirrors if I have to but the way pleasure changes a man’s expression, I like to see it.”

“I don’t know if that’s not answering the question, or saying too much,” I scold him. “I’ll answer in a similar fashion then. I like to have a man take control of my body, even if that means he is a little rough, I do like feeling at his mercy. Every so often though, I get in the mood where I’m the one who pins them down. I fill myself with their cock and ride them and… Aoi?”

“You’re too much,” Aoi said. “But the images you’re putting in my head, I like them.”

“I’m sorry, I’m a tease,” I apologise, gently moving my foot up his leg. “I take you to my home, I tell you these things with no intention of allowing you to do them. Is that worse than salt poisoning?”

“It’s cruelty on the highest level.” Aoi said. It’s the answer I wanted from him because whilst I meant what I said, there were things I was prepared to do. Slowly, one by one, I blew out the candles and then took him by the hand.

“Remember, I did kidnap you with nothing but wicked intentions.” I remind him. I take him to my bedroom and push him down onto the bed. I want this man, more than anything, and I’m very close to giving him everything. Close, but not quite.

“Are you sure?” Aoi asks but I ignore him, it’s not a protest, and slowly crawl onto the bed until he’s beneath me. Our lips join desperately, the tension that had been building up between us beginning to overflow. I feel his hands on my ass, pulling me down on top of him but all I care about are his lips against mine. There soft and warm, the lip ring he wears hard in comparison. I lightly take the ring between my teeth, pulling softly and making him moan for me. Our bodies grind together and all I can think is how wonderfully different doing this with Aoi is. How special he makes me feel. The confidence I have that even if I give him everything, he’ll still won’t get bored.

**~Aoi~**

This was exactly where I wanted to be, that very time I saw Uruha, but now I was actually in his bed I felt a little uneasy. He told me he liked it rough, only moments later saying that he had no intentions to allow me to do anything to him. I had been confused but as Uruha took the lead and kissed me with desperation, that I admit I hadn’t been expecting, I decided it was best for him to just do as he willed.

I was a willing victim of my merciless kidnapper, so I allowed him to kiss me. My body reacting just the way Uruha wanted it to. He was pressed against me, my arms holding him close as my hands clung to the warmth seeping through his clothes. His mouth moved to my neck, kissing me tenderly there as we both regained our lost breath.

“Did you want me to force myself on you?” I find myself asking. “Is that what you were hinting at? I’m sorry, I don’t know what you expect.”

“I expect you to be mine,” Uruha answered. “There’s no need to worry about dominating me. Not tonight. I kidnapped you. So play nice and maybe it will be worth the wait.”

“You’re always worth my wait.” I tell him, watching in admiration as Uruha tossed his t-shirt to one side and then helped me remove mine. He had a handsome chest, with the perfect amount of muscle tone to be sexy without going too far. He was probably aiming for a natural look for the cameras, the muscles gained from the illusion of hard work and not the countless hours he must surely spend in the gym. In contrast, my own chest was slim but lacked the definition I saw before me. I had never been intimidated by another man before and I honestly wasn’t intimidated now. I merely appreciated the effort Uruha went to keep up this appearance. That was the only reason why I mention this.

I appreciated his mouth even more. As his lips and tongue danced around each of my nipples in turn. He was worshiping me, as my eyes had worshipped him. I was the luckiest man in the world. There was no one else I would rather be with. Not if I could have anyone in the entire world. He’s handsome of course, he has the talent but it’s his pleasure at doing this that is blowing me away. Once he lets go of his fear of sleeping with me, he’s an entirely sexual being. He’s never been so beautiful.

His hands are on my jeans, releasing my arousal for his hands to stroke as they had done once before. I had thought I had remembered the softness of his touch, the way he made subtle changes to keep it exciting but my memory hadn’t done this act justice at all. His lips catch mine as I’m about to moan, his kiss tender but he moves away too soon. With a wink, he’s moving down the bed and then those lips are wrapped around my hard length and he gives me what is honestly the best blow-job of my life.

I woke up in the strange bed, taking a long moment to remember where I am. We’d started to watch a film in this very bed but the TV is off now and Uruha is no longer lying against me. I must have fallen asleep, the sound of him talking on the phone in the other room must have woken me up. Sleepily I sit up and rub my eyes. Should I get dressed? What time is it anyway?

I glance at my watch and it’s early evening. I must have slept only a couple of hours but it’s late enough for Kai to be worried. I find my phone in my jeans pocket, finding several missed calls and a text message from my roommate. I’m about to respond when it suddenly occurs to me that Uruha is talking to Kai right now. I can hear him reassuring Kai that I just fell asleep and nothing bad has happened. I hate worrying Kai but I’m more surprised that Kai has Uruha’s number. Perhaps they exchanged phone when Uruha visited him at the restaurant earlier today.

I pull my jeans back on over the underwear I am wearing and walk into the living room where Uruha is sat on his sofa talking to Kai on the phone. He smiles at me, before telling Kai that’s I’ve woken up. Like me he hasn’t bothered to get fully dressed so I admire that beautiful chest of his as I take the phone from him.

“Sorry mother, did I miss curfew?” I tease Kai. Uruha tries to stifle his laughter but I can tell he finds my words funny.

“You ignored my texts,” Kai answered. “What was I meant to think? I knew you were at Uruha’s though, so lucky for you I called him before I really became concerned. Was your first day at work so hard?”

“I was lifting a lot of heavy boxes and you know I’m not used to getting up early.” I explain. I have a habit of falling asleep after sex as well but I don’t need Kai to know everything that’s happened here. Uruha moves behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist as I do my best to reassure Kai that there really was nothing to worry about. Suddenly Uruha takes his phone back off me, promising Kai he’ll bring me home soon before ending the call.

“Sorry I fell asleep on you.” I apologise.

“Don’t be, it’s good that you were able to relax so completely,” Uruha answered. “I liked watching you sleep. That came out creepy, I’m sorry.”

“I think if you fall asleep with someone, it’s giving them consent to watch.” I reassure him. Uruha smiles at that, deciding that he agrees with me.

“Before you go home, do you want to eat the dessert I had for us? I promise, I bought it so it’s safe to eat.”

“Well if the packaging hasn’t been tampered with…” I tease him. Really, his cooking is awful but I’m kind of glad about that. Everyone should have flaws, especially Uruha who was doing so well at everything else.

I’m grinning as I return home. As promised, Uruha had given me a lift home and a tender kiss before we parted ways. I was more in love with him than ever and it must have shown, as Kai smiled at me as he sat on the sofa pretending not to be waiting for me.

“How was his cooking?” Kai asked after we exchanged a quick greeting.

“Awful. He totally butchered your recipe. I managed to make some kind of pasta sauce with the meat he had left over though, so it wasn’t a complete disaster,” I admit. “You’re still the number one cook in my life.”

“But I was so precise, he asked so many questions,” Kai said, truly stunned the meal hadn’t gone as planned. “I thought he may just make it as well as I did by his enthusiasm.” “He tried his best, that’s what matters,” I defended him. “Can you ban him from the bar at your restaurant? Black list him to. He admitted he almost gave in today.”

“He already is, I saw the way he was looking at the wines,” Kai answered. “Do you want to tell him, or should I?”

“I already told him I was going to ask you to do this.” I answer. I sit down beside him as he begins to ask about my first day at work, knowing that I won’t be able to go to bed for a little while. I’d made Kai worry about me, so it was only fair I told him as much about my day as I could. Once satisfied, Kai let me call it a night and I went to my bedroom feeling almost lonely. I missed Uruha’s presence already and it barely been an hour.

It occurred to me as I was getting ready to sleep that I may have just replaced one addiction with another. Was this level of an obsession over a man even healthy? Perhaps it was good I was working now, so as to not spend every waking moment with him, or wishing that I was by his side. I was a hopelessly addicted but at least this time I recognised the behaviour in myself and knew ways to keep my obsession under control.


	11. Chapter 11

**~Uruha~**

The worst thing about the suspension the agency had put on me was how boring being out of work had become. I was used to being busy, spending long days on set surrounded by people. Instead here I was at home, yet again wondering what I could do. The phone call couldn’t have come at a better time.

“Hello?” I say as I answer the phone, not even checking who was calling. It could be a cold caller for all I care. I’d keep them on the phone as long as possible just to help with this boredom.

“Kouyou darling, how are you doing?” The sugary voice of my agent comes through the line. The last time we spoke she was telling me how important it was I got better, though her words were as fake as they always were. She was thinking of her lost commission from my time out of work, weighed up against loosing me as one of her models permanently if I didn’t seek help.

“Mei?” I needlessly confirm. “I’ve been to some meetings, if that’s what you’re asking. I met a guy who’s helping me get over this.” There’s silence on the other end of the line, the last time we spoke I had ranted and raved at her about how I didn’t have a problem and that it was the client who had complained about me that was wrong. I had believed that, at the time.

“So, you’re sober right now?” She asked. Her false friendly tone not at all convincing. Not when I know her so well. I don’t know if Mei even likes me as a person but I don’t really care either way. She gets my clients and manages a few other things for me, that’s all she needs to do.

“I’m sober.” I reassure her. I realise that she’s about to offer me a job but even as bored as I am, the very idea of going back to the root cause of my problem terrifies me.

“Good,” Mei says before I am able to express anything of how I’m feeling right now. “I know you’re technically suspended, or on sick leave, whatever the bosses want to call it, but we really need you to come into work. One of our models let us down and I’ve been tasked with the job of finding a replacement. So, what do you say?”

“Who is the client?” I relent. It’s just having my photo taken, it can’t go that wrong, can it?

I guess you could call Mei pretty. She certainly attracts the attention of men, though she’s not as beautiful as the models she manages, she’s good with makeup and dresses well enough that a casual observer may just mistake her for one of them. It helps that she always has a plastic smile, which she’s wearing now as I enter the hotel where she’s not the only one waiting.

Mei explained what had happened before she called me. The model who was originally supposed to be here had called in sick twice for previous photo attempts and promptly fainted before any photos could take place today. I suspected I knew who the model was, for only a select few of us had the prestige needed to get away with cancelling on a client twice and still being offered the role. I also knew what the illness would be down to, not alcohol or drinks but an eating disorder.

Mei greeted me with what sounded genuine appreciation, that quickly became a list of questions about how I’d been keeping up with my personal grooming. As it was, I’d been working out more in my boredom and dating Aoi had made sure I hadn’t slacked in any way when it came to removing unwanted hair and keeping myself as perfectly blond as I liked.

“There’s a man in your life?” Mei guessed. “You seem happier.”

“Yes.” I confess. Not for her benefit but because the camera man knows me and is listening in and I’m sure he is thinking about taking me back to his home after we’re done. He had a nice thick cock, I remembered, but being well endowed had made him a lazy lover. His nose was slightly crooked too, I realised for the first time. I’d thought him quite handsome once but like Mei, it was more of an illusion than reality.

“You can tell me all about him while we do your makeup.” Mei tells me, as she leads me towards a man who I’ve surprisingly never met.

“Mei, are you here to keep me away from the bar?” I ask her quietly, the makeup artist at least pretends not to hear. “I promise, I’m being good and…”

“You’re not meant to be working at all,” Mei reminded me. “Our bosses agreed to me asking you, on the condition that I stay here. So Kouyou, I’m not going anywhere. So this man?”

“His name is Aoi.” I tell her, the makeup artist soon getting involved in my love life as well. As it happens, he once dated a man named Aoi as well, though it’s not the same guy at all. I like this man, who explains how he’s actually a volunteer right now as he’s still studying at beauty school. Like me, he’s been called in last minute to save this photo shoot from complete failure. When he’s done with my makeup, and styling my hair, I can’t help but stare at my reflection in the mirror. I’ve never looked so good. I don’t know if it’s the improvements to my health now I don’t drink, or how happy Aoi makes me, or perhaps it’s just his skill with a makeup brush, but I am simply stunning. I thank him with nothing but honestly, asking for his business card that I slip into my wallet just in case I ever need his services again.

A quick stop to change clothes and it’s time to take the pictures. I’m confident as I approach the people waiting for me. I know how desperate these people are to have me here. They’re breaking their own rules by calling me to the shoot. I smile at the camera man, who still doesn’t seem to have given up on having me sexually, and turn to the woman who appears to be in charge.

“So, what kind of look are we going for?” I ask her. I listen to her explanation of the kind of person they imagine would be wearing these clothes, not quite agreeing with her on the matter and ordinarily I wouldn’t challenge a client’s vision but I can’t help myself.

“Have you considered more of the boy next door kind of vibe?” I ask her, as she’s trying to sell the clothes as cool and edgy, which they’re not. “Like when you wear these clothes, no matter who you are, it makes you appealing to others? An innocent seducer?”

“That’s not quite the image that we’re going for,” She said. Normally I’d be thinking about alcohol or sex and didn’t actually care but I honestly want to help this woman. “Honestly, I’m not sure what you mean?”

“I’ll pose, have a look at the photos and if you don’t like them, we’ll do it your way.” I tell her. She accepts my terms, though Mei looks like if she could she’d be shouting at me right now. I smile at her in rebellion and stand before the camera. As I pose, I try and think of how Aoi sees me. He finds me sexy when I’m not really being sexy at all. An innocent smile, a confident look at something in the far distance. I remember the way Aoi sometimes teases his hair when he’s thinking, so I intimate it and suddenly the woman I spoke to before does get it and is suggesting tiny alterations.

The camera man is seduced, the makeup artist is looking at me opened mouthed, the women are entranced. I’m the sexiest man in the room right now, all eyes are on me and I’m loving all the attention I’m getting.

“Did you want to try some edgier photos?” I ask as the shoot appears to be over. She shakes her head and assures me that her bosses are going to love these photos.

“Kouyou!” The cameraman calls as I’m getting my things to leave. If I go now, I should easily be able to pick Aoi up again. I wasn’t planning to, I just want him to see how sexy I looked right now. I hope he doesn’t mind. “I was just wondering if…”

“You know I have a boyfriend.” I remind him with a pleasant smile. Honestly, he always was a bit of a jerk now I think about it, it felt good to reject him. Seeing the look of shock on his face made it even better.

**~Aoi~**

My second day at work was easier than the first, if only because I hadn’t felt nervous at all and was familiar with the routine. A routine that seemed to involve Uruha picking me up at the end of the day. He said he was working close by but wasn’t he supposed to be taking time off to recover, or however his bosses had put it? I didn’t want to be sceptical, though being sceptical did mean Uruha was making up reasons to come here. Now that was something I was more than pleased about.

I’d been smiling when I had come off my break and I had to explain to Midori the reason why I was so happy. She thought it was cute, Reita ordered me to tell Uruha to park around the back this time. It seemed my boyfriends illegal parking hadn’t gone unnoticed. That was why he entered through the staff door, earning a look from Reita that should have served as a warning but Uruha’s focus was entirely on me.

“Kouyou!” Midori practically screamed from behind the counter, stopping Reita’s comment mid-tracked. We all turned to look at her, Reita with shock, Uruha with a pleased smile and I don’t know what I was thinking at the time. If I had to guess, I’d say my expression would have been somewhere between the two. “Wait, is Uruha your real name then?”

“Uruha is a nickname.” Uruha explained, giving her a flattering smile. He was absolutely stunning dressed the way he was, perhaps he had been working then. Adding his beauty with Midori’s attention and the few customers in the store were turning to stare at him. There was a celebrity in our presence and Uruha seemed to be in his element. As he went to introduce himself to Midori, who seemed intent that he must come again to sign some photobook she had of him, Reita pulled me into the back office.

“I’m sorry, I’ll tell him not to come through the back. He must have misunderstood.” I apologised.

“A celebrity like him is bound to make such an assumption,” Reita remarked. “You seem surprised by Midori’s reaction?”

“I knew he was a model and that he was successful but I guess I never really thought of him as a celebrity,” I explain. “I mean, we’ve been to the cinema and around the shops and nobody has battered an eye.”

“Do you know anything else about him?” Reita asked, keeping his voice low. I sensed that he wanted to warn me about something, I didn’t like the concern I saw in his eyes. “You said you hadn’t been dating long?”

“You heard he was an alcoholic, didn’t you?” I ask, realising as I say it that Reita had no idea. “Or not. Please don’t say anything, he really wants to keep that quiet. We met at a meeting and… So yeah, I lied about that a little but that was for him and…”

“Aoi, it’s fine,” Reita said gently. “You’re not in trouble. It’s just… Kouyou, Uruha, he’s got a bit of a reputation with the men. Midori is always talking about one scandal after another, she seems to find it endearing but… I’m sorry, I don’t mean to imply anything. It’s just gossip magazines trying to sell a story.”

“I know about his past,” I say after a moment of thought, not wanting to confirm or deny anything. “It’s not my story to tell but I think that you can figure things out from what I’ve let slip already. I have no concerns about dating him, as he is now.”

“I didn’t mean to offend you,” Reita apologised. “It’s just I can see how you’re trying to improve yourself right now and I don’t want something to come along and ruin your hard work.”

“Really, it’s ok,” I reassure him. “I’m not offended. I’m glad you felt you needed to warn me. Honestly. Though it’s the end of my shift now and I really should save him from Midori, shouldn’t I?”

“You probably should.” Reita said, giving me a curious smile as I went back out into the shop. He’s a good man, that Reita, but I do wish that he had gotten to know Uruha for himself before bringing up the stories he had read. I only hope he wouldn’t try and sell the things I told him to the papers.

“You were shocked by her reaction,” Uruha remarked as he began to drive me home. There was a meeting that evening, which I now needed to go to instead of the afternoon one I used to attend when I was out of work. Uruha has decided to come with me, so we’re going to grab a quick lunch from whatever is my kitchen and then go together. He’s just making up reasons to stay with me as long as he can, he knows I can tell, but I’m flattered that he wants to spend the time with me. I can be clingy myself, so it’s kind of a relief that I’m not making up reasons to be with him. “But then, you never thought of me as a celebrity.”

“That’s… true,” I relent. “I didn’t know who you were, Kai didn’t either. Modelling isn’t something I know anything about. So, no I didn’t think of you as a celebrity at all. I should have at least tried to understand your job. You were working today?”

“There’s a few top models who work for my agent,” Uruha explained. “Actually, just three of us. If I named them, you wouldn’t know who they were anyway.”

“Harsh, but true,” I agree. “Not Ruki then? Is he on your level?”

“Ruki works for the same agency but a different agent. He’s one of the big names, yes. I like to think I’m bigger, he says he is and then I tell him I’m taller so he can’t possibly be right,” Uruha explained, making me laugh at his description of what must be a common argument. “Mei, my agent, she called today to say one of her big-name models had collapsed on set. They were on their third chance, in an industry that rarely gives second chances, so you can see how desperate she was when she called me. I was bored, so I agreed to work even though I knew I shouldn’t. It wasn’t bad though. Not today. She kept an eye on me and people were just glad someone had shown up fit for work.”

“And this look is typical for you?” I ask. He explains how it was actually a student beautician who did the amazing makeup around his eyes. As he drives me home, I begin to ask him more, finding his whole world rather different to what I had assumed. It’s easy having your photo taken but that’s not what a model does. To hold an expression that fits the image is very much like acting the way Uruha explains it, to hold a position can be uncomfortable or even straining on the muscles. Adding on conflicting ideas of what image they want to achieve, the egos of other models when shooting together, I can begin to see how the job could make a man stressed.

“Do you have makeup remover?” Uruha finally asks as we enter my apartment. I want to object to him removing the makeup but then realise that this look isn’t fitting for a meeting at all. Especially if he doesn’t want to be recognised.

“Actually, yes,” I say, my answer surprising him. “It’s from Halloween, can you wait though?”

“You like your painted boyfriend?” Uruha asks, giving me a kiss that would have become a lot more had Kai not appeared from the kitchen. Even Kai seems awed by Uruha’s appearance today, that’s how stunning he is. I’m a lucky man to get to call him my boyfriend, I need to make sure I treat him just as he deserves.


	12. Chapter 12

**~Uruha~**

I’d been woken up early that day by a call that I had hoped was Aoi, or Ruki even, but was my agent asking if I’d cover some more of the clients my colleague had let down by their sudden sickness. That was how she put it. We both knew he had an eating disorder. It was as obvious as my drinking problem probably was, or the cocaine I knew was being used by at least two other men, possibly three. I guess we all had our faults, I certainly wasn’t one to judge.

I’d met Mei on set again, but she stayed just long enough to check I was sober and fill me in and she was running off to some important meeting or other. So there I was, standing in a hotel looking for someone who knew what was going on.

“No babysitter today?” A familiar voice called cheerfully from behind me. The camera man from the shoot a few days ago is hear, no less enthusiastic to meet me as he had been that time. Did he think it was Mei that had caused me to reject him? That would be… Well actually quite normal. Mei never did like the fact we models wanted to date, especially not those of us who had gained a reputation for it like I had.

“Something like that,” I tell him as I follow him to the shoot’s location, the gardens behind the hotel, no wonder I hadn’t found anyone inside. “I do genuinely have a boyfriend though. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no.”

“Right,” The cameraman said, clearly not believing me. “Well if you get lonely and change your mind, you can find me at the bar later.”

“You won’t find me there either.” I reassure him but he’s laughing and I’ve been spotted by the staff who are taking me away to get ready. I want to hate him for laughing but I find the person I hate is myself. I earned that reputation and it’s going to take a long time for people to realise that this simply isn’t me anymore.

My day goes from bad to worse, as the woman I’ll be working on this shoot with is one my least favourite models I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet. A real diva who doesn’t like having her spotlight shared, even with a man. Especially not a homosexual like myself, who had turned down her advances several times until in the end she had been left mortified in front of her friends. She had got the point but now she was an active member of several religious organisations that called men like me sinners among other such extreme believes. She was in the wrong industry if she hated people like me, but she acted like men like Ruki and I were actually the ones who didn’t belong.

As expected, she threw a fit at just the sight of me. I roll my eyes and wait impatiently for her, knowing that there are no substitutes for myself. I check my phone to see if anyone has tried to contact me, trying to act like this little outburst doesn’t affect me. It does. I act like a confident gay man but knowing people hate me for being this way reminds me of the rejection I’d suffered when I had first come out. The friends I’d lost, the family who never really accepted me, it still hurts.

I text Ruki to let him know, as he always has some remark that makes me smile but there’s silence from him. He must be busy and she’s still going on and on about how she won’t shoot the photos with me.

“Have it your way.” The client finally declares. Now that was a surprising turn. She’s smirking as he requests a new model, her smile turning to a scowl as it becomes apparent it’s a female model he’s requesting. Turns out she was as irreplaceable as myself and finally the photos are taken with both of us, though neither of us are happy about it.

“Aoi isn’t home,” Kai said gently as I knock on his door, trying to hold back my tears. “But I think you should come in.”

“He’s at work, I know,” I explain. “I didn’t want to disturb him so I went looking for you at the restaurant and then here.”

“You should have called,” Kai said gently. I’d tried and he hadn’t answered, it felt mean to bring that up. “What’s happened?”

“I can’t take it anymore,” I sigh dramatically as I wrap my arms around him. “She’s so horrible and he won’t leave me alone and they’re all talking about me behind my back. I just know it. I need a drink so badly and I can’t have it and that…”

“Woah,” Kai interrupted me. “Sit down and let’s start at the beginning. Shall I get you a cup of tea?”

“Please.” I say feeling rather pitiful as I sit down on the sofa and pull my legs up to my chest. I’m sure I’m overreacting and Kai doesn’t need to deal with this breakdown, but where else am I to go?

“Here you go,” Kai said as he hands me a warm mug of tea. I sip at it, though it’s still too warm I find it comforting. “Something happen at work? They brought you back too soon, that much is obvious.”

“I had to work with this model who thinks my very existent is a sin.” I begin, but already Kai seems annoyed.

“Whoever thought that was a good idea?” Kai demands. “Even if you weren’t recovering right now, it seems rather callous to me.”

“To be fair, it was meant to be someone else shooting the photos with her.” I explain. His anger towards her begins to make me feel a little more secure about opening up to him. I tell him the nasty comments she made about me and to me and soon find myself telling him about the cameraman and some of the other comments I overheard. I’d almost ended up at that bar but knowing that the cameraman was after me had kept me away.

My phone rings towards the end and Kai tells me to answer it, as he has to get ready for work anyway. It’s Ruki, finally reacting to the message I sent him hours before. He’s not always reliable when it comes to returning contact but he usually does eventually. By the time I’ve shared some of what I told Kai with him, and listened to him rant and rave as well, I really begin to feel a little better.

“Look, I’m with Kai right now. I’ll call you again tonight,” I reassure him, as Kai returns now dressed for work. He’s handsome in those black trousers, if anyone could win my heart away from Aoi tonight it would be him. I’m only slightly tempted. Really it’s nothing more than appreciation. “I’m sorry, do you have to go now?”

“In about twenty minutes,” Kai answered. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Yes, I’m sorry I disturbed you.” I apologise but Kai won’t hear it. For the next twenty minutes I relax with him before he goes to work and I go home to call Ruki to have a good chat with him as well. I didn’t handle today’s events very well at all, but I didn’t resort to drinking which means I’ve made some small improvements.

**~Aoi~**

I’ve done it, the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t, I invited myself to Uruha’s apartment. Kai’s account of Uruha’s visit today had me so concerned I had to call him and next thing I know, I had pretty much told him I was staying the night.

I’m an idiot. When will I ever learn to give my boyfriend the space they need? Or perhaps I am doing the right thing? Uruha had sounded happy that I wanted to come and see him. Perhaps I should say I was only joking about staying the night? Only my bag is in my hand and the lift is already opening in front of his door.

There’s a doorbell next to the door, so I press it and hear Uruha calling me to just come in. He’s sat on the sofa with Ruki, his friend’s arm wrapped across his shoulders though Uruha doesn’t act like anything is unusual as I come in. It’s too intimate for my liking but I trust him enough not to say anything. Surely he would look guilty if anything was going on?

“Ruki just stopped by for a couple of hours, is that ok?” Uruha asks as I place my bag down and go to join him on the sofa. At least Ruki gets the hint and moves his arm, though he isn’t pleased to see me. He’s smiling but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“It’s fine.” I agree, as there’s no other answer that I can give. I’d come over here with little warning, perhaps Ruki usually saw Uruha and I was the one intruding? Luckily Ruki and Uruha were planning to watch a film, so we do that together and not long after Ruki decides to go home. I wish I could like Uruha’s friend more, really I do, but there’s just something about him that makes me uneasy. Even as I’m watching, Ruki places a kiss on Uruha’s lips before he leaves.

“You’re jealous of him,” Uruha correctly accuses as he sees my expression. “I understand why but really, there’s nothing going on between us anymore.”

“I am jealous,” I confess, “But I’ll try not to be a jerk about it.”

“I keep telling him that I’m with you now,” Uruha said with a sigh as he sat down beside me once more. “He knows full well you’re my boyfriend but I never tell him off for touching me, kissing me. I guess I’ve grown used to his comfort.”

“And that’s all right,” I reassure him. I will trust him, no matter what I feel when he’s with Ruki I won’t deny him the comfort of his best friend. “I’m the one who invited myself here. You should be telling me off for being clingy. I was just worried after what Kai told me.”

“It was hard and I was weak but it’s fine now.” Uruha said with a smile. This time I doubted his words.

“I know Kai helped you a lot,” I say carefully. “And he’s usually pretty good at supporting people in need but he’s not sure he helped you enough. Uruha, Kai seems to think that you have reservations about your own sexuality?” I stop myself asking if that’s why he only slept with men when he was drunk, but I’m thinking it.

“He said that?” Uruha asked, sounding surprised. “The truth is, when I’m dealing with people like Reiko, the model from this morning, I do begin to have doubts. My father was less than supportive when I came out, my mother stands by his side though she’s not as convinced that there’s anything wrong with me like he is. Women like Reiko, they bring back insecurities from back then. I begin to question things but that’s all it is. I remember all the lovely gay men I know, like Ruki and you, and I remind myself that if people like that are gay, then it’s not a bad thing at all. I think Kai misunderstood, he only saw the doubt.”

“Uruha, is there more going on that alcoholism?” I ask him point blank. I accept his words at face value but Kai had serious concerns about the state of Uruha’s mental health and I was beginning to share them.

“No, why do you ask?” Uruha asks, with a look of confusion that could be genuine but could just as easily be faked.

“You judge yourself too harshly,” I carefully explain. “That’s all. I know you’re finding out who the sober you is, that you need time, so I won’t push the matter. Just know that I’m hear if you need to talk. Or Kai I guess. Why did you go to him anyway?”

“You were at work and I didn’t want Reita to get annoyed at us,” Uruha answers. It was a fair point so I didn’t press the matter further, not that I could. Uruha was surprising me with a kiss that spoke of passion and desire that I simply hadn’t expected. “Would I kiss like that if Kai was right?”

“I’m not sure, maybe you should try kissing me again?” I answer, pulling Uruha towards me so that he can show me just how gay he is. A peck on the lips is nothing compared to this, I really have no need to be jealous of Ruki’s affection towards my boyfriend.

“I think I want…” Uruha began slowly, the conflicting emotions inside him making it hard to express what it is he wants. “I should lock the door.”

“That should be a habit.” I scold him, as he goes to do just that. I wonder what he was going to say before but the thought he was having seems to have been rather fleeting.

“You have tomorrow off work?” Uruha asks.

“Reita wanted me to cover a weekend shift, so yes I have tomorrow off,” I answer. “I’ll leave early, if that’s what you want?”

“Quite the opposite,” Uruha reassured me, “I want you to keep your promise to me.”

“My promise?” I repeat cluelessly but Uruha is heading towards the bedroom and when I don’t follow him, he gives me a look that makes me realise my mistake. My promise, to be there for him in the morning. It was such an easy promise to make, so natural of me to not want to leave, I hadn’t even realised how much it meant to him. “Are you sure? I know you’re gay, you don’t need to prove it.”

“I’m holding out on the man that means most to me, because of mistakes I made in the past,” Uruha explained. “It’s tortuous to me to wait, if we do this then it’ll no longer be a big deal.”

“If you’re sure.” I say, not approaching Uruha as I want him to make the decision. His words don’t mean much to me, not when I’ve seen how quickly his emotions can change. He’s made this decision with logic, I’d rather he gave in to passion. Passion that I know we share, why is it then that now I’m the one hesitant to bring this relationship a little further?

Uruha pulls out a box of condoms from his bedside drawer, frowning as he opens what appears to be an empty box. He seems surprised and begins to look through his drawer, ending up tipping the entire contents onto the bed.

“I didn’t bring any either.” I apologise. I hadn’t wanted him to find them and get the wrong idea about my visit.

“This box wasn’t empty before.” Uruha said, frantically searching through the items on the bed. “One minute, I have some in the living room.”

“Of course.” I say, letting him go as my eyes gaze over the items he has laid out on the bed. There’s lube among them and several toys that give me all sorts of wicked ideas but there’s no condoms.

“This box is empty too!” Uruha exclaimed as he re-joined me. He looks absolutely stunned by this revelation and I begin to realise that it’s not just absent mindedness that led to the empty box. “Someone took them!”

“Well who had access to your bedroom and knew where you hid the others?” I ask. Really, this is so strange. Who would steal condoms?

“My sister has keys. I suppose she may have took the ones in the bedroom but that doesn’t seem like her. She wouldn’t want to look through my drawers, she’s found stuff like this before.” Uruha finished, realising that I was testing the weight of one of his dildos. He gives me a look like a deer in the headlights but his shock turns to a smile.

“Who else? Perhaps someone you let in here but don’t watch all the time?” I ask.

“There’s only one other person,” Uruha said slowly. “He knows where my secret condoms are and I wouldn’t watch him all the time he was here.”

“Ruki.” I finish Uruha’s thought.

“But why would he take them?” Uruha asked. “I’d understand one but…”

“Let’s not think on this,” I answer. I don’t want to share my idea that perhaps Ruki is intentionally trying to stop us sleeping together, it sounds ludicrous even thinking about it. “What I want to know is, can you really take this toy?”

“That one?” Uruha said, staring at the thick dildo in my hand. “That was a joke gift but….”

“Really?” I ask. I was expecting that it was a joke gift, not that he could actually use it. It was almost as thick as my lower arm, with ridged veins along the shaft and a tip that wasn’t quite human.

“With a lot of preparation, yes.” Uruha answered. Well there’s only one thing for it, I need to test this claim tonight.

“I could go to the shop but I think the lack of condoms is fate warning you to wait just a little longer,” I explain. “Instead, can I use this on you?”


	13. Chapter 13

**~Uruha~**

I stare at the toy in Aoi’s hand, stunned that he actually wants to do what he’s suggesting. I can take that toy, I didn’t lie to him, but it’s only been the odd time I’ve managed it and never by someone else’s insertion. It takes so long to prepare me for a toy like that. If he’s serious, I’m in for serious pleasure.

“I don’t think you have the patience for that one.” I tell him, handing another toy over to him that fits far easier than the one he selected. I can’t believe I tipped these toys out onto the bed in front of him, I hadn’t been thinking about what I kept in the drawer at all.

“Let me be the judge of that.” Aoi said. He’s taken my words as a challenge and his expression excites me. Helplessly I allow him to push me down onto the bed, accepting his weight above me as he kisses me with the same enthusiasm we’d shared before. I should be disappointed that I won’t feel him inside me tonight but instead I’m excited by what he wants to do to me. I’ll be his tonight, helpless and under his control, it’s what we both want.

My clothes slowly find their way to the floor but it’s Aoi’s mouth that has my attention. His kiss against my lips is desperate and passionate, against my neck it’s an erotic threat and against my nipples it’s tender and kind. How he can make me feel such extreme emotions with just his mouth I will never know. I’ve had so much sex that it should just be mindless pleasure by now but with Aoi it’s like I’m experiencing making love for the first time. It’s not because I’m sober, it’s because he truly puts pleasing me above anything else. The way he’s looking at me makes me feel so very vulnerable but not for a moment am I worried. This is a man who truly appreciates me. A man who deserves everything in this world.

His fingers enter me, one by one stretching my body for what should be him. I hate that I didn’t have protection, something I’m never without. What has happened to my condoms anyway? Why would anyone take more than just one? My thoughts are distracted as a dildo enters me, the smaller one that I offered Aoi. I use toys on myself but never with anyone else. It’s almost embarrassing but I feel too good to feel ashamed at the obvious pleasure that I’m displaying.

“I could suck you dry,” Aoi offered. “But what could you offer me to lose the chance to watch the beautiful arousal I see across your face?”

“I’m sure you can find a way to watch at the same time.” I answer but Aoi is stripping away his clothes and I know what he wants. He lies on the bed, his warm breath against my own arousal but his lips don’t touch me at all. His cock is mere centimetres by my mouth and I happily move my lips down over it. He responds in kind and my pleasure doubles. I wonder if he is the type to like having men inside him? I never asked but as my finger brushes against his entrance I feel his moan around my own length. I tease him again, wishing I knew where the lube was so I could test this theory. My free hand moves over the bed and by pure chance, I find what I’m looking for. I moan in delight as Aoi’s tongue hits a sweet spot, my hips shooting up against him, the toy in my ass moving roughly into me. He’s not being gentle and I don’t want him to be. Rather rebelliously, I coat my fingers with lube and push into him. I could have ruined everything but Aoi’s moan is exactly what I wanted to hear. I begin to stretch him, finding it so hard to orally please him when such intense please is washing over me.

“Uruha.” Aoi moans, his focus broken now. He no longer seems interested in pleasuring me but still that toys thrusts into me. I suck harder, adding a third finger beside the two I already have inside him and he comes against the back of my throat. I swallow his cum even as he swallows my length and soon follow him into bliss.

“Do you still want to try the large dildo?” I tease Aoi as I feel myself returning to reality. He’s not teasing the toy anymore. He’s just knelt beside me with a smile as his gaze seems to cover me with affection.

“Of course I do,” Aoi said, sceptically picking up the toy and judging the size difference. “You sure this doesn’t hurt?”

“I got it in just fine,” I admit. “You need to use four fingers in me and then slowly begin to part them. It takes time.”

“Did it feel good?” Aoi asks.

“I felt wonderfully full.” I confess. I’m sure I’m blushing now. I don’t like to admit this fetish of mine. Nobody knows, not even Ruki, but when I’m alone I do like to test just how much I can take.

“Well then, I just have to make you feel that way again.” Aoi says, kissing me before putting three lube drenched fingers into me. I moan at the intrusion, loving prostrate stimulation more than anything. He kisses me as he stretches me further. Slow lingering kisses that I return with all the affection I had to give. I barely notice the fourth finger inside me, I’m so focused on the feeling of Aoi beside me, the ways his lips make me feel.

Slowly I’m been stretched by him, my body reacting in an arousal even more needy that the first. It remains untouched, a promise of an orgasm to come. I whimper against Aoi in my desperation, I need that dildo now that he has my hopes up. I’ve never felt so ready to take a toy in my life.

“Tell me if it hurts.” Aoi warns, slowly inserting the toy. I moan in pleasure, not pain, taking it in slowly. It goes easily, as deep as Aoi’s fingers, but there’s resistance now. I’m about to warm Aoi but he stops on his own, pulling the toy out slowly just a little before pushing in just a little again. I moan in pleasure, my body shaking in the intensity of what I’m feeling. Slowly, little by little, the toy is inserted deeper inside me. Deeper than I had ever been able to go. I’m so full but there’s no pain, only this intense feeling of satisfaction and the pleasure the toy is bringing me. The pleasure Aoi is bringing me. Once again his lips are around my hard flesh and I find myself screaming his name between moans that I can’t keep to myself any longer. This is heaven and I savour every moment.

**~Aoi~**

As I sink into the warm water beside Uruha I feel a rush of delight. I didn’t know Uruha had a hot tub on a secluded part of the buildings roof but it’s a much welcomed surprise. He’d almost limped up here, pretending like that toy had been nothing when I knew how far he had been pushed to take it. I’ve never seen a man in real life want to even try such an extreme toy but Uruha took it well. To be honest, I’d be fantasying about this night for many more nights to come.

Uruha moves against me, resting his head against my chest as I hold him close. He seems vulnerable now, like a lost puppy that I have no choice but to protect. I suppose what I did to him was extreme emotionally. It’s not like I’ve even been inside him myself.

“There’s something I wanted to say to you before, but I want you to know I am sincere and not just saying it in the moment,” Uruha tells me. I already know what the words would be but I’m still surprised to hear them. “I love you Aoi. Honestly, I really do.”

“What’s not to love?” I joke, unable to help myself. “But you should be honoured to know that the great Aoi, he’s in love with you.”

“Say it then!” Uruha scolds me. He can be demanding, I love that about it.

“I love you, stupid,” I tease. I get splashed with water for my rebellion and laughing I force a kiss onto him. “See, that was stupid.”

“I take it back. I don’t love you at all.” Uruha declares but neither of us believe those words. With a sign I lie back, floating on my back as I stare up at the starry night sky. It’s nice to have money to enjoy moments like this, I decide, but it doesn’t take an expensive hot tub with a starry night’s view to make this night special. The only thing I need to feel this content is Uruha.

We had a lazy morning, getting up when we felt like it and having a breakfast of eggs that Uruha managed to cook without incident. I guess I’d won the roulette that morning and stole many kisses as my reward.

“Do you want to go shopping?” Uruha asked. “I want to buy you something, if you would allow it?”

“You want to buy me something?” I repeat, stalling for time. I’m not really sure how I feel about this offer.

“Because you’ve been so wonderful and patient, I know I can be difficult,” Uruha said. “But I can tell you’re not enthusiastic about the idea. I know, follow me.”

“Yes sir.” I tease him, as he leads me to his walk-in wardrobe that’s large but so full I wonder if he could fit anything else in here.

“Often when I model, they let me take the clothes home,” Uruha explained. “I wear some of it, but that shelf there just isn’t my style. Take what you want. You can wear it on dates with me, if you don’t want to feel like your taking advantage of me.”

“Something wrong with my clothes?” I ask him, my eyes already on a few of the pieces. Uruha is right, there are clothes here that I would totally love to take home. They’d go to waste if I didn’t wear them.

“Not at all,” Uruha reassured me. “But if you’re my boyfriend, sooner or later I’m going to have to introduce you to people I work with. They’re judgmental enough as it is, so I want them to see you at your best.”

“I suppose I can take a few pieces.” I fake reluctance. I don’t like his reasoning but I do want some of these clothes. He’s too concerned about keeping up appearances among the people he works with but maybe I’m being harsh in my judgment. Maybe he has to be this way to stay at the top. I try on the clothes for Uruha that I like best, finally settling on an outfit to wear for the day.

“I’m just going to get my post.” Uruha informs me, as I begin to style my hair before we head out. Uruha still wants to go shopping and there is one thing I know that we need to buy. When Uruha returns, he looks upset and I wonder what could have happened in the few minutes we were parted.

“Uruha? What is it?” I ask him. He says nothing, handing over one of those celebrity gossip magazines that I would never read but he seems to have a subscription to this one. His photo is on the front cover and I’m beside him though I don’t remember this photo being taken. As I read the article, I realise that it’s a shock piece about how Uruha was dating a guy who worked in a green grocers, going on to talk about his many failed relationships and how he is struggling with alcoholism. He comes across as a slut and heartless whore, myself as a gold digger, so I can see why he’s upset but I find the article amusing. I can’t help but laugh. “They really do like to manipulate everything to sell these things, don’t they?”

“You’re not mad?” Uruha asked, rather taken aback by my response. It’s then that I realise he really does take what is written about him to heart. No wonder he has such low self-esteem.

“Well it’s not true, for the most part,” I explain. “It’ll blow over as soon as they find their next person to harass.”

“You don’t get it, for them to know all this someone must have sold the story.” Uruha explained.

“Or they just followed you a little.” I explain, but he’s already trying to figure out who’s sold the story. His neighbour is on the list, the camera man, the model who upset him, as he goes on the list grows and grows. I didn’t realise he had so many enemies, no wonder he struggles.

“And then there’s you and Kai who may have just wanted money,” Uruha finished. I gape at him in horror for suggesting such a thing. “Well it’s probably not you.”

“It won’t be Kai. His restaurant is doing really well,” I say defensively. “How can you suggest he’d do that?”

“I’m not!” Uruha said, “I’m just making a mental list of suspects.”

“Well you should add Ruki on their then,” I challenge him. “Perhaps he wants to bring you down so he can be the star?”

“He wouldn’t do that!” Uruha protested, about to get angry at me but calming himself down. “Fine, he’s on the list. But he and Kai are the least likely. Happy?”

“I’m not happy that this trash magazine has upset you.” I answer. I do my best to cheer him up but his good mood has been ruined. All I can do is support him, reassure him that nothing that the magazine has published means anything about either of us. He’s beginning to believe me when Ruki arrives. Completely uninvited I might add. He seems surprised that I’m still here and once again I begin to get a little suspicious. I hadn’t meant it when I said Ruki had done this but he certainly expected that what had been published to have damaged our relationship. Was I suppose to have seen that and judged Uruha just as harshly?

“You seem in a surprisingly good mood?” Reita remarked as I turned up to work the next day. He’d seen the article then. Midori had probably shown him.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I ask him. He’s as bad as Ruki, he expects the magazine to have damaged my relationship with Uruha, not made it stronger. My only regret had been that it had given Ruki a reason to stay with us, inviting himself on our shopping trip, preventing Uruha and I from being alone. He was being like this on purpose but Uruha had been vulnerable enough to want the companionship of his best friend and I couldn’t say anything about it.

“You didn’t see the magazine?” Midori asks, trying to push her copy at me.

“I saw it,” I answer. “So now you know why he behaved the way he used to, perhaps you can both accept that he’s changed?”

“Sure, we didn’t mean to upset you.” Reita said gently, giving Midori a warning look not to push the matter. I wonder what they both really think of Uruha? Midori is his fan, she probably likes the idea he sleeps around, I realise. Reita probably only cares because he doesn’t want to see me hurt.

The shop is busy that day, the article providing free advertising it seems. Reita has to place a ban on people coming in just to talk to me, paying customers only, but even then it’s almost overwhelming how busy we got. I guess anyone can afford to buy a little bit of fruit or vegetables for the chance to meet me. In the end, he pulls me into the office and shows how me to place an order from the wholesalers and a few other office jobs that keep me out of the limelight. It’s a relief to be quiet and I’m glad Uruha isn’t coming to pick me up today. If they’re excited to meet me, how would they react to his presence? I’ve become a celebrity’s boyfriend I realise. Uruha, or Kouyou as he’s know, truly is famous. It was only my own ignorance that prevented me from seeing that. Once again I had been rather callous of his feelings. The public image of him was important and I had dismissed his concerns as if they were nothing. I needed to get better at this, needed to be the man that I had to be, to publicly stand at Uruha’s side. The clothes he gave me weren’t charity or his own vanity, they were a necessity and I would ensure that I always wore them when we went out together. I would have to be as polished as a model and that was just fine with me. I’m beautiful, right? I just have to charm the world with my smile.


	14. Chapter 14

**Warning:** This chapter contains mentions of sexual assault.

**  
~Uruha~**

He’s drunk again. Turning up uninvited yet again. I let him in without complaint, surprised when he wraps me in a hug and won’t let go. I remember the days when it had been myself behaving in this manner and for the first time wonder if Ruki also shares my problem.

“Ruki, what’s wrong?” I ask him gently, when the hug has lingered to the point it’s beginning to get a little uncomfortable. He’s just there, holding me as a child clings to their favourite toy or blanket. I can feel his warmth against mine and it brings back pleasant memories of the times we had been together. An ex I would never regret taking to my bedroom.

“I just don’t want to be alone anymore.” Ruki replies as he pulls away from me and goes to sit on the sofa, staring at the wall without explaining what he means. I ask him and he won’t answer any of my questions. With a sigh I tell him I’m going to make us some drinks and head for my kitchen. What am I meant to do with him? He’s so vulnerable but if he won’t talk, I can’t help.

I hand him his drink, which he sips carefully before placing it half touched on the coffee table before him. I take his hand in mine after I sit down beside him, quietly waiting for him to talk.

“Things are going well with Aoi?” He asks. Whatever is bothering him, he isn’t going to tell me.

“Of course,” I say unable to hide my happy smile. Aoi is wonderful and no matter what people say about us, he doesn’t care. I’ve never met a man like that before. “Is that’s what’s wrong. You want a boyfriend of your own?”

“Something like that,” Ruki says. “The men we work with, they’re a bunch of arrogant jerks. All of them, you’re the only exception. I can’t even party with you anymore.”

“That’s not true,” I say. “Remember when we had pizza at Kai’s?”

“It’s not the same,” Ruki said with a sigh. “It’s not that I want you to start drinking again but do you ever think you’d be able to go to the parties?”

“Not anytime soon but I can’t do this job and never go,” I confess. “So when I learn to be strong, I’ll come with you then.”

“Let’s have our own party,” Ruki declares. “Just the two of us. I’ll go mix the cocktails, you put on some music. It’ll be fun.”

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” I ask, but he’s heading to my kitchen and I find myself turning on my TV to connect to a music app. I’m browsing the music selection when he returns and sip the drink, surprised by just how much it tastes like the real thing.

“Let’s dance.” Ruki declares as I select a song and he’s pulling me to my feet. He’s so drunk I don’t think he really knows what he’s doing but I don’t stop him grinding against me. I won’t lie and say I felt nothing, he’s a beautiful man and I’ve always been attracted to him. As the song ends I finish my drink and we dance again. I’m feeling a little light headed, what was in that drink?

He makes more cocktails which I drink just as quickly, giggling now as Ruki’s hands wander over my body. I’m being unfaithful, I realise as I finally step away. It’s this strange mood I’m in. I feel just a little bit tipsy.

“Ruki, what’s in these drinks?” I ask him and he won’t answer. They’re real then, I should have realised straight away. Just two, it’s not so bad. I’m not drunk at all. Two drinks are harmless, I decide. I just won’t have any more.

“I’m just using the bathroom.” Ruki reassures me as he steps away. I nod and before I know it, I’m searching his bag and find the bottle of vodka. I’m feeling guilty for the way I danced with Ruki, delighted by the sensations the alcohol I’ve already drunk has brought over me. I’m happy for the first time in weeks. What does it matter if I drink this? I take a long swig from the bottle and then another. Ruki catches me but he smiles, putting his lips against mine and I return the kiss that feels so right. It’s just a memory of us being together.

“Ruki no, I’m with Aoi now.” I protest but he pushes me face down against the sofa.

“Screw Aoi, he doesn’t deserve you,” Ruki declares. “We both know that it’s us that should be together.” 

“I don’t want this.” I get out in a whisper but the alcohol in me has control now. I feel my clothes being removed and I wonder if this is what I deserve. Aoi is too good for me. I’m just a stupid slut who can’t even stay sober. “Please, stop.” I beg as he pushes his fingers into me.

“You want this, my little whore.” Ruki teases me. I weakly push him away but his response is only to add another finger.

“Please…” I beg. I want him to stop but I don’t think that’s how he takes it. By the time he’s in me for real, I’m crying but he’s too drunk to realise, or maybe he doesn’t care. Suddenly my front door opens and Aoi is there, staring at us in horror. I didn’t invite him, didn’t ask him to come in. Why is he even here? I whimper, but he’s not looking at me at all. His gaze is on Ruki’s, full of hate and betrayal. I call his name, needing him to save me but instead he turns and leaves. Now I’m sobbing, screaming Aoi’s name though he doesn’t return.

“Forget him.” Ruki snarls, coming hard into me. He didn’t even use protection, I realise as my horror grows.

“Get off me!” I finally snap, “You’re the devil and I hate you! Get out!”

“Uruha?” Ruki asks, for the first time realising how distraught I am. I scream at him some more until finally he really does leave. I’m left there, crying on my sofa alone as his cum fills me, marking his claim over my body. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t deserve Aoi, he knew I was a slut who deserved everything that he got. I grab the vodka bottle and smash it on the floor, using the longest piece to slice along my arms, across my chest, my thighs. I slash at my body until the pain replaces the sorrow and continue on until I fall to the floor. The world will be better without me, I decide as I lose consciousness.

I awake in a hospital bed, wondering who had called the ambulance. I was supposed to have bled out, perhaps my sister found me or Aoi had returned? Had he been fetching help when he first saw me? I open my eyes, but it’s Kai who’s in the room and he doesn’t look too pleased.

“Kai,” I whisper his name, making him look up from his phone with some relief to see I’m awake. “What happened?”

“You tell me,” Kai said, his usual kindness gone. “I’ve already heard Aoi’s side of things.”

“Kai,” I say again, distraught that he’s so cold. “Did you call the ambulance?”

“Yes, I found you when I went to your apartment,” Kai said. “How could you do this?”

“He tricked me,” I got out. “I didn’t want to drink but…”

“Not that,” Kai said. “How could you do that to Aoi?”

“To Aoi?” I repeat, growing angry now. I’d been hurt by his actions before, now I was angry. “Why should I care about him, after what he did to me!”

“What he did to you?” Kai repeated. There’s confusion all over his face and my anger dies. I’m beginning to put together what Aoi saw, why he may have been there.

“Last night, did Aoi get a message from me to come over?” I ask. Kai’s giving me the most confused of looks but I think he realises that Aoi’s description of events may not be entirely as they were.

“Yes?” Kai repeated. Damn Ruki! He’d set everything up. He must have gotten into my phone when I was in the kitchen and asked Aoi to come over, just so he’d catch us in the act. I have a password to my phone but I’m not discreet when I unlock my phone around him, it’s easy for him to have learnt it.

“Please, tell him I never consented.” I whisper, slipping out of consciousness once more.

**~Aoi~**

I’ve lost everything. My boyfriend cheated on me with his best friend and I can’t handle the pain. Last night I headed for the nearest bar, drowning my sorrow in one beer after another. At some point I must have called Kai to let him know what Uruha had done to me because he wasn’t home when I finally stumbled in and there was a note on the fridge advising that was where he had gone. Uruha deserved to face Kai’s anger, stupid slut that he was.

I call in sick to work but Reita already knew I’d been drinking. I don’t know how, I don’t care. I have no boyfriend and no job. What even is the point of being sober? Exhausted, physically and emotionally, I collapse on my bed and pass out for a few hours. Awakening only to the sound of my phone ringing.

“You’re hungover,” Kai accused as I answer. “We’ll deal with that later. You need to come to the hospital.”

“I wasn’t that drunk,” I protest but as Kai explains that Uruha is there I’m filled with mixed emotions. I hate that he’s hurt, alarmed that he did this to himself but also rather unamused at the lengths he’s gone to win me back. Does he think faking a suicide attempt would make me forgive him? “I’m not going to see him.”

“You are, you need to speak to him,” Kai accused. “Look Aoi, I know what you saw but Uruha’s story seems to be quite different. He wasn’t awake long but Aoi, I think he was raped.”

“Raped?” I repeat. My anger turns to horror. I hadn’t seen his face, it was true, and that moan could have been easily pain and not pleasure. It could have been pleasure but unwanted. I’d run away and let the attack continue, I realised in horror. No wonder he had done this. He must have believed he deserved it. “Are you sure?”

“He said to tell you that he didn’t consent,” Kai answered. “He didn’t remember asking you to come over either. I think Ruki got into his phone.”

“I’m coming.” I tell him. “Look after him.”

My rush to the hospital was a blur, I don’t really remember how I got there or how I found his room. Uruha was still unconscious when I arrived, the skin I could see on his arms a mess of cuts. Vertical cuts, he’d meant to die. If Kai hadn’t angrily stormed into his apartment he’d be dead, of that I was sure.

“I’m the worst.” I whisper, falling against Kai as I begin to cry. I can’t stand to look at Uruha like this, knowing I could have saved him. Why had I assumed the worst and run like a fool? If I had been angry like Kai, I would have learnt the truth.

“You didn’t know,” Kai said gently as he holds me. “You can make things up to him. He’ll recover from those cuts. The doctors gave him a blood transfusion and he was awake before, though not for long.”

“You saved his life.” I reminded him. There’s not much more that can be said. I sit down on the seat that Kai vacates as he goes on the hunt for some food and wonder what I should say when he does finally wake up. My head’s pounding from my hangover but it’s my heart that truly aches.

“Aoi.” A weak voice calls my name, it’s Uruha and he’s watching me cautiously. “Did Kai tell you. I didn’t consent. I didn’t. I…”

“Kai told me,” I say, taking his hand. “I’m so sorry. I thought…. Things I should have known you would never do. I let him continue.” I finish, as I begin to sob.

“I’m a slut, we both know it, he’d tricked me into drinking with him,” Uruha got out, through his own tears. “But I told him no, I swear I told him I didn’t want to. I just didn’t say it enough and he got the wrong idea I think.”

“Uruha, he raped you, don’t make excuses for him.” I tell him angrily. He doesn’t respond to those words, clinging onto my hand as we both simply cry and come to terms over what happened.

“Are we good?” He asks me.

“No, I can never make this up to you,” I answer. “I’m the very worst.”

“No, we’re good,” Uruha corrects me. He gives me a weak smile. “I’m a mess, look at me. If these scar, well I guess that’s me forced to retire.”

“Reita knows I was drinking last night, someone he knows must have seen me.” I confess. Uruha gives me a look of horror as he realises what that means. I wonder if I speak to Reita if that would be enough but I don’t know if he’d want me back. My celebrity boyfriend status had made things difficult the last time I was in the shop. Perhaps he’s glad that I no longer work for him. I can’t bring myself to care, it’s Uruha that I need to focus on. Uruha, who has fallen asleep yet again. I suppose it’s good that he’s waking up at all.

Kai returns not longer after, giving me a curious look as he sees my tears and the way we’re holding hands. I don’t need to tell him I’ve been talking to Uruha, he can tell. He hands me a drink and begins to explain what the doctor had told him about Uruha’s condition. Uruha’s wakes up halfway through the explanation so Kai begins the story again.

“I don’t want to have to stay here.” Uruha complains, as he learns he’s been put on suicide watch.

“You’re in no fit state to go anywhere,” Kai says firmly. “You think you can just walk out?”

“Well, no,” Uruha relents, obviously defeated by Kai’s words. “Do you know where my phone is? I need to tell my sister I’m here.” 

“It’s probably still in your apartment,” Kai answers. “I’ll go and get it for you, unless you know her number?”

“Please,” Uruha said. Making some other requests of things he’d like Kai to collect. “Thank you, both of you.”

“Just get better.” Kai ordered, placing a kiss on Uruha’s forehead as he goes to leave. I don’t mind Kai’s affection at all, but it reminds me of another man I’ve seen kissing him.

“Uruha, I don’t want to have to say this but I don’t want you speaking to Ruki ever again.” I say, my anger towards him evident in my voice. Uruha’s eyes tear up at the very idea of losing his friend. I feel horrible for asking this but after what happened, I honestly can’t stand the idea of the two of them being friends.

“He didn’t know,” Uruha said. “He was horrified when I kicked him out. He… You’re right though, he betrayed me completely by making me drink. I can’t trust him. So I’ll agree to only talk to him if absolutely necessary. That includes a phone call to say goodbye.”

“Of course.” I agree. I feel so horrible right now, denying him the company of his closest friend but Ruki was no friend to Uruha. Not in the end. The way he had smirked when I had entered Uruha’s apartment, he thought he had won in that moment, that Uruha would have been his but that’s not how love and relationships work. Ruki had no right to even consider Uruha as his friend.


	15. Chapter 15

**~Uruha~**

I’m floating in an abyss, it’s not black but purple. Sometimes I wake up and face reality for a little while. The people in my room change, nurses and doctors, Aoi, Kai and my sister. Once it was Ruki but the moment I woke up, he left without a word. I don’t know how he got in. I feel so weak when I wake up but every time, I feel just a little bit more alive. I’m hurting in every possible way but I try to hide my pain, I don’t want Aoi to hurt anymore than he already is. He allowed me to be raped in the same way I had sex with Ruki. Neither of us are guilty of anything and I’m not angry with him but the situation isn’t ideal. So every time, I slip back into that sea of purple and sleep. There’s peace in the abyss.

Finally I wake up for real and I know I can’t just fall asleep to avoid this pain. Too many people want me to live and I no longer wish that I was dead. I’ve become numb to it all, I don’t even know what it is exactly that I want.

The doctor comes to see me, even though it’s the middle of the night that my broken body has decided to wake up and he asks me a bunch of questions. I decide to be honest about everything, except the name of the friend who did this to me. I refuse to report Ruki to the police, no matter what the doctor says I know he believed my protests were only guilt and not a genuine desire for him to stop. The doctor leaves and I’m alone in my room for the first time since I did this to myself. Cautiously I sit up in bed, wincing at the angry red marks I see on my body. They’re going to scar, I can’t model anymore and to my surprise, I feel numb to the idea.

Nervously I reach for my phone, answering some messages from some of my other friends and acquaintances though being late nobody responds. I feel so very lost but mainly numb. So very numb.

Morning comes slowly, but with it a flurry of activity. First the nurse comes to check on me, then a woman brining me breakfast which tastes of nothing at all, finally I’m visited by a therapist who tries his best to get me to talk but I’m spent. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to be judged by him. 

My sister comes at visiting time. She’d been nice before but now she lets her anger out, telling me exactly how I made her feel by doing this. I hadn’t been thinking about her feelings at all, she was right to be angry. I should have phoned Aoi to explain but the pain had been too great to even consider that I could get him to understand. My sister’s visit ends with us wrapped in a hug, both crying as out emotions are finally released.

“Don’t be stupid.” She warned before she leaves. She’s told me that many times before, this time she really means it. I promise her I won’t do anything dumb but it’s too late to stop my plans. I’m about to get out of bed when Kai arrives.

“You’re up?” Kai asks.

“I’m leaving, don’t stop me.” I tell him. He’s shocked at my words, I’m not allowed to leave and he knows it.

“You’re meant to see a therapist for the next few days, never mind your physical wounds,” Kai commented. “How are you going to get home?”

“I don’t know,” I admit. “Somehow. You could take me?”

“Against your doctor’s orders?” Kai asks.

“I’m not a prisoner.” I reply. Kai has the same serious expression he wore on his first visit, though this time there’s real sympathy there.

“You’re on suicide watch, so they can legally keep you here,” Kai reminded me. “Did you not get on with the therapist? Have you met him even?”

“He came this morning,” I admit. “But I couldn’t talk to him. I didn’t like him at all.”

“He’s not going to be much help then,” Kai agrees. “Would you consider a therapist I found? She specialises in addiction, I looked into her for Aoi but she was expensive and the meetings were helping him enough. But you’re not just an addict, are you?”

“What do you mean by that?” I demand. Aoi had mentioned that Kai thought there was something more going on with me. Was he going to call me a closeted homophobe to my face or something?

“You have depression,” Kai said gently. “Or something of that nature. I think that’s why you didn’t fight Ruki off, why you did this. Why you drunk in the first place. Why you don’t know what boundaries to set on yourself. If I’m wrong, then the therapist will help with the addiction anyway.”

“But Aoi makes me happy.” I say quietly. My moods were all over the place, I did judge myself harshly and I had done this to myself. Perhaps Kai isn’t wrong to suggest this?

“I never said he didn’t,” Kai said gently. He pulls out his phone, bringing up the website for the therapist and handing it to me. “Call her, book an appointment in as soon as possible and I will convince the doctors to let you leave.”

“Thanks, Kai,” I say softly. I study her photo, read the reviews from other clients and take note of her qualifications. “This means I don’t need to go to meetings anymore?”

“Let her decide that for you.” Kai said. I don’t really want to talk to anyone but one person would be better than the meetings I decide, phoning her from my own phone as I hand Kai’s back to him. When they hear I attempted suicide, I’m suddenly given an appointment that afternoon which I agree to go to. When I’m done Kai goes to speak to the doctor. It took some convincing and I had to show the doctor the appointment confirmation but finally I’m able to leave the hospital. Aoi calls Kai his guardian angel, I feel that perhaps he may be mine too. Kai is the one who saved my life. I owe him everything.

“How’s your restaurant doing?” I ask as Kai helps me to my car.

“Well enough, why?” Kai asked.

“Would you like a second one,” I ask him. “I’m trying to think of something I can do to thank you for everything.”

“You’re not buying me a restaurant, that’s insane. What I want from you is for you to get better, stay out of trouble and if you ever do want to break up with Aoi, do it gently.” Kai ordered. He’s worse than Aoi for not wanting gifts, perhaps I can send him some luxury food as a gift basket?

Kai stays with me when I get home, I think he might have told the doctor he would because he refuses to leave. I decide that if he wants to hang out here, he can be useful, so I ask him to run a bath for me and help me get in. While I’m soaking, he begins to prepare food in the kitchen for me to eat over the next few days. My guardian angel, I have no doubts now. 

**~Aoi~**

I enter the shop, surprising both Reita and Midori who didn’t expect me to come back here. Reita had fired me after all, I’d let him down. He didn’t even want to talk about it, until I confessed Uruha was in the hospital.

“We’ll talk in the office.” Reita relented, though he still looks sceptical. Slowly I begin to tell him everything, practically begging for my job back by the end of it.

“Please?” I ask, as Reita stares at me in silence.

“Is this true?” Reita asks finally. “No, I can tell it is.”

“I messed up,” I confess. “I know that but I really need this job and….”

“Well I have to admit, your presence here increases business, everyone wants to get a look at Kouyou’s boyfriend,” Reita confessed. “And you do work hard when you’re here.”

“So that’s a yes?” I ask.

“There’s still half of the delivery in the back,” Reita answered. “You get it out in the next hour and I’ll give you a second chance.”

“Thanks!” I exclaim, wrapping my surprised boss in a hug. When I go out to work, Midori is staring open mouthed.

“Wait, he rehired you?” Midori asks. “Reita doesn’t give second chances. Not ever.”

“This was an exception,” Reita answered. “For the first time, I heard a compelling reason to keep a staff member on. We will have no more incidents like this.”

“Of course.” I say, with a smile as I hurry to the back to meet his challenge. When I return with some carrots, Midori is smiling as happy as I am.

“So, Kouyou is sick?” She asks. I tell her nothing but I do reassure her that he’ll be all right. I skip my break that day, as I started later than usual and need to make a good impression, so I don’t see Uruha’s message until I’m at the bus stop. Seeing it, I cross the road and wait for the bus on the other side, no longer planning to go to the hospital to see him. I call him as I wait for the bus, learning he’s on the way to the therapist with Kai.

“Will you wait for me in my apartment?” Uruha asks nervously. I reassure him I will and we talk a little longer until my bus comes. I tell him that I love him for the second time and take a seat as I go to his place.

His sister was the one who let me in, staying a while to keep me company, or perhaps to judge me for herself. I must have passed the test as she leaves me alone in the apartment. The carpet has a pink stain still, the blood not coming out fully and there’s not much more than can be done. He’ll need a new carpet but I’m sure that’s the least of his worries. I begin to explore the place fully, taking my time in each room as I marvel at just how much he owns. None of this makes his life easier, he’s suffering and I don’t know what I can do to make things better.

A delivery man comes with a huge bouquet of flowers for Uruha which I place to one side for him when he returns. Curiosity gets the better of me and I pick out the card, wanting to throw the whole thing away when I see Ruki’s name. It simply reads ‘I’m sorry’, words that won’t be enough to heal what was done. I leave the flowers on the table, heading to the kitchen to prepare some meals to find Kai has already beaten me to it.

With nothing else to do, I turn on the TV which has been left on some kind of music app. I find how to switch it back to TV but I can’t focus on anything for long. Thankfully Uruha doesn’t take too long to come home and I’m up greeting him in a heartbeat. Strangely Kai has come up with him but I soon learn that it’s because Uruha isn’t allowed to be alone.

“I have to phone her every day that I don’t see her,” Uruha explains to me, “Just for ten minutes so she can check up on me. I have a bunch of real appointments booked in as well. Can you stay the night? Like every night this week? I don’t mind staying with you and Kai if that’s easier?”

“I’ll stay, I’m clingy as it is,” I remind him. He smiles in relief to hear this. “Only, I convinced Reita to give me my job back so I can’t take up every minute with you.”

“I can help.” Kai offered. He’s as concerned as I am, I realise. I’m not surprised that Kai has gotten so involved but I do wonder when he and Uruha became so close.

“I’ll get my sister to help out,” Uruha offered. “And I have a few other people I can spend time with.” As Uruha and I discuss when he would need to find somebody else, Kai goes to heat up one of the meals he made earlier so that we can eat. We enjoy a delicious home cooked meal and then Kai excuses himself to go home. I’ve not really been alone with Uruha since the incident, it makes me wonder where our relationship stands.

“Do you need help to wash?” I ask, trying to sound supportive and not too hopeful. To my surprise, Kai has already had that honour. At least I trust him.

“Aoi, I want you to know that I forgive you,” Uruha said in the silence that follows. “Because I understand why you would think what you did.”

“It’s all right to be mad though.” I say.

“Well then, you got me those flowers. That’s enough to forgive anything.” Uruha joked, his smile failing when he takes in my expression. “They’re not from you?”

“Read the card.” I say and he does just that. Quietly he comes back to me, I’m not sure what he makes of the gift.

“I was wrong, they’re not enough to forgive everything,” He answers. “But I’m going to keep them, if only so they don’t go to waste.”

“That’s your decision,” I answer. Gently I take his arm and pull up the long sleeve that covers the damage he has done to himself. “They’re healing a little.”

“They’re hideous.” Uruha confesses. “They’ll scar too. I ruined my body in a moment of grief. I can’t beg for my job back, they’ll take one look at these and..”

“They’re the marks of a survivor.” I correct him, kissing him tenderly so he can’t argue with me. Slowly I help him out of the top he’s wearing, studying every cut on his body and then undressing him further so I can see them all. There’s some cream from the hospital to help sooth the wounds, so I pick it up and slowly work over each one. I mean what I say to him, I don’t think they make him ugly at all. Slowly I work up the longest cut, up his left arm. This must have been the first one, the one where he was trying to take his life. I move down to my knees to work up his legs, spreading his legs to reach the ones on his inner thighs. I see him growing hard from these touches but when I try to help he won’t allow it.

“No.” He says, so miserably that I don’t dare press the issue. Gently I wrap an arm around him instead, knowing that pushing the issue is the worst thing I can do.

“Looks like it may be six months after all,” I tell him. “Don’t worry, I’m happy to wait as long as seven.”

“Thank you, but that’s not it,” Uruha answered. “He didn’t use protection and he’s not the only one who’s done that. I want to be properly tested, to make sure that there’s no risk to you at all. I should have done it ages ago but I’m not as smart about my health as I appear. Well used to, I don’t think I look like I care much about that right now.”

“Of course, take your time and get tested.” I answer. There are condoms for protection and I could use just my hand, but I suspect he’s delaying things on purpose. To question him would make him feel even more vulnerable than he already is.

“Aoi, the therapist will help me,” Uruha said, seemingly on a tangent but I know he just knows that I understand his real motives. “With everything that’s wrong with me, she’s wonderful. Do you want to see her too? Kai said he was looking into her for you but it was a money issue?”

“Did he now?” I ask, this was news to me. “I think I’d rather go to the meetings. They were working for me.”

“They were, you were getting your life all back together,” Uruha said, resting his head against my shoulder as I move to sit next to him again. “I’m glad Reita didn’t fire you.”

“So am I,” I answer. To many it’s just a minimum wage job, the media thought nothing of me working in a green grocer, but it gives me a routine and I’m happy doing the work. Right now, giving up that job is one of the last things I would want to do. Giving up Uruha would be even worse. “Reita said he was going to teach me some more office stuff, for if things get too much out front again.”

“He must really like you,” Uruha said, I think he was right. “I’m sorry, I’m tired. Would you help me get ready for bed?”

“Of course.” I answer without hesitation. I wanted Uruha in bed from the day I first met him but tonight my thoughts are nothing but pure. I help him put on some pyjamas and when he’s brushed his teeth, I pull back the covers so that he can slip into bed easily. I give him a kiss on the cheek before I slip into bed beside him. When he’s asleep, I go to watch TV with the volume on low hoping that recent events have brought us closer. At very least, Uruha seems calmer now than he had ever been before. Perhaps the therapist is working her magic on him already.


	16. Chapter 16

**~Uruha~**

The gossip magazines put out the story not long after my release from hospital, though they could only speculate on the cause of my breakdown. Angrily I threw the magazine against the wall, surprising my sister who has come to visit me until I can go and pick Aoi up from work. That drive is the only time I get to myself, other than the bathroom, I’m looking forward to the brief moments of peace. It’s hard pretending to be ok around those I care about, when inside I feel like even my very soul was hacked apart by that shard of glass.

Mei comes to visit that morning, with yet more flowers for my ever-growing collection. She fails terribly to hide her horror when she sees what I’ve done to myself. I hide the cuts quickly, only Aoi doesn’t seem to despise my appearance right now.

“I suppose we can still find some photoshoots for you.” She said carefully. We both know it’s very limited, especially for a model like me, who people preferred to see as sexy and half dressed, not reserved. I’ll never be the good boy, it’s just not my public image at all.

“You don’t have to,” I reassure her. “I was actually going to ask if I could end my contract?”

“You were?” My sister gasps in horror. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, not even Aoi, but I think I’ve known for a long time that modelling wasn’t good for me. I own this apartment and have savings that will pay the bills until I make up my mind what it is I actually want to do.

“Are you sure?” Mei asked. “I fought to keep you on, you know. The higher ups wanted to cut you lose but I told them… well it doesn’t matter, if this is your decision?”

“Tell them to fire me, there’s no point fighting the agency,” I tell her gently. “Actually, why don’t you take those flowers as a thank you for everything? I’ll miss you.” I’m not strictly telling her the truth on that last part, I’m not sure I will miss her at all. The life I had simply wasn’t a good one, I had liked the money and fame, enjoyed the photos and attention but the whole atmosphere of where I worked had been all wrong.

“Why thank you, they’re beautiful,” She said as she looked at the bouquet Ruki had sent me. I’d be glad to see them go, though the two women in the apartment just think I’m being generous with this regifted bouquet. “How exotic, there’s even orchids in here.”

“So there is.” I agree. Ruki had saved no expense on those flowers, I was glad they were going to a good home. I hadn’t had the confidence to call him in the end. I’d been a coward and sent him an email explaining everything and though he had replied, I had simply deleted it without reading it. He had completely and totally betrayed me and so I had cut him out of my life, not for Aoi but for myself.

Mei doesn’t stay long, giving me a careful hug before she leaves and wishing me all the best. I try to explain my reasoning to my sister who is more focused on what I plan to do, than my reasons for leaving.

“I don’t know,” I confess. “Perhaps there’s something in TV I could do? Some fashion show that needs a host or…”

“You think you can jump straight into TV?” She asks. It’s a fair point but I change the subject until I can finally go and pick up Aoi.

The shop is busier than I had expected, so it’s lucky I went through the back door. Before anyone notices me, I’m escorted to the break room by Reita, who clearly doesn’t want there to be a scene.

“Aoi is in the office,” Reita explains. “Everyone seems to want to get the gossip about you. Great for business, I guess?”

“It can be stressful,” I agree. “I suppose even you want to know everything?”

“Aoi pretty much told me when he begged for his job back,” Reita said. “Are you all right?”

“I feel lost,” I admit. “I just quit the agency.”

“You did?” Reita asks. I don’t really know Reita well at all but I begin to tell him my reasons, I think I was trying to understand myself more than explain to him what was going on. He’s a good man who passes no judgement as he allows me to talk. I’m still telling him when Aoi comes to collect his things. I smile at him but now I’ve started talking I can’t stop. Not until everything that I’ve been holding inside is out in the open.

“It sounds like you did the right thing,” Reita said reassuringly. I’m not entirely convinced, so it’s nice to hear someone else say it. “Take some time to yourself, then go from there.”

“I will.” I tell him, taking Aoi’s hand as we begin to leave.

“What was all that about?” Aoi asks quietly. “Did you really quit?”

“I quit,” I confirmed. I expect him to pass judgment but he gives my hand a gentle squeeze and says nothing. Is this his way of saying he accepts my choice? Well there’s another choice he needs to accept from me. “I’ve booked us a meal, in this city’s best restaurant.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Aoi asks me.

“Of course, it’s not like we’re not already black listed at the bar.” I reassure him. He gives me a surprised look before realising exactly which restaurant I mean.

“Kai’s?” Aoi confirmed. “That’s an excellent choice.”

“Well I’m dating the owner’s best friend, so he’s given us a function room to ourselves. It’s going to be really romantic,” I promise him. “It’s like the time I kidnapped you, only this time you know the food will be safe to eat.”

“Well that’s a relief,” Aoi answered. “But you know, perhaps I wouldn’t mind playing Uruha’s cooking roulette again?”

“Don’t tease me!” I protested but the way Aoi was grinning at me, made me wonder if he meant his words. “Well anyway, there’s another reason why we’re eating in town. I booked an appointment in at a clinic, to get tested and as I’m not allowed to go alone…”

“I’ll come with you,” Aoi promised me. “But I do hope nobody thinks I’m the one who got you pregnant.”

“Aoi!” I exclaim, he’s not taking this seriously at all! Perhaps this is his way of showing how little it bothers him.

“And don’t be expecting child support,” Aoi continued, continuing his act as a useless man who got his girlfriend pregnant. His silly antics are enough to make me smile, a brief break from the thoughts that had been plaguing me inside. “In all seriousness though. It’s been over a year since… well yeah, it’s been a year. I don’t think I need to be tested to.”

“Over a year?” I repeat. “How come?”

“I had a man I was dating exclusively, a little too exclusive for his liking. He didn’t cheat but he said I was suffocating him,” Aoi explained. He’d warned me that he was clingy with men but I found his affection to be endearing. What was the point of dating someone if they didn’t want to spend time with you?” “I think I was becoming an alcoholic to deal with the times he rejected me, the last six months of our relationship he barely touched me at all. I felt… not my confident self, so I drank more and then he left, I spiralled out of control. I became the kind of man that you didn’t want to be friends with, never mind date.”

“But I reject your advances,” I say quietly. Even before, when the thought of being touched didn’t make me uneasy, I hadn’t let him go far with me. “Do I hurt you, when I said no?”

“When you say no, I always take it more of a wait for now,” Aoi answered. “And I knew you wanted to be around me, so I was fine with it. I’d be your friend, even if you said you didn’t want to sleep with me at all.”

“I see,” I say quietly. “Because now I’m scared Aoi. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with myself and with him. He did this to us, didn’t he? He’s keeping us apart and…”

“Uruha, pull over,” Aoi said harshly. I’d almost hit the car in front, I realise in a haze as I do as he says. Shaking I accept his awkward arm around me, ignoring the cars honking at me to move. Aoi uses his free hand to turn on the hazard warning lights and we sit in silence for a moment. “You never rejected me Uruha. You welcome me in with open arms. I feel like you adore me, that you want me around. You say you love me. How is that Ruki keeping us apart? You need time and I’ll wait because I want you to be happy. I love you, that’s why I don’t mind if we never do anything together at all.”

“A drunk man can never consent,” I say quietly, “I was always drunk but… There were others, like Ruki, who I didn’t fight hard enough against and…”

“Uruha.” Aoi said, just my name nothing else but it told me everything. Crying I lean against him, accepting his comfort, relieved to have finally confessed my fears of what happened in my past.

“It’s been a decade,” I finally speak up in our comforting silence. “Since I was sober with a man, it’s been eleven years.”

“Prude,” Aoi teased me, giving my lips a light kiss. “Kai’s going to wonder where we are, let me drive.”

“You have a license?” I ask surprised when Aoi confirms that he does. As I’m getting out of my car to move to the passenger side, I realise its money that makes him take the bus. I could buy him a car but he wouldn’t accept it. I can’t buy this man with gifts and I’m an emotional wreck, what does he even see in me?

**~Aoi~**

Kai takes one look at Uruha and stops whatever joke he was going to make about us being late before it’s spoken. He gives me a curious look but leads us into the backroom where a waitress is standing by. It’s a quiet mid-week lunch but I think he hired her specially. How much did Uruha offer him for the room, or perhaps he’s just doing a favour for a friend? It’s the favour, I decide, why else would the chef be escorting us to our table?

Elaborate drinks are served to us, some kind of fruit smoothie that’s both delicious and not attempting to mimic alcohol at all. After both of our breakdowns and having to start back on day one, Kai doesn’t believe we’re ready to be around anything resembling an adult beverage. In Uruha’s current state, Kai is most certainly right.

The chef and waitress leave us alone and Uruha moves his chair closer to mine. We’re sat at a large round table, designed for a larger group, only taking up a quarter with our things if that. Uruha’s arm wraps around my waist and he leans his head against my shoulder, desperate for the affection I want to give.

“When I was a boy, maybe thirteen or fourteen, I loved this anime my sister used to watch. It was about a woman who fell into a mysterious land where nobody spoke her language. The people there worshipped her, she had some kind of power I think and there was this prince. He was the villain, I think, but he had this charm about him. I was smitten by him, I wanted to be wicked just so that I could be kept at his side. You’re my villain, I think.”

“I’m your villain?” I repeat.

“Well you want to keep me locked away from the world,” Uruha explained. “Your prisoner who you adore so much you can’t possibly let me go.”

“I don’t think…” I began, but Uruha was grinning at me.

“Be clingy, stay by my side,” Uruha ordered. “That’s what I’m asking.”

“I refuse to be clingy, or wicked,” I tell him firmly, flattered by his words all the same. “But yes, I want to spend my time with you. Perhaps even one day I’ll tie you up in my dungeon and… is that too far?”

“It’s just words.” Uruha answered, as the waitress returned with starters we had not ordered. We accept them, either Uruha pre-arranged a menu or is letting Kai choose for us, and I take a bite of the delicious food. His arm remains wrapped around me as he eats with just his free hand.

“So this prince?” I ask. “What wicked things did he do?”

“I don’t remember what he did in the anime,” Uruha said. “But in my fantasies, he did all sort of unnatural things to my body. His tongue would lick my cock and balls and I’m become hard. He’d be rough and toss me over, forcing his own cock in my ass and I would moan for him. Wicked little boy that I was.”

“Well that is wicked, as you were a teenager!” I retort. Uruha pouts at that but he’s soon smiling again.

“Who was your first crush on a man?” He asks.

“Oh, that one is easy,” I answer. “When my best friend got a girlfriend and I was filled with jealousy I knew then just how much he meant to me. He never dated me, he wasn’t into men at all, but he’s still my friend. I never told him I had a crush on him.”

“This wasn’t Kai?” Uruha guessed.

“No, my best friend in high school,” I confirm. “Kai was in my class but we weren’t close, not really. He was a geeky boy and I wasn’t and it was just circumstances that brought us together. I knew he had become my best friend the day he dated someone and I got jealous that they got to be with them. There’s nothing between Kai and I. I just missed his friendship, I think.” I add quickly.

“Right now, I’m your best friend.” Uruha warned and then he’s kissing me and I’m kissing him back with passion that I had been trying to keep under control. He was raped, I keep reminding myself, I can’t push him but it’s hard not to go further when he’s kissing me so desperately in return.

“Not here.” I whisper as I pull away.

“You’re a switch, you like it both ways?” Uruha asks quietly. I confirm that I am and he smiles. “If my tests come back positive, negative, whatever we want them to be, can I try taking you? I can’t guarantee anything but if I’m doing the touching then maybe?”

“You can be in charge.” I promise him, my excitement building at his words. When it’s Uruha, it easier to let him lead I’ve found. That way he deals with the conflicting emotions and I just enjoy whatever he has to give.

“You’ll cum, that’s all I can promise.” Uruha said. It’s perfectly understandable and I accept his promise, as it’s already more than what I can expect.

“Even if it ends with my hand in the shower, you’ll make me cum and it’ll be wonderful.” I say, glad the waitress came in to check up on us after I had spoken. We grow quiet, eating our starters as she leaves.

“Thank you.” Uruha says and I don’t ask him what he’s thankful for. It could be any number of things but I think what he’s really thankful for is that I’m not trying to push him into anything too soon. The rest of the meal was delicious of course, Kai’s cooking always was, but I would have enjoyed anything we were eating at that lunch. Even one of Uruha’s disasters.


	17. Chapter 17

**~Uruha~**

I hold Aoi’s hand tightly as we sit beneath those bright clinic lights, waiting for the results of my tests. Soon I would know if I had disease, or what diseases I may be carrying. The whole thing could have been embarrassing I would think for many, but I was just nervous. There was an actress sat across from us, nobody big and whilst Aoi had given her a curious look, he hadn’t recognised her like I had. It was an expensive clinic, at least from Aoi’s reaction I concluded he thought as much, it seemed quite reasonable to me.

My number was called, names were not used here to protect privacy, and I entered the consulting room clinging to Aoi as I went. The doctor didn’t say anything about Aoi’s presence, it was obvious that I wanted him there.

“Well I won’t keep you in the dark, it’s good news.” The doctor reassured me and I felt my face lighting up in a huge smile. I hadn’t expected that result, I’d been hoping it wasn’t HIV in all honesty. I glanced at Aoi but he just seems satisfied, as if he had faith that I wouldn’t have possibly failed. I did try to use protection, I rationalised as the doctor gave us both some generic advise we had heard before. It was nice that he knew about relationships between men though, I had to give him points for that.

We escaped the clinic not long after, the late afternoon turning into evening as we stepped outside. I saw the flash of a camera but the photographer was lost in the crowd. Great, just perfect. I can’t have my pleasant moments for long.

“Was that a camera?” Aoi asked.

“I think so,” I admit. “Well the papers will at least see I’m loyal to you and that we take care of our health. It shouldn’t be shameful, right?”

“Not at all,” Aoi said and then with a smile he’s leading me into the centre of town, straight into a sex shop! I’m not easily embarrassed so I don’t mind at all, my eyes roaming shelves of toys and costumes and so many other delightful things. “I’ll buy you anything you want. Even if it’s just those chocolate penises.”

“Well they’re a start,” I agree, heading straight to the dildos. I wonder if I could let Aoi use one on me again? I did trust him but if panic set in, if I felt like I had no control, I think that would stop anything happening between us. I bite my lip nervously, not sure how much damage Ruki has actually done to me. I imagine myself lying on the bed with spread legs, Aoi before me and it’s nothing but erotic. Right then, I’ll have this glass dildo then. “This as well.” I say, turning around to find Aoi has wandered over to the costumes. There are eyes on us, two beautiful gay men shopping together in here but people are discreet enough to leave us alone.

“That’s… for you?” Aoi guess. I nod as he takes it off me. For a moment there he was worried I’d want to place the rather large dildo into him. “And this is for me?” I ask, as he’s holding an outfit against me.

“Well, if you were happy to wear it.”

“Of course I am,” I reassure him, studying the outfit he’s holding, that’s a pair of tiny shorts in some kind of shiny material and a net top. It’s all the purple on the sleeveless jacket that has my attention, they are feathers around the neckline and waist and it’s really over the top and yet sensual at the same time. “Actually, I have some boots that would go with this.”

“There’s other’s if you would prefer,” Aoi begins but I’m only looking to find something for him. “Would you wear a skirt? Actually scrap that idea, these!” I declare, pulling out some trousers that whilst are black are also mostly transparent.

“If it’s what you want.” Aoi agreed, slightly hesitant to accept. I grin and go to buy his trousers as he buys my outfit, the toy, the chocolate and a few other little things. I drop some flavoured lube on his things just because I like the taste and turn to find Ruki staring at both of us opened eyes. I grab Aoi’s hand, brining his attention to who had startled me.

“Let’s go.” I order, as Aoi has already paid. He takes the bag and gives Ruki a look that shakes even the confidence of my former friend. I think he called my name after me but I was in too much of a hurry to leave to even turn around to face him.

“Are you ok?” Aoi worries.

“He seemed genuinely sorry,” I comment. “He didn’t know. Please don’t be mad at him.”

“For tricking you into drinking? For setting up that scene to break us apart? I will never not be mad at him,” Aoi declared. When he put it that way, I had to see his reasoning. “And he assaulted you, let’s not forget that.”

“I want to forget that.” I tell him firmly. Getting my point Aoi doesn’t press the matter further. 

“I need to go home to collect some things I forgot, if that’s ok?” Aoi says instead. His way of changing the subject, I guess. I agree to take him but when we get to my car, I hand the keys to him without a word. I’m shaken from my meeting with Ruki but not for the reasons I expected. I’m filled with guilt that I cut him out of my life. When Aoi gets home and goes to get whatever he forgot, I open up Ruki’s email on my phone. It’s what I expected, a long apology and multiple reassurances that he didn’t know I had meant no when I said it. I don’t respond to the email but I didn’t delete it again either.

“How are your arms?” Aoi asks as we enter my apartment. “Still hurt?”

“Some cuts itch but only the big one still hurts a little,” I admit. He picks up the cream I left on my coffee table and waits for me to sit down so that he can care for me once more. I feel rather pampered by his treatment, especially when he begins to caress my thighs. “My outfit will reveal all of this.”

“This?” Aoi repeated. “You mean these perfect thighs of yours? Yes, they’ll reveal them.”

“The scars don’t bother you?” I ask.

“This one does,” Aoi said, tracing along the skin beside the long slash in my left arm. “Because that was a genuine attempt to die. Don’t ever do that again Uruha. If you think about it, you need to call me or your therapist straight away. Promise me?”

“I promise.” I answer. I go to pull my trousers back up but Aoi stops me from doing so.

“The cream hasn’t quite sunk in.” He explains. He’s right but knelt before me like that, he’s enjoying the view. He moves his lips against my underwear, kissing me lightly and whilst my body responds my mind isn’t quite on board. Even so I try to relax, letting my body tell me that this is ok. As Aoi’s mouth moves against me again I remind myself that he’ll stop at any moment. I just need to ask. I don’t even need to do that.

“Is this ok?” Aoi asks. I nod my consent, vocalising it when he asks me if I’m sure. It’s not until I pull down my own underwear that he gets the hint and his mouth moves towards my now exposed self.

“Wait, the door.” I realise. Aoi gives me a look of disbelief for still not learning to lock it, and hurries to do just that. When he returns, I have my hand over my length, gently encouraging myself to become hard. I get up as he approaches, tossing clothes to the floor as I enter the bedroom. The sofa was where I was assaulted, I don’t want to be pleased by Aoi there.

I lie back on the bed and Aoi’s lips move over my hard length and it’s so wonderful I let go of the fear that had begun to circle in my mind. This man wants to please me and I selfishly want to be pleased. He uses just his mouth and hands on me, not pushing for anything more and I appreciate it. I cum with a gasp and lie still on my bed, recovering from the strong emotions that had been battling inside me.

“Put on the outfit,” Aoi tells me, this time it is an order. “I’m going to make something for us to eat, not much after Kai’s meal, a snack really. We’ll eat together and then you can have this body. What do you say?”

“Well it’s only fair if you put on your trousers too.” I respond. Aoi naturally obeyed my command. I hadn’t expected anything different.

**~Aoi~**

I don’t consider myself a great cook, mainly because I live with a man who truly is, but I know my way around a kitchen. Sort of. Uruha’s of course was rather unfamiliar to me and had little to offer in the way of fresh food but I managed to prepare some snacks for us to eat as our dinner.

I hear him entering the kitchen behind me and don’t want to turn too quickly. The outfit I choose for him, just thinking about it sends my blood racing. I wonder if he really is wearing it. I kept my side of the bargain, glad that I picked up the thong underwear from home to wear underneath.

“Oh wow.” Uruha said quietly, I don’t think he realised he was even speaking out loud. I turn to smile at him and I’m stunned silent. Those shorts are so small and tight, his perfect chest so visible and all the grandeur of the feathers almost makes you forget the clothes are meant to be scandalous, that just makes it all the sexier.

“Same to you.” I got out, turning to give him the front view and finding my rather seduced boyfriend is kissing me with something akin to desperation. I wrap my arms around him, returning the kiss in kind but I scare him with my intensity and he pulls away looking rather ashamed. I wonder what’s going through his head but say nothing, offering him some food instead.

“These are like what Kai made for your party.” Uruha remembers as he selects an appetizer.

“Well don’t expect it to taste as good.” I warn but he’s already reaching for another.

“It tastes good.” Uruha reassured me. I tease a feather and pick up an appetizer myself, feeding it to him, careful not to drop anything on the expensive outfit he’s wearing.

“Hungry?” I ask him as he takes another, but it’s my lips he’s moving the food towards. I eat what’s offered and help myself to a kiss once I’ve swallowed. My eyes move downwards and I can see just how hard he is. He’s hungry for sure but perhaps not for the food I made.

“It’s just tastes good.” Uruha admitted. Sampling one of the other items on my mini buffet. His free hand moves onto my chest, trailing downwards, teasing the waistband of my trousers. I’m not sure if he’s referring to the food.

“Well the trick is to…” I begin but his lips are on mine and the thought is forgotten. I push my body against his, grinding softly but not holding him at all.

“I’m going to hold your ass.” I tell him as we break for breath, I don’t want to spook him. I do as I promised, caressing him, feeling the warmth beneath my fingers. His hand is tracing along my crotch but then he steps away again. It’s different that the first time he stepped away, that had been because I had gone to fast for him, this time he is teasing me.

“You really should eat something.” Uruha scolds me, as if all we were doing was eating dinner. I take a few bites and between kisses and lust filled touches, we somehow managed something that resembled a meal.

It was only natural that we returned to the bedroom, our combined desire for each other was too great to ignore. I lie down for him, accepting his weight above me and trailing my hands down his back, over his ass.

“Aoi, I want this but please be patient.” Uruha practically begged.

“I am.” I protest, but he removes my hands from his back and then kisses me again. I’ve already noticed the trend; he does want to be touched in any manner that might make him feel restricted. He told me that he had liked rough sex, to be dominated, but right now that was the last thing that I should do to him.

I let him lead, enjoying his mouth on mine as the weight of his body keeps me down on the bed. I grind against him, trying to take pleasure where I can and I can feel his own hardness pressing down on me. We’ve been touching and teasing each other for so long that it’s hard to be patient but for him I will be.

I let him undress me, parting my legs and watching as his lube coated fingers enter me slowly. I’m giving myself to him, as he has done to many others, and I can see that he’s not so used to things this way around. What kind of man doesn’t want to try everything with their partner? I’ll never understand those who stuck to one role.

As he stretches me, he pours his strawberry flavoured lube over my proud arousal, his tongue lapping away at the mess he just made. It all feels so good and perhaps in response to my perfect bliss, my body slowly opens up for him. 

He makes a show of undressing, my attention is glued entirely on him. I want this man with every fibre of my being and I can tell that he wants me. With no need for a condom, his shaft is inside me and I let out a moan that echoes my thoughts. On instinct I wrap my arms around him and he freezes, panic evident in his expression. I’m an idiot, I forgot entirely not to restrain him.

“Stop.” Uruha says, his own body frozen inside me. I let him go, my arms falling back on the bed as he shakes slightly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” I apologise. He seems to overcome his shock as his expression changes to that of determination and he’s moving inside me again. I lie still at first but the pleasure prevents me from doing that for long. I begin to move against him and slowly, I run my hand up his side and onto his back.

“Is this ok? I ask him.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be jumpy with you.” Uruha apologies.

“Don’t be sorry.” I order him. I gasp as he thrusts in deeper and as my pleasure grows and Uruha truly relaxes, we find a connection that just feels right. I cum from the combination of him inside me and his hand running along my length and he doesn’t last much longer. As he moves away from me, I realise how emotionally drained he is. How much of that was forced? Or not forced, he was entirely in charge of course, but battling his fears?

“I’m usually better.” Uruha apologises again.

“I’m going to hold you,” I warn, doing just that. I wrap him in a hug, keeping it loose but hopefully comforting. “That was great. Honestly. I’m not just saying that.”

“He messed me up, not just him but the others,” Uruha says. “But I’m glad we could at least do this.”

“It’ll take time but that’s perfectly reasonable,” I tell him. “To think, I just had sex with a celebrity.”

“Stop it!” Uruha complained, “We both know that’s not how you think of me.”

“Too right it’s not,” I agree. “I see you as a man and trust me, that’s better.”

“Is it now?” Uruha asks and with a smile I begin to tell him all the ways I liked him as a man. By the time I’m done, we’re both sleepy but we find the energy to get up to wash and to set an alarm clock so we can get up in time for me to get to work. “You’re the best man to ever sleep in this bed.” He told me as we settled beneath the sheets.

“Well naturally I am, who else would be better?” I ask but despite my false arrogance I know what he means. I’m one of few he won’t regret, that alone makes me feel more than special. “Though you know, we never did play with your new dildo.”

“Well there’s tomorrow night.” Uruha answered.

“If I’m here tomorrow.” I joke, as if I would ever leave him.

“That’s right, I may just kick you out.” Uruha answered, surprising me with his own teasing words. He must be feeling really comfortable with me, to joke about such a thing.


	18. Chapter 18

**~Uruha~**

I hadn’t expected the call from Mei, I though it was established that my time with the agency was over but apparently not. They wanted me to feature on one last TV interview and then I would meet with a representative of the company to end my contract. I would be surrounded by people so didn’t need to be accompanied by anyone but the whole thing had me so nervous that I was relieved when Kai offered to come with me.

I almost grabbed his hand as we enter the TV studio but I know that’s not appropriate. Especially not with the rumours flying around me. Instead I head to the makeup artist who greets me with a friendly hug. I know her and we get on well so I begin to relax, introducing her to Kai as he stands awkwardly by. I’m just myself for this interview, no need for fancy clothes but I made sure to dress well anyway.

“Have you seen this show before?” I ask Kai, as we wait for my turn to be filmed. It’s going to be live, which makes things worse, especially as I’ve not been given the questions in advance. I should have demanded them but everything happened so suddenly that I hadn’t had much time to think about such things.

“I’ve heard of it,” Kai admits. “But no, I’ve not seen it.”

“That’s Hajime, he’s the presenter,” I explain, directing his attention to a cute guy who’s already taking up position on the stage. “He looks sweet but he can be tough, trying to get up the viewers by bringing out the truth is how he puts it.”

“Pressurising celebrities to say more than they planned.” Kai concluded. He’s more sceptical than Aoi but I find myself listening to his concern. I’ve let things slip on this show before, the few times I’ve been on, Kai’s conclusion is spot on. Why had I never realised before? Oh right, I was always partially drunk.

“Well it’s his last time to do so.” I say, flashing Kai a smile. It’s peaceful being in his presence, I trust him as much as Aoi but I’m never nervous around him at all. Aoi makes me so horny, just being near him and now we’d had sex and nothing had changed. I’d been so scared, he hadn’t picked up on most of it, but I was relieved that my last sexual encounter was now with the man I loved. It didn’t erase what had happened but it felt a little like a fresh start.

“And here’s out first guest,” Hajime was saying and I realise it’s almost time to go on. I wait for him to call my name, smiling and waving as I go to join him like I’d done before. “Thank you for coming on today’s show, though I hear it’s to be your last?”

“Thank you for having me,” I say politely and begin my speech on how things had gotten too much and I needed a break but I may come back sometime. Hiatus was the word the agency was using, they never admitted when their models quit. He questions me on a few things and then to my horror the photo of Aoi and I leaving the clinic is shown on the screen behind me and he’s making jokes about how many men I’ve had in the past. He’s trying to be light hearted and funny, probably trying to bring the interview onto the topic of sexual health but he hits a nerve by doing so. “Well that’s where you go when a man forces himself on you.” I tell him, not hiding my feelings at all. Why bother, I’m quitting anyway.

“You had too many to drink?” Hajime teases and at this point I realise he’s not a nice man at all.

“Yes, I’m a recovering alcoholic and he knew that,” I explain. “He took advantage of my weakness, tricked me into drinking and then ignored my protests but you think this is a joke, don’t you? When does Kouyou ever say no? That’s what you’re thinking.”

“I honestly had no idea.” Hajime says and then he publicly apologises to me. I agreed to talk to him about things, confessing all on that show. My suicide attempt, the fact I’m in therapy and my wonderful boyfriend who’s supporting me through it. I talk about it all and when I’m done, I politely leave that stage and let my tears fall. I don’t care what people think as I accept Kai’s embrace.

“He’s said what he has to say.” Kai said firmly when people began to approach us. He gently escorts me outside, where I get into his car and accept the offered tissues. He’s remembered my things, I realise as he places my own bag on my lap.

“Thanks.” I say, the simple word somehow expressing everything I felt.

“I could have punched him, when he tried to dismiss what was done to you,” Kai confessed, who isn’t the violent type at all. “But you put him in his place all one your own. How do you feel?”

“Like I was keeping a secret that was eating me alive but now it’s out in the open.” I realise. I’d found a strange kind of closure in doing what I had just done. It was live, there was no room for editing, now the whole world would know.

“Perhaps then it was the release that you needed?” Kai suggested. Once again, I know that he’s right.

I enter the modelling agency head office with Kai firmly by my side, there’s sympathetic looks as I sit in reception from a few people but most haven’t seen the show and don’t have a clue to what just happened. My lawyer joins us and I greet her warmly. She too has no idea what happened so she says nothing about it.

The director sees us himself and after my lawyer checks the documents he hands to her, and she confirms that this will end any hold the agency have over me, I sign away my former career feeling equal parts relief and sadness that it’s come to an end.

I thank my lawyer and we’re about to leave when Ruki enters the agency. He’s blocking the door the moment he sees me and my heart sinks. I wonder if he saw the show but decide it doesn’t matter. I never named him and he should already know everything that happened to me.

“Can we please talk?” Ruki begs me.

“He doesn’t want to.” Kai said firmly and I remain silent though Ruki’s obvious pain is troubling to me. I loved him as a friend and that feeling hasn’t gone away.

“Because Aoi banned you from talking to me?” Ruki demanded. “That’s what happened isn’t it but if you blank me how can I possibly ever apologise?”

“Because you tricked me into drinking and then raped me,” I correct, keeping my voice low so that nobody but Ruki and Kai can hear our conversation. “Isn’t that reason enough?”

“You know I thought you were willing, that I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing, how is that an excuse for you and not for me?” Ruki demanded. I hesitate at his words but Kai shoots Ruki a dirty look and gently encourages me to leave. I follow Kai’s lead but Ruki’s words are echoing in my head. How is what he did different to what I did when drunk? I believe his words, that he didn’t know, which means that his only intention was to get me drunk and seduce me. And end my relationship with Aoi, that had been his purpose and my heart hardens. I can’t forgive that, Aoi is everything to me and he tried to take him away. Silently I leave, unable to express what I’m feeling because I know he’ll say something that will change my mind if I’m not careful. Breaking my promise to Aoi and talking to him, that would end our relationship I decide and it’s not like I want to talk to Ruki either. Right?

**~Aoi~**

“What’s that look for?” I ask Midori, as I catch her staring at me. She’d just been on her break but now she was in the doorway, looking like she wanted to say something but wasn’t so sure what to ask first.

“Uruha was on TV this morning, I haven’t had chance to watch it but all my social media is buzzing with what happened,” Midori explained. I give her a look, as I don’t follow the same news sites as her, obviously. “You don’t know? Kouyou told Hajime all about everything. His addiction, the man who assaulted him, the suicide attempt that had only been rumoured before and you.”

“He did?” I repeat, I knew Uruha was going to be on TV of course but to make all this public, that I hadn’t expected.

“Oh yes, how you’re the greatest boyfriend or something, I haven’t seen it myself yet.” Midori apologised. We give each other a look, knowing Reita is out of the office, and I go to fetch my phone so we can watch the video. The shop was empty luckily but by the time we’re done, a customer is entering and we have to hold back what we wanted to say. It’s much as Midori described it, Uruha really has shared everything but Ruki’s name. I want to call him to check if he’s all right but I’ve had my break and Kai is with him. Surely Kai would let me know if Uruha needed me?

“You know who hurt him, don’t you?” Midori asks. I nod but refuse to tell her. She goes quiet and the shop soon become busy as people want to buy fruit and vegetables all of a sudden and of course get to chat to that famous boyfriend of Kouyou’s. I try to stay professional and refuse to give anything away other than Uruha is recovering well. Even Midori won’t get anything else out of me.

It’s not long before the end of my shift when he comes in here. Ruki. I can’t believe his cheek and even though Reita is watching, I can’t help myself.

“You need to get out.” I snap at him.

“Aoi!” Reita exclaims but I continue to glare at Ruki as if he’s not even there. I see Midori going to whisper something to him and realise she’s put the pieces together and figured out it was Ruki who hurt Uruha.

“I will, in a minute,” Ruki promises. “But Uruha won’t even talk to me because you won’t allow it. I just want to apologise to him. Please? Can’t you let him do that?”

“Uruha’s already said what he has to say to you.” I tell him. I wonder if he’s seen the TV show, perhaps that’s why he’s gotten so worked up. Maybe he’s realised exactly what he’s done.

“Uruha hasn’t even spoken to me, not really,” Ruki said, which surprised me. Uruha had wanted to say a proper goodbye. “And now you have your friend as his bodyguard. Really Aoi? You think badly of me but you’re being so controlling.”

“You should let him apologise.” Reita spoke up.

“Uruha didn’t call you?” I ask Ruki. To my surprise I find Uruha ended the friendship via email. I understand totally why he did that and I’m not about to ask Uruha to do anything he’s uncomfortable with. “I was happy for him to say goodbye to you properly. He’s never expressed a desire to speak to you. I’m not the one keeping him away. That was your actions.” I tell him and it’s like something crumbles inside him. The pretty man is now crying and Midori is hurrying over to console him, she’s probably his fan as well as Uruha’s. I’ve learnt there’s a lot of fanfiction about the two of them, so I’d assume a fan of one was probably a fan of both.

“Aoi, come to the back with me a moment,” Reita ordered and I silently obey. Had I ruined things just now? “Are you all right? Midori says this is the man who assaulted Uruha?”

“He is,” I agree and Reita nods. “One minute, I’ll ask him to leave. Wait here.”

“Sure,” I agree, waiting just a couple of minutes before Reita returns. “Is this because I told him to leave?”

“No, of course not,” Reita reassured me. “But on that subject, are you preventing Uruha from speaking to him?”

“I don’t know,” I admit. “I told him to end the friendship, that much is true, but Uruha asked for a chance to say goodbye that I happily allowed and to be able to talk to him a little if they met in public. I’m not controlling him, Uruha hasn’t expressed a desire to speak to Ruki and…”

“You shouldn’t tell Uruha who to be friends with,” Reita said carefully. “But that’s all I’ll say on that matter. You know this is my Grandfather’s shop, right? He was sick for awhile but he’s just passed away, that was where I was. In the hospital with him.”

“I’m sorry,” I apologise. “And you walked straight into this drama.”

“It’s a welcome distraction,” Reita admitted. “Well I’m a trained plumber, I though this shop was a temporary commitment but it’s mine now and someone’s going to have to be the manager. Midori is my longest serving employee but she’s leaving for university soon and whilst I have a few other employees, you’ve met them, only you have an idea how to run things at the back of the business. I’m going to train you to be the manager here, if that’s what you want?”

“You’re making me manager?” I repeat, stunned as the prospect. I had come in here thinking I was in trouble but it seemed to be quite the opposite. “But I don’t know how to…”

“I’ll be here in the mornings for now,” Reita reassures me. “And I have a guy who closes up the shop at night. I’ll just slowly leave earlier as you learn how to run things on your own. No need to be worried. I promise, I’m not pushing you in the deep end.”

“Thank you, honestly, I’m stunned.” I confess.

“You deserve it, you work hard,” Reita promised. “But you need to sort out all this drama with your boyfriend. I can’t have guys like Ruki in here making a scene. Ask Uruha to talk to him and put this matter at rest, or file a restraining order if that’s the route he would rather take.”

“Ruki came to the shop today.” I told Uruha, as we sat in the back of Kai’s car been driven to my place. They’d come to pick me up together, which was a rare treat.

“He was in the agency offices too,” Kai said, as Uruha didn’t say anything at all. “He seems desperate to talk to Uruha. I thought we’d dealt with it.”

“Uruha?” I ask and he turns to look at me but still says nothing at all. I wonder what he’s thinking? “I think you have two options. I tell him gently. The first is to talk to him, the second is to file a restraining order. Which is Reita’s suggestion, not mine.”

“That feels too extreme,” Uruha spoke up. “And if I speak to him, I think I’ll forgive him and then…”

“Then forgive him,” I stop his confession. “I was wrong to tell you not to be his friend. That’s your decision to make. But Uruha, he assaulted you. How can you forgive him, never mind trust him?” 

“I know that he didn’t know that’s what he was doing. That night he was sabotaging our relationship and betrayed my trust by making me drink but I did drink, that was my fault as much as his and…. I miss him Aoi. That’s the truth. No matter how bad what he did was, people on social media talk of my mysterious attacker as a monster, he did it because he wanted to be my boyfriend and…. I don’t trust him and he hurt me and my head’s in a mess about everything. That’s why I won’t speak to him.”

“Uruha.” I say, wrapping my arm around him. I don’t entirely agree with what he’s saying, defending Ruki is far from what I wanted him to do, but it’s his decision to make.

“Talk to your therapist about this, you’re due to call her when you get home anyway.” Kai said, ever practical. It sounds so simple when he puts it like that but looking at Uruha, I know Kai is right. It’s going to take an impartial professional to sort out the mess in Uruha’s head right now but there is one thing I have to say.

“If you forgive him and take him back as your friend, you’re not to be alone with him. Not ever. I don’t care if that’s being controlling, that’s how things will have to be.” I say firmly.

“OK.” Uruha said simply and I simply can’t tell how he feels about the matter. I know though that this is his decision to make and I’m already too involved in things. I let some time pass in silence and then tell him about my promotion at work, pleased to find that this news makes him smile.


	19. Chapter 19

**~Uruha~**

I meet Ruki in a coffee shop whilst Aoi and Kai were both at work, though they both know this is where I will be. It’s quiet on this weekday morning and spotting Ruki in the corner was easy enough. What was difficult was approaching him, so I buy time by buying a drink before I join him. I ask for a takeaway cup when asked and catch Ruki’s eyes on me when I’m waiting at the counter. He knows I’m here but that doesn’t mean I can’t just leave. Instead of fleeing, I sit on the opposite side of the table and say nothing. I thought I was ready to forgive him but now I’m not so sure.

“Hey,” Ruki said with a nervous smile. I cross my arms across my chest and say nothing. “So I saw the confession everyone was talking about and… Honestly all I could do was cry. I had no idea I had hurt you so much and…. An apology isn’t enough? Is it? You really tried to die?”

“Yes.” I answer, pulling up my sleeve so he can see the long jagged scar up my arm. The smaller cuts have mostly healed but this one won’t. There will always be this mark on my arm now, a physical reminder of that night.

“Oh Uruha,” Ruki said, his tears welling up slightly. “Because of me?”

“Yes,” I reply harshly, feeling a little guilty when I see his expression. “But not just you. Being drunk all the time made me vulnerable to such attacks. Even when I consented, did I really? The media was always talking about one scandal after the next. People loved to gossip about me at work and everyone was fake. It drove me to drink and drink drove me to this.”

“I wasn’t fake, Kouyou, Uruha,” Ruki reassured me. “I liked you, I loved you in fact. I think in my head I thought that if Aoi wasn’t around I could make you mine. For that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I tricked you into drinking again and…. Those were my crimes, as I saw them at least. I was drunk and stupid and didn’t know what I was doing, Surely you can understand that?”

“You raped me and you won’t apologise?” I ask him, surprised at his partial apology.

“A drunk man can’t consent, I was drunk, so who raped who?” Ruki asked, giving a sigh. “Well yes, I was to blame for that as well but I guess to apologise is to confess to a crime I didn’t realise I was committing?” I took a sip of my drink, mulling over Ruki’s words. I thought about how Aoi would react to hearing this, or my sister but neither of them knew Ruki like I did. Neither of them understood what he was trying to explain.

“I was raped, that was undeniable but I didn’t protest enough for you to understand my objections, a court wouldn’t see it this way but I don’t think you raped me. Even though you are my rapist.” I answered him. It wasn’t the right answer for many victims but this was the answer I had decided to live by.

“I was the one who leaked your relationship to the papers,” Ruki confessed. “I thought that seeing your past would scare him away. I was behaving like a stalker. I see that now.”

“Remember when you had that stalker?” I ask him, “You were so scared they would break into your apartment that you stayed with me for two weeks. Was that real?”

“They caught her in the end, but the charges were dropped. She was only fifteen, I felt getting caught was enough to scare her.” Ruki replied.

“The time your washing machine flooded the kitchen?” I ask.

“Real,” Ruki answered. “I didn’t realise I loved you until suddenly you were taken. I didn’t mind you sleeping around but Aoi wasn’t one of many. He’s your one, isn’t he? The love you feel for him, the whole world saw it when you went on TV.”

“He’s my one,” I confirm. “But you know, he hasn’t known me as long as you have. Who can I share all our jokes with? I missed you Ruki, bastard that you are!”

“Well then, you’ll just have to forgive me, won’t you?” Ruki teased and I confirm that I probably should. He hasn’t properly apologised and I haven’t fully let the matter go but I do want to be his friend again and so I stay to finish my coffee before I leave. We still had things to discuss of course but for now, it was best to move onto more mundane things. By the end of our short meeting, I was emotionally drained but felt rather relieved. This matter was now firmly put to rest, I could focus entirely on my recovery.

“Well it’s not like I’m going to meet him alone!” I protest as Aoi comments on his thoughts of my meeting with Ruki. “I’ve told him I will only meet him in public places. He has to re-earn my trust. I don’t let him touch me either, he’s not going to get the wrong idea. I promise.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” Aoi began, “Just… I’m not going to like him, not ever but I don’t want to be the kind of man who tells their partner who their friends can be.”

“I understand that, thank you for that,” I tell him, wrapping him in a hug. We’re never going to agree on this and it would become a full-on argument if I didn’t accept this offered compromise. “Tell me how your training with Reita went.” I add, wanting to change the subject.

“Not so bad,” Aoi said, “A lot of what he wants me to do is paperwork I’ve never even seen before. It feels a little overwhelming. I was never the best of students but I really don’t want to let him down.”

“That’ll be why he hired you, he knows how hard you work.” I reassure him. I never thought I’d be the one who had to support Aoi and that had been a mistake. He was as vulnerable as I was, a recovering addict who had fallen just as easily that awful night.

“I know but that doesn’t make it easy.” Aoi said. I tighten my hold on him, keeping him close, listening to the sounds of his breathing against my ear. Having him in my arms brings me a certain kind of peace but when he holds me, I have to stop myself from pulling away. I can’t stand the idea of being held against my will, even if it’s just a hug. I’d forgiven Ruki but his impact on our lives remained.

“Nothing in this life is easy, I think that’s the point.” I remind him. It’s so easy to say, so hard to accept.

**~Aoi~**

  
There’s another scandalous article about Uruha in the magazines that morning. A report about him returning to his old flame Ruki and breaking my heart. I learnt this from Midori but even she didn’t seem to believe the magazine, not this time.

“He forgave Ruki then?” Reita asked, as I entered his office. He’d hired another worker to replace my old role, now I spent of my time in the office.

“He says he did, they’re friends again but I’m not so sure,” I confess. “What Ruki did to him had a lasting effect. He hides it but I know it’s there.”

“Well these things take time,” Reita reassured me. “Does he miss modelling, now that he quit?”

“He seems a little unfocused,” I admit. “I think he loved what he was doing. Dressing up, being in the spotlight, the praise. He’s the type who lives for all that and he’s no good at not having anything to do. He quit because the environment wasn’t beneficial to him, not because he didn’t enjoy the job.”

“I see,” Reita replied. “And he’s coming to pick you up again?”

“Yes,” I confirm. “He got it in his head that he wanted doughnuts so I’m going to take him to get some. He can be like a kid sometimes. When he decides he wants something, there’s no stopping him.”

“You only ever smile when you talk about him,” Reita remarked, surprising me with the observation. I hadn’t even realised that myself but now I thought about it, I was only truly happy when I was with him. “You really love him.”

“I really do.” I confirm. I wonder why Reita is talking about Uruha so much but he’s back in work mode and we begin to figure out the staff rota for the next couple of weeks, just an ordinary day.

As he liked to do, Uruha turned up earlier than he had to and gave me a smile before slipping into the staff room to wait out of sight. You’d think he worked here, I thought as I was helping the new guy with one of the displays. When I looked up, Reita had returned to the store from whatever errand he had gone to run. Spotting Uruha, he went straight into the staff room to talk to him. They’d been doing that a lot over the last few days. I think Reita felt protective of Uruha, now he knew everything that he had been through. It was a sentiment that I myself shared.

They were still talking when I went to collect my things, about fashion of all things. I was surprised that they were both so into the conversation they barely noticed my presence. Really? That rarely happens to me and I usually correct that straight away but Uruha seemed so interested in what Reita was showing him that I said nothing and took a seat to wait for them.

“Your friend is very talented.” Uruha told Reita as he handed the magazine back to him.

“So you like these clothes?” Reita asked. “I know they’re not exactly mainstream.”

“I love them,” Uruha admitted. “But I don’t know why my opinion matters?”

“Takeshi is going through some rough times at the moment.” Reita explained. “He followed his dreams, opened his store and it’s doing fine but his clothes aren’t reaching the right people. I know he wants to hire a model for the next collection, the face of the company he keeps saying. It’s not going to pay anything like what you were used to but he’s a good-hearted guy and I promise you, everyone you work with will be understanding. Would you talk to him?”

“Does he know you’re asking me?” Uruha asked. To my surprise, and Reita’s, he seems to be considering the offer. I knew he missed modelling of course but he had wanted a break.

“No, I didn’t want to get his hopes up. I know this is far beneath what you were used to but I was hoping that… well that you would help him out?” Reita said, with a shy smile. I wondered how desperate his friend business actually was for publicity, more than he was letting on.

“I’ll speak to him,” Uruha promised. “I do genuinely love these clothes. Look Aoi, what do you think?”

“Let’s see,” I say, taking the magazine and flipping through the pages. One of the outfits catch my eye, a safer version of the outfit I had asked Uruha to wear for me. I pictured Uruha in this one, just as sexy. It would suit him and he no longer had the classically sexy image he once had. “I think that they would suit you and if Reita is right about the atmosphere, it would be a chance to do what you loved without all the drama.”

“I think so too,” Uruha agreed. “Reita, can you arrange the meeting with your friend? I still have things to ask him but I’m certainly considering this idea.”

“Thank you, honestly you’ll love him.” Reita reassured Uruha and I believed him. I trusted Reita about as much as he trusted me.

“He’s arranged the meeting for next week.” Uruha declared as he placed down his phone and took a glance at the doughnuts I had just brought to the table. I told him I would surprise him that afternoon and I think seeing the treats had just made his day.

“Take whichever you want,” I tell him, naming the flavours of the four doughnuts I had bought us. He hesitated for a moment before selecting the one he wanted most. “So you’re happy with Reita’s offer? He was asking if you missed modelling this morning, now I understand why.”

“I could be a diva, the big name model working for the small time designer. I certainly will insist on having my own makeup artist. Remember the guy who made me so beautiful that one time? He’ll be graduating beauty school soon and I want him to do my makeup. If he wants to of course.” Uruha said with a happy grin.

“You, a diva?” I tease. “I don’t think so. Not to Reita’s friend at least.”

“Not to Reita’s friend,” Uruha agreed. “I know I won’t be paid much at first but if my influence makes the shop big, the name famous, then money won’t be an issue at all. And if not, I’ll see it as charity work. One photo shoot and I’ll walk away. That’s probably what he’s expecting from me anyway. I’m kind of bored, honestly. I may have just said yes even if I didn’t love the clothes. I just hope… well that the people are nice.”

“They’ll be rushing all over the place, to keep the diva happy.” I reassure him. Uruha smiles at that and takes a bite of his doughnut.

“Like you, I say I wanted doughnuts once and look where you took me the next day!” He teases. I grin at that and select a doughnut of my own.

“You’ll get fat and then what?” I tease him.

“Please, I’m bored, remembered?” Uruha asked. “My sister and I go to the gym every morning now, when you’re at work anyway. She says I’m making her keep fit. I can have some doughnuts.”

“What else do you do, when I’m at work?” I ask him.

“With my sister it’s the gym then we get a coffee or go out for lunch,” Uruha explained. “Or sometimes I go to a friend’s house. Kai came once last week, tried to get me to cook and I ended up spilling the whole thing all over the kitchen floor! My cooking was almost enough to make him mad. Then there’s that morning with you and… the gift you bought me.”

“I remember that morning, you loved that gift. Begged for more.” I tease him.

“Well yes,” Uruha agreed. “It was… as much as I could do for you. I’m sorry Aoi, I know you’re getting frustrated that I still haven’t given everything to you.”

“Uruha, you’ve given me everything I need.” I tell him and I truly mean it. He makes me happy and if he never let’s me take control in the bedroom, I don’t mind at all. It’s not that he leaves me without enjoyment, I’ve had many an orgasm in his bed and in mine.

“I think it’s time I discuss this with my therapist.” Uruha decided. I don’t pass judgment on this. What he talks to her about is entirely his decision. I can’t interfere with his healing.

“Do you think she’s helping?” I ask. “You seem a little better. More collected. Your moods have stabilised a lot.”

“She’s helping,” Uruha replied. “But some of its… I’ve been taking tablets to help. She prescribed them and I was ashamed so I hid them, even from you. I felt so weak taking them, I kind of still do.”

“Well you know what they say in the meetings, the first step is admitting you have a problem,” I remind him. “You accepted that you needed the tablets and now you feel that you can tell me. Don’t be ashamed. They’re like wearing a cast while a broken bone heals.”

“I guess,” Uruha said. “I’m sorry I kept them secret.”

“Thank you for telling me.” I answer, eyeing up the two remaining doughnuts. “But you know, you did hide this which means…. This doughnut is mine!”

“Hey!” Uruha protested, I’d seen him eyeing up the doughnut that was already on its way to my mouth. I’d thought I’d won my prize but suddenly he’s leaning towards me and takes a bite from the other side. Shocked I stare at him for a moment before I swallow my own bite and begin to laugh.

“Not that, that was unforgivable.” I scold him and he’s arguing his side right back. It’s like we’re just any normal couple. No, we are a normal couple. There are no rules on what a normal couple should be.


	20. Chapter 20

**~Uruha~**

The clothes shop was easy to spot, it’s distinctive logo clearly on display above the shop window that was filled with outfits I couldn’t help but adore. This whole street was a treasure trove of alternative fashion, a shop selling Lolita clothes that were adorably cute, the bright and decorative colours in another shop were eye catching, adjoining a shop that sold clothes almost exclusively in black. I felt out of place here, among these crowds of people who expressed their identities through their own set style. Even the street musician was playing a genre of music I’d never heard before. I tossed him some change as I walked past, wishing I could have stayed to listen a little longer.

I was able to enter the shop unnoticed, both staff members busy with customers so I hung back and looked over the clothes in my vicinity. It was then I noticed that the particular clothes I was looking at offered half their profits to go to an old person’s home not so far away from this neighbourhood.

“Ah, Kouyou, sorry I didn’t see you enter.” A woman greeted me. She was all smiles but just at the sound of my name the customer who was leaving turned to gasp and stare at me. Sensing that news of my presence would spread quickly, I was hurried into an office at the back of the store. I was offered a drink which I accepted, casually looking around the room as she went to fetch me a bottle of water. It was tidy in here, everything kept out of sight except some stationary and a desk calendar with a cute picture of a koala on this month’s page. 

“The clothes I was looking at were to support an old person’s home?” I ask as we settle down to talk. This woman is the store’s manager, it seemed Takeshi was shy and left much of the day to day business to her.

“Yes, that’s where Reita’s Grandfather had been staying the last few months,” She explained. “I pick a fashion range and a charity every month. Do you have a suggestion?” It wasn’t a suggestion she wanted. I could tell that in the way she was looking at me. She expected me to come in here and give my demands on what it would take to have me working with her. It was tempting, there were quite few charities I could think of that I would happily want to send money to but I didn’t name any of them. I hadn’t been that charitable in my life, it was time that changed, so I would use my own money.

“I know you expect me to name a charity, you think that’s why I brought up those clothes but that’s not the case. I was just impressed, that’s all,” I tell her. “I genuinely love these clothes and I don’t have much on myself right now. So if you want me to work for you, just tell me and I’ll happily do so.”

“I need a model for the new line,” She told me, hesitating slightly before continuing. “And a meet and great at the store where your fans can come and meet you and should I be cheeky, perhaps you could spend that day working the cash register or something. Your boyfriend works for Reita, so perhaps it would be nice for people to see you as an ordinary working man too. I’m babbling of course, just the fashion shoot is more than I expected from someone like you.”

“I’ll do it,” I tell her firmly. “All of it. If you’ve given so much to charity, I think it’s only fair I do all this for you.”

“You’re serious?” She gasped. “I was joking about the cash register part.”

“But I’m not, I only came here today to see if the staff hear were genuinely decent people, you surpassed my expectations,” I answer. “I want to choose my own makeup artist that’s my only request.”

“Wow, just wow,” She said. “But if you’re going to be so nice, then I think you really should pick the charity for this new line. Something personal to you? I know you have a few things you’re dealing with. Sorry if that offends you.”

“Alcoholism and my suicide attempt you mean,” I say. “You can mention them, the whole world must surely know by now but if you agree, I’d rather support a charity that helps those struggling with their sexual identity. This world isn’t as accepting as it should be.”

“No, it really isn’t.” She agreed. I smile and let her discuss her plans with me glad that I decided to come here today. Not being accepted for who I was, being judged by family, friends and work colleagues, the part of myself that wondered if such people were right, I think they were what had started me on the self-destructive path in the first place. It was time that I did something about it and this was the perfect place to start.

**~Aoi~**

I stare in wonder at the photos Uruha is showing me, truly he’s the most beautiful he had ever been behind a camera. I can’t believe this man is mine, that he’s sat right here next to me with a waiting expression, wanting my opinion. How had I ended up with a man like him? Surely I was the luckiest man alive.

“I think that I may just be jealous of the world who gets to see my boyfriend looking so stunning.” I tell him and Uruha smiles at that. He doesn’t know the half of it. I’m only partly joking but I’ve learnt to have some self-control now. Dating him has shown me just how important it is to value your partner’s emotions and need for freedom. Uruha had already shown Ruki these photos and I hated that fact but spending an afternoon with his friend had made Uruha happy. Don’t smother him, I had told myself, though things were harder now than they had been before. He’d been allowed to spend time alone again and we no longer spent every night together. He had needed his space and I had accepted that. It wasn’t like I had any doubts if he loved me or not. That was the reason why I was able to take a step back.

“Pretty sure it’s the other way around. The world is jealous of you. Have you read the fanfiction?” Uruha asked. I hadn’t so he pulled up one on the phone and showed it to me. It seemed I was now the man everyone wanted to pair him with, which seemed fitting.

“Well this has never happened.” I told him after I had scanned through enough to get the gist of it.

“Well not yet, you never know when the zombie apocalypse might happen.” Uruha agreed.

“No not that, I meant the rest of it,” I tell him, hoping my next words won’t upset him. “The part where you’re my happy little whore, spreading your legs whenever I toss you a coin.”

“Have you ever tossed me a coin?” Uruha asked. Shaking my head, I retrieve a ten-yen coin and toss it at him. He catches it in the air and then to my surprise he’s pulling me towards the bedroom.

“You know, that wasn’t in that story,” I tell him. “I made it up.”

“I cost fifteen, I’ll have you know, but for you I’ll give the coin back and let you have me anyway,” Uruha confessed. “Only…”

“Don’t try and hold you down.” I finish for him. I knew Uruha’s limits well, he was still healing but that was something that was going to take both of us a long time to do.

“Yeah, that.” Uruha said sheepishly. I know he feels guilty about that but he absolutely has no reason to be. I don’t think that he’s scared of me, that his issue is with us being together, it’s just a physical response to the trauma he’s been through. We can joke about sex, we can share dirty stories but the reality is even now I’m not so sure he’ll want to go through with what he’s just suggested.

“I’m going to hug you now.” I warn, wrapping my arms around his waist as I pull him gently towards me. He’s relaxed in my arms as I kiss him, accepting my embrace as comforting I would think. I still warn him when I want to hold him in anything resembling restrictive. He had once loved rough sex, being pinned down, being taken with force but for now that wasn’t something I would consider.

Our kiss is tender and sweet, there’s no rush to go further. Quite the opposite, I want to give him the time to change his mind, should he decide to. Perhaps he really will ask for that fifteen yen, I thought as I slowly move my hands up beneath his t-shirt. They move up his back, slowly lifting the material until I’m helping him take off the t-shirt which he throws on the floor. Uruha didn’t mind a mess, I had been surprised to find. He kept his apartment clean and tidy but his clothes often got scattered around when he was distracted by myself. Perhaps then it was my presence that made him this way?

When Uruha tried to step away from me, I let him go without hesitation. He hadn’t seemed concerned though, so I wasn’t surprised when he dropped to his knees and began to unfasten my jeans. As he worked on the zip, I tossed my own t-shirt to one side and then watched as he freed my hardening length and helped it to readiness with his skilled fingers. I’d seen him play guitar with those same fingers and like the instrument I couldn’t remain quiet. I moaned softly as he teased me. A single finger running along the length, false curiosity as he studied my erection as if he had never seen one before. Suddenly his mouth was moving down the length, swallowing inch by inch until he couldn’t take anymore. He sucked hard, my moans growing louder as I watched this beautiful man devour me whole.

He winked as he pulled away, tossing his remaining clothes on the floor and going to wait on hands and knees on the bed. This was the position he was prepared to offer me, it would work with some adjustments.

“Face the mirror.” I found myself begging, stepping out of my jeans and underwear as I went to collect the lube from the bedside table drawer. A new toy, I noted among the rather excessive amount of lubes. Uruha loved his flavoured lubes, I loved the benefits so I’d bought more than a few of them myself.

“How embarrassing.” Uruha commented, though he didn’t seem embarrassed at all. He had no shame around me, had always been comfortable taking off his clothes, so I paid no attention to his words.

“You should be ashamed, fifteen yen for this ass? You can’t be very good.” I remark as I run my hand over the ass in question.

“I meant seeing that ugly face if yours in the mirror.” Uruha replied. I laugh at his ridiculous comment and carefully coat two fingers with lube to slide in one after the other. He can always take two fingers easily, his body not long after welcoming a third. I have no concerns about hurting him, I can see what he can take. For the first time in my life I have to wonder, am I big enough for him?

I’m just coating myself with more lube when Uruha suddenly pulls away and I try to hide my disappointment. So close, but I can’t push him to do anything he’s not ready for. Perhaps he’ll help me find pleasure some other way.

“Like this,” Uruha said as he lies on the bed and spreads his legs for me. “I felt… I want to feel like you love me and I didn’t like that. I just felt like a toy, I guess?”

“Are you sure this is ok?” I ask, forcing myself to wait for his verbal consent before I finally get on the bed. The position isn’t going to be the best, I decide, but I help move his legs up to my shoulders and finally bury myself in that tight heat I had only dreamt of until now. I hold onto his legs but that’s too much for him so awkwardly I adjust until I can thrust into him with a steady pace.

“You can go harder.” Uruha said. He meant he wanted me to be rough, I concluded and began to do just that. It was wonderful, truly I was in heaven, even if none of this was ideal. Perhaps it was knowing how much Uruha wanted this, how much progress we had made together, whatever it was I was falling in love with him all over again.

Wrapping my hand around his length, I pleasured him in time with my own thrusts and together we fell into that world of endless bliss. We’d cum together so many times but never like this. The final step, the one sexual act we hadn’t done, though he’d been in me many times, we were finally complete.

“You enjoyed that?” Uruha asked, as we lay exhausted and naked on the bed. We’d tried a few positions, both of us having a turn in the other, but now our energy was entirely spent. I must have been drained dry, I decided, not knowing if that was actually possible.

“You have to ask?” I ask. “The answer if of course yes. I loved every moment and that you trust me enough to do any of this. Was my cock to your liking? Not as big as your toys I’m afraid.”

“You have to ask?” Uruha asked, repeating my own words right back at me. Laughing I give him a kiss.

“Well I have to go. It was nice knowing you.” I say, though I don’t have the energy to even pretend to leave.

“Jerk!” Uruha scolded. He moves closer, holding me so tightly that I wouldn’t be able to leave, even if I had meant it.

“Well your just not good enough,” I decide. “You don’t clean, you pay someone for that, you don’t cook, I can’t see you giving me any children. What kind of house wife are you?”

“The husband of course!” Uruha answered. “But then… you know what, leave. Kai can be my wife. He can cook and a chef must surely know how to clean in the kitchen at least. Yes, Kai will be my wife.”

“He’s both of our wives by now.” I compromise, though neither of us will ever tell Kai about this conversation. It’s unfair to tease him, especially after he has done so much for both of us. It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn’t thought about alcohol all day. That was a first. I had come a long way but I was far from healed. As I took note of the healing scar on Uruha’s arm I knew the same could be said about him. We had met because we were broken but over time, we were beginning to heal.

“You’re staring at my scar?” Uruha questioned, moving his arm out of my sight. He was sensitive about it still. I think he always would see it as a symbol of his weakest moment.

“It’s healing, like we are,” I explain. “We’ll always be alcoholics, just like that scar will remain on your arm, but soon that scar won’t hurt you anymore and one day I think we can live a more normal life. One where we can go to restaurants on dates, or join our friends at a party, and never once try to drink. Before I met you, I didn’t think that was possible but it is. I’m beginning to believe that now.”

“I hope so.” Uruha said, yawning as he settled down to sleep. He had his doubts but I knew how strong he was inside. As I fell asleep I could only wonder about our future together. A future with Uruha by my side, that was the only constant that remained in my thoughts. I couldn’t imagine anything ever brining us apart. Perhaps I was a fool, or perhaps this was just love. Was there any difference in love and foolishness at all? 


	21. Bonus Chapter: Cooking With Kai

**~Kai~**

It was supposed to be peaceful and quiet. To finally move into my own apartment felt like I was really becoming an adult. I had my place, a successful business and great friends. It was all I could ask for. My quiet didn’t last for long, as I had barely finished unpacking when Uruha decided that he needed my help.

“Come in,” I greeted him with a smile, I complain but I had invited him to come around. “How are things now Aoi has moved in?”

“They’re great!” Uruha answered with a bright smile. He’s telling me all about it as he pulls of his jacket and reveals the long-ridged scar he usually tries to hide. His arms are covered in white marks from when he had tried to kill himself but that ridged scar was the most obvious. The doctors had offered treatments but Uruha had turned them down every time. He wanted the reminder of what happens when he drinks, Aoi had told me, but the scar is still out of place on a man who takes so much pride in his appearance. “Though you know, it’s a bit of a pain how early he gets up for work.”

“You never complained when you were giving him lifts?” I remind him.

“But he leaves earlier now and I wasn’t working back then,” Uruha corrected. He’s done so well in the months he had become an independent model, taking on a few small projects but mainly focusing on the fashion brand Reita’s friend owned. A fashion brand that was now one of the big names, with Kouyou as the face of the business and, after the expansion, he’d be a ten percent shareholder. “Do you think he’ll mind that I complained? I haven’t said anything to him and…”

“Uruha, that man worships you,” I remind him. “You think he’ll get upset that’s the only bad thing you’ve said about him?”

“He snores sometimes too,” Uruha added. “And squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle and…”

“Abandons mugs in the sink,” I add to Uruha’s list. “And whilst his taste in music is really good, there is that girl band that…”

“Is the vocal equivalent of running your fingers down a chalk board.” Uruha finishes. We look at each other and burst out laughing. Aoi is my closest friend, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t annoy me sometimes.

“She is high pitched,” I agree. “I see you bought some ingredients?”

“Oh yes,” Uruha said. “I know I said I’ll pay you for these lessons but I felt bad letting you pay for everything. I got some things but not herbs and spices, I figured you wouldn’t mind lending me some of them?”

“You know, I would have catered this party if you asked,” I tell Uruha as I take his shopping bag and bring it to my new kitchen. This is the one room that I have fully set up the way I like it and not just because I’ll be helping Uruha cater for the moving in party he’s throwing for Aoi. To me a kitchen is the one room where I feel completely in control and happy. Cooking has always been something I was good at and through my teenage years, I found more than scaring away girls with a more feminine perceived hobby, bringing them sweet treats could easily get a girl to agree to go out with me. They thought I was as sweet as my gifts. I’m not as nice as people think I am. I don’t think so anyway but I suppose nobody knows how annoyed I can get when I keep such things to myself. Like when somebody messes up in my kitchen. Just an amateur, I remind myself as I take in what Uruha thinks he needs and go to my fridge to add a few extra ingredients. “Does Aoi know you’ll be cooking?”

“Yes!” Uruha said indignantly. “Well actually, I told him I would be cooking and he said to hire you and I said that I would. Just not as a teacher. When it’s good we can tell him.”

“And if it’s bad?” I ask but Uruha won’t accept that’s an option.

“How can it be bad with such a great teacher?” Uruha asks. “What should we start with?”

“Washing our hands,” I answer. “That’s the first thing a chef should always do. Then I like to prepare ingredients. Do you know how to prepare any vegetables?”

“I want to say yes, but I think perhaps you should assume I know nothing at all.” Uruha suggested as he headed towards the sink. I appreciated his honesty, there’s nothing worse than when someone pretends that they know what they’re doing in the kitchen and then ends up getting everything wrong.

Accepting his words, I try to teach him the correct way to cut an onion, a process that takes far longer than it should and ends with tears. From the onion, not my teaching I need to add. Clearly frustrated Uruha tries to wash the tears from his face at the sink, as I quickly finish the job. He turns back to face me and I realise I’ve made a mistake. I shouldn’t have finished this for him.

“You think I’m hopeless, don’t you?” Uruha asks, as he takes in my handiwork. It’s obvious what half of the onion I chopped for him.

“Well you know, everything takes effort to learn. I can’t pose for a camera at all, I always end up with the goofiest of smiles or look far too serious. That’s something that you can do without thought, like when I’m chopping this onion. I was just trying to speed things up. I should have let you finish.” To my relief Uruha accepts my explanation and the lesson can continue without incident. He’s always been emotional but the therapy sessions have helped a lot. He only goes once a week now and I can tell he’s a lot happier than he was. It’s a long way from the days when we simply couldn’t leave him alone.

“Well if I did everything, the party wouldn’t be taking place this evening,” Uruha said with a grin that faded quickly. “Do you think Aoi is right to worry about my cooking? No, of course he is and it’s not like he doesn’t trust me with everything else and…”

“And if he knows I’m supervising, he won’t worry.” I interrupt Uruha’s nervous tirade. He can be so confident behind a camera that sometimes it takes even me by surprise when he’s this way. He trusts me, that’s why I see his real face. I’m not sure what I did to deserve such honours but I suppose saving his life helped.

“That’s true,” Uruha agreed. “Well show me what to do next.”

“You’re just a kid, aren’t you?” I tease him.

“If that’s true, Aoi will be going to jail for a very long time.” Uruha answered. I suppose that was true, I don’t really think of them in bed together but obviously that must have happened by now. Distracting myself from those thoughts, I continue the lesson until we finally have all the food we needed to prepare for the party.

“Did you want me to bring this later?” I ask, as I look over all our prepared dishes. Uruha was great at presentation it turned out. I could actually trust him to lay out food on the serving plates which was a more than a welcome surprise.

“Does it even fit in your car?” Uruha wondered. “I won’t fit in mine. Perhaps if we split it.”

“I have my work van downstairs. I can take it all.” I reassure him. I’d honestly expected to be catering the party alone so even the help I’d had was a surprise. Uruha’s phone rings and the moment I realise it’s Aoi I know the blond is going to be distracted. Leaving him to it, I go downstairs to collect one of the racks I have for transporting food and bring it up on the lift.

“I told you, I’m with Kai!” Uruha is arguing down the phone. “He just… oh wait he’s back. Here, talk to him!”

“Aoi?” I say as the phone is pushed into my hand. “What’s wrong?”

“He really is with you?” Aoi asked. “All day?”

“Most of it,” I tell him. “He wanted cooking lessons. Why, what’s wrong?”

“I wanted to add something to the menu but when I called your restaurant, they didn’t know anything about catering the party,” Aoi explains. “Uruha promised me he wouldn’t be cooking.”

“He’s done a good job, a great student,” I say firmly. “He wanted to surprise you Aoi, don’t be mad at him.”

“I’m not mad, I was just concerned.” Aoi explains. Rolling my eyes, I hand Uruha back his phone and begin the process of moving the serving plates to the rack I had brought upstairs. Sometimes I wonder if their relationship is nothing but drama. Is Uruha’s cooking really so bad that Aoi got angry over the idea of Uruha catering? I’d heard the stories of course but I didn’t entirely believe it was so bad.

“What did Aoi want us to make for him?” I ask, once the food is all on the rack and Uruha has finished the phone conversation.

“Doesn’t matter, he’s not getting it now.” Uruha declared. His way of punishing Aoi I suppose. He doesn’t seem angry or upset, so I let the comment go. I’m the type who always finds himself interfering with everyone else’s life but I do know when my guidance isn’t needed.

I hadn’t been to Uruha’s apartment since before Aoi moved in, so it was a little strange to find Aoi’s things intermingled with Uruha’s. He was living a life of luxury now but I know that’s not why he’s with Uruha. Reita though has never been here before and was standing in the doorway in shock.

“You can come in, you know.” I tease Reita as he slowly recovers from his shock and comes to join me on the sofa. Aoi is showing off with one of his guitars, though most of the guests haven’t yet arrived.

“I knew Uruha was rich, but wow.” Reita confessed, his eyes landing on the photos of Uruha’s first photo shoot. He makes no comment on those photos, though I’m sure Uruha would be happy to explain why he has such glamorous photos of himself on the wall.

“There’s a hot tub on the roof,” I confess. “But I don’t think Uruha will be letting anyone up there.” Truth be told, the days of Uruha parading around in skimpy clothes are long gone. He’s trying to hide his scars most of the time and that hot tub would make it impossible. I’d been allowed in on two occasions but I had somehow ended up considered one of Uruha’s closest friends, a status most people here wouldn’t have reached.

“Well the ladies wouldn’t know how to handle us,” Reita joked. “The hottest man in the room and you’re ok, I guess.”

“You guess?” I ask. Our conversation is however interrupted when Aoi realises Reita is here and hurries over to greet him. I let the two talk as I go and answer the door, Uruha is too busy setting up the food we made together.

It’s Ruki and I simply step aside to let him in with barely a hello. Like Aoi, I simply can’t forgive what he did but Uruha has and I can’t argue with that. Without thinking, my eyes land on the spot on the floor where I found his almost dead body. The blood still makes me uneasy to think about. I honestly thought I had found a corpse that day. The carpet has been changed, the sofa where the attack happened is long gone, but the memories are still here.

“Why’s Uruha in the kitchen?” Ruki asks. “Are you guys insane?”

“He’s just setting things up.” I say but when I look over, it’s true that Uruha is in the process of cooking something. I hurry over with Ruki, where Uruha gives me a guilty smile.

“I thought that perhaps I could make Aoi the gyoza he asked for,” Uruha explains, staring at his lumpy dough with displeasure. “Perhaps I shouldn’t have bothered.”

“I’m sure we can fix it.” I promise him. After he’s told me what recipe he’s been following and every step that he’s done, I am able to salvage his cooking.

“You know he’s wandered off, right?” Reita asked, as I’m cooking the gyoza.

“Honestly, no.” I admit, looking around the apartment and finding Uruha and Ruki with their heads in some magazine. It’s most likely Ruki’s latest photo shoot. As I’d been working, the apartment had filled up with Uruha and Aoi’s friends and both hosts were busy socialising.

“Do you mind?” Reita asked.

“Well no, I like having something to do.” I admit.

“Can you pretend to mind?” Reita asked. “What? I just want to check out that hot tub and you could call in a favour.”

“But that would mean going in naked,” I remind him. The two of us share a look, we’ve done so much for the couple that really letting us use the hot tub is the least they could do. “It’s best to ask for forgiveness than permission, I would think.”

“And if you can cook alone without either of them noticing…” Reita prompted.

“I suppose for half an hour they wouldn’t even realise,” I agreed. “Here, let’s get the gyoza on the table and I’ll show you how to get on the roof.”

The water felt nice on its own but when Reita fixed the jets, it was heaven. I smile as he joins me in the water, the proud plumber who saved the day. Of course Uruha would know for sure now that we had used it but whatever the consequences, they were worth this bliss.

“You know, two men sneaking off to a hot tub together may just get people talking.” Reita warned. “Maybe they think we’re ravishing each other right now.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” I say, staring up at the sky. I realise from Reita’s silence he didn’t know, it’s not like Aoi had a reason to tell him. “I prefer girls, it’s true, but that doesn’t mean I’m entirely straight.”

“Feminine men?” Reita asked.

“Not really, if I wanted a woman, I’d find a woman.” I answer.

“Blond men?” Reita asks. I open my eyes and catch his expression, it’s unmistakable.

“Perhaps.” I say and then his lips are on mine and I can’t help but return the kiss. I never thought about him in this way, never thought he would be interested but perhaps he always had been. Or maybe learning that I wasn’t as straight as people believed had given him the idea.

“Perhaps I like men who can cook.” Reita explained as he moved away and lay back in the water. It’s like the kiss never happened. He seems only interested in relaxing in the water but our relaxation doesn’t last long.

“So that’s where you were!” Uruha exclaimed. “Wait, you fixed the jets?”

“I fixed the hot tub, Kai cooked the gyoza you messed up, so you don’t get to be mad.” Reita warned.

“I suppose,” Uruha agreed after a moment of thought. “But you know, perhaps a gay man like me might want to check out the hot men up here.”

“Join us then.” I challenge. Uruha freezes for a moment before shaking his head and making a lame excuse to leave. I wonder if it’s the scars or Aoi’s reaction that stopped him but then a third thought comes to mind; What if he thought we would take advantage of him?

“You don’t think that he’s scared of us?” I ask Reita.

“Don’t think so,” Reita replied. “What’s scary about us? I’m just a pervert who leads straight men into hot tubs and makes them believe that they want to be kissed.”

“Is that so?” I ask and he’s kissing me again. It’s nice. I don’t know if this will go anywhere but I don’t mind either way. Though now I think about it. Perhaps Reita really will be my own personal happy ending? It’s nice to dream.


End file.
